Where do...I...go from here?

[tpaschal]

Met with a realtor this afternoon. I liked her, and H just told me he did, too. Actually, I don't think he really cares who we use, as long as it isn't our realtor/friend we used in the past. He knows she would NOT approve (and she doesn't) of what he is doing. Also, she knows how much in love we were, how much he loved me. I think he is too guilty and ashamed and embarrassed to see her.

So we agreed to find someone neither one of us knew. She took a tour and made a lot of notes, then we all sat down at the kitchen table together and she gave us some recommendations on what repairs were absolutely necessary, and will get back to us with her pricing recommendations. He actually said he would make some repairs. I didn't think he would put a penny into it, so I'm glad of that.

After she left, I started to cry quietly. I got up to get a paper towel to wipe my face, and H and I were across the kitchen counter from each other. I said, "This was your dream house. Don't you feel sad?" Not confrontationally, just quietly curious.

He said, "Yes." He was quiet for a minute, but I could tell he was trying to find the words to say what he wanted to say.

H said, "We just bring out the worst in each other."

We talked for a few minutes, less than 5 mins., about R stuff. He is, of course, not willing to give it a try, but it wasn't confrontational, I agreed and validated, and it was probably one of the first convos where he wasn't nasty and spewing, and neither one of us brought up OW.

I still don't believe he was as unhappy as he tells everyone now---he would have had to be an academy award winning actor---at least not until Bimbo came along to convince him of how unhappy and unfulfilled he was, but I said that I was sorry that it took something so drastic to make me see how unhappy he was, that I had taken a long hard look at myself and was trying to change some things I didn't like. That I wasn't making the changes for him but for ME, that I wasn't perfect, that the changes wouldn't happen overnight. Also said that my relationship with the kids had improved, and that I like me more now.

But said even if my relationship with the kids has improved, and we enjoy our time together more, they still weren't as happy with their lives now as they were before he left. I said that even if he and I had started taking each other for granted and had fallen into bad patterns of communication, that those 3 little lives were worth trying it again.

He just shook his head and said that's what his parents want him to do, to just "stick it out" until the kids are older. I said that is NOT what I want. I said of course I wouldn't want you to "stick it out" and be miserable. I said I wanted us to go to counseling, relearn how to communicate with each other, learn to bring out the best in each other instead of the worst. I said I thought the kids were worth an honest 6 month or one year long try, because if it didn't work out, at the end of a year he would still be only 41 years old and plenty young enough to go make a new life for himself if that's what he wanted.

He just kept saying that we weren't right for each other. Said that I kept going back to my "old ways." (I do get defensive when criticized.) He brought up an example of me letting the potted plants by the front door die. He made a deal out of it when he was here a few days ago. So ridiculous. I just told him I couldn't afford to water the yard. (Which is true, but I should have just let it alone and not risen to his bait.) So he brings it up again today as an example of how I don't take care of the house and said that he wanted to put plastic plants there while the house is on the market. Oh, my Lord! I wanted to scream at him about how the potted plants were the absolute LAST thing on my priority list right now, when I've been abandoned to take care of a 5200 sq. ft. house, a huge yard, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats all on my own. Plus figure out how to pay all the bills when he was off playing house in fantasyland with a 21 yr. old bimbo and not giving us enough to survive on!

But I just said, "You are right, my first reaction is to get defensive when I feel criticized, and I am trying to work on that. The changes I'm making in myself won't happen overnight."

That was about it. He asked a couple of questions about the AC filters that need to be changed, and then it was time to pick up the kids from school.

He picked up the two little ones, took them to get pics made for passports (he's taking S9 to Germany with him to visit his brother for a week, which I think is an EXCELLENT sign---a baby step, if you will, since he has barely spoken to his brother in more than a year), then took them for ice cream and brought them back home.

We stepped outside together and I told him I would prefer to put real plants back in the pots. Said he was right that I had neglected them last year, but that it had been a very difficult time for me, that it had been a steep learning curve having to do everything on my own, but that I was in a much better place now. (mostly true, though I do have HUGE depressed moments)

He said okay, and we talked about what plants to put in them.

He said goodbye to kids and left.

So, not a bad interaction, I think.