There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

cont....

December. christmas. horrible. but not...I make my plans, I process, I envision, and i survive. could have been worse, but still faked it a LOT.

January 08...am waiting every day to hear from h about mediation. I know its coming any day. instead, about midway thru the month, I get an e-mail from him saying that he misses me, that he is stopping smoking (something he started when he started the affair), going back to the gym, and starting to look for a therapist (he ended ic in july). I said I was happy to hear that, that I think that is great...but did NOT make it about me. it wasn't. but yes, I did get hopeful. those interested might want to check out my thread for that time. he finally really apologizes...seems to finally get what he did. prior to this he said all the horrible, mean, shocking things you all probably hear, and definitely no ownership. this time is different.

over the next couple of months I notice a distinctive pattern...he tends to fall apart a bit around each holiday. very sad. sometimes sobbing. horrified at what he has done.

the biggest thing for me is after a year of therapy I finally realize i need to let him have his pain. I used to try to take it from him, to make it better. it is hard and unnatural for me at first, but I get better. and I discover what loving detachment really means.

I would say some parts of DB worked for me, and some don't. But DB definitely made a difference. it helped me get the ball rolling with my GAL, that's for sure. helped me understand it. and it, along with therapy, helped me get to the point that I understood dropping the rope and how that benefitted me.

I'll tell you, it is still painful...every step toward divorce is like a tentacle ripped from me. but I understand why that is like that. and in the past I've also compared it to physical therapy...looking at the mountain of surviving a divorce seems far too immense, just like climbing a set of stairs does after knee surgery. but if you keep pushing forward, little by little, you will get there. and i know if we do end up getting a divorce, every step will have its own challenge, but I know I will be okay in the end...just little by little by little.

I think making h do the dirty work (actually filing/contacting the mediator) worked in my favor. that didn't mean I sat back...I researched, learned my rights, and started to gather the necessary info. 2 weeks ago I started to finally fill out the mediation paperwork. and I told him I was doing so...but told him this was still his ballgame.

sorry if I've talked everyones ears off. trust me, I did cut back. damn, I'm wordy. lol.

to sum up, some of the things that helped me the most were:

my therapist (cognitive behavioral therapy)

my support system (bft, sister, a few trusted friends)

DB

The people here at DB

special shout-out to lwb

journaling (forgot to mention that one, but wow, HUGE)

the book, Crucial Conversations

stepping back and looking at my motivations for behavior

stopping snooping! I forgot to mention that, but for the most part I stopped and was sooo much healthier once I did.

the book, Eat, Pray, Love

my friend, georgia, who 1st pointed out to me that he should be the one to file. to stop making it easy for him. don't prevent, but don't do it for him.

our separation. I honestly do NOT think we would be where we might be w/o it. I don't. because of the ow involved, and the fantasy surrounding their R. if he never had to face reality with her, (and the reality of leaving his life/his kids) he would never have gotten past the fantasy.