My L had to postpone our appointment today. We'll try again tomorrow. One more day to contemplate this costly venture.
W called me at work this afternoon, asked me if I could pick up S7 since she was running late due to traffic. I agreed to, but before I got there W called back to say she would get S7 instead since she managed to circumvent the traffic jam after all. I told her that was good since the south-bound lanes I needed to take to reach S7 were certainly backed up for miles. She said thanks, but no thanks, she had it in hand again.
Okay, so I am such a "terrible" father, but I am useful enough to be called at the last minute from work to go pick our son up ? Whatever.
Okay, so I am such a "terrible" father, but I am useful enough to be called at the last minute from work to go pick our son up ? Whatever.
Did you see on Snow's thread, GF was calling this kind of behavior "nitpicking"? Snow's H and my H do it also. I thought it was interesting and her theory behind it. I would repeat it but I wouldn't do as good of a job writing about it as she did! Karen
Ok, nocode, time to back away from W. Give her space to make herself miserable instead of you. You can't do anything right. She says this, but she knows differently. She has to make you the enemy to justify her behavior. I truly believe her cruelty towards you will soften as time goes on.
You don't deserve it. You are amazing in your Daddy role. Beyond.
Ok, nocode, time to back away from W. Give her space to make herself miserable instead of you. You can't do anything right. She says this, but she knows differently. She has to make you the enemy to justify her behavior. I truly believe her cruelty towards you will soften as time goes on.
Hi Nocode! I agree with everything LWB said. I was reading in a library book yesterday something on "How to influence people" or something like that, that people will often not like someone they have hurt or are hurting, because if they didn't do that they would have to see themselves as bad people or whatever. I really see my H trying to do that constantly, just trying to pick fights or arguments a lot, and trying to get me upset, b/c I think it's much easier for them when we are fighting to do the kind of bad behaviors they are doing.
I really believe that, so try not to take what H says seriously (although I'm not always successful of course ) b/c I understand what he is trying to do to make it easier to live with himself! I kind of think that no matter how hard H tries, he's gotta be feeling like a jerk and will continue to do so. I think your W is kind of doing the same thing, and in time will probably realize it more and more. Karen
No Codes, Karen. This is the whole gist of the marital rewrite waywards go through. Because if the marriage was good, how can they reconcile what they have done? Because if the marriage was good (or even Ok), that would mean THEY are the one's who F'd up, and we all know, waywards don't do that, it's everyone else's fault. They try to pick fights with you to confirm how they've come to view the marriage.
The trick is to not play the game. It's hard, trust me I know, but even if you marriage doesn't work, at least we'll be able to look ourselves in the mirror and LIKE who we see looking back.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I am grateful for all of you. I appreciate your advice and sharing.
Sunday presents another major milestone. It marks the 18th anniversary of W and my first date with each other. It also marks the 17th anniversary of when I proposed to W, exactly one year later.
For many, many months now I had entertained the thought/dream of renewing the relationship with W by asking her out on an anniversary date and proposing we renew our vows. I have since become so discouraged by W's strong persistence in maintaining and furthering the vast gulf now between us, such that I am almost welcoming her filing for D.
In fact, I am confident that W will file on July 7, the very first moment she can legally do so in this state. So my dream is nothing but, now a passing thought.
<journaling>
Wednesday morning I talked to S7 and he expressed the desire to come stay with me that evening. But I soon realized it was for more ulterior motives. First he mentioned the Lego Mindstorms kit we had acquired of late, which will stay in my residence. I see this as S7 seeking another fancy new toy. Second, W explained that he and she had butted heads over homework assignments the previous evenings, but S7 kept saying he would rather see his father and that 9 days apart is too long. W took this "9 days" thing as something I "planted' in S7's mind. She also said that S7 "knows" which parent lets him get off easy and not complete his homework.
I told the both of them that I am always happy to take S7 or his brother, but I warned them both that I was going to stipulate that the homework assignments were going to be completed first or else there would be no "fun" activities. Incredulous of me, as always, W agreed to give me a try.
I picked up S7 after school, took him back to my apartment, and instructed him on completing at least two night's worth of homework (jumping ahead in the homework schedule.) I then prepared dinner, we ate, and then for the last 30 minutes or so of S7's visit we looked at the robot project we began in the Mindstorms kit. Finally I drove S7 back to the house in time for his bath and bedtime.
W actually seemed slightly pleased. She took advantage of me having S7 by spending extra one-on-one time with S3.
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Yesterday, Thursday, W asked me again to be on standby in case she was unable to pick up our S's on time. And again, she made it on time without needing my assistance.
Wow, as I read your thread about how you are cooperating with your W I wonder how you do it? Figuring out how to "share" our children is one of my biggest worries about my S. My H left for OW less than 2 months ago and moved 9 hours away. He wants to see his sons (14 & 16) but only complains about how expensive it is to have to drive so far. He tried to get me to drop them off for him (out of the way) on a different trip we were on a few weeks ago (it didn't work for other reasons) and now he wants to send them on the bus (the nearest station to me is 2 hours away.) I think he should stop thinking only about himself and his convenience. He has seen them twice since he left home. I am getting very bitter about him complicating our lives this way. I also don't really want them to see where he is and who he is with, but I know I have to get over that. How do you release your children into the care of a parent you think is being such a poor model and making such poor choices in his life?
Me 43 H 43 S13, S16 M - 21 yrs 5/05 Bomb1 EA 3/08 EA/MLC bomb2 & left home 5/08 back together and piecing
Karen