There and Back, up and walking #1

[BethM]

Hi MS M!!!

Well I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. With some poeple I might be worried but I know that you are a realist and will protect your heart until you see some concrete changes.

Of course we want you here. We're all rooting for you and hoping for the best. By that I mean what's best for both you and your children!

Take care Sweetie and stay strong..........you are so worth it!

Love,
Bethie

[NikB]

Awww thanks Sally! Glad to have inspired any home improvement projects. Speaking of.. haven't done any in awhile, I should do some.

Wow a date! I'm happy for you. Stay strong and yes, get VERY clear on what specifically you want from him. That was a mistake I made that I have regretted for over a year now. Think hard about what it'll take for you to rebuild trust, in particular.

[JAK58]

Sally ,

I haven't posted to you but have followed your thread. Glad to see H coming to his senses and wanting to work on the M. Im'e also glad to see that you are being cautious and treading slowly through the waters. Best wishes to you, I will keep following.

JAK

Happy date, and happy Home improvements!

[Trip]

I am so happy for you Sally. This is wonderful to read!

It is great you are showing your boundaries right away with your H. Good foot to start off on!

Enjoy your date. Have fun.

[blindsided1]

Sally,
I'm one of the newcomers Nik talked about. False hope? Something I desparately try NOT to give myself anymore. I've been on the boards about 6 months. Came here right after my H moved out of our home and directly into OW's. It has been a very long and hard journey for me and I am far from being at the point where I am at peace with either outcome. One of the hardest hurdles, for me, was and continues to be pulling myself away from the edge when I'm about to fall into that pit of despair. I'm working on it and getting better at it. I envy your strength to NOT be H's f buddy. I didn't do so well with that for a long time. I gave in and hoped it would bring us closer. It didn't, not to my knowledge. Anyway, just wanted to say that your strenght is astounding and you are an inspiration regardless of how your M turns out. Your success is found by recapturing YOU.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sally,

I haven't followed your thread, but it appears that DBing is working for you. Would you be so kind to recap your sitch, and the things that worked well for you to get H to ask you out on a date?

[SallyM]

thank you all very much for you input and good wishes. who knows what the future will bring. time will tell. staying grounded although yes, my head is still spinning. and saffie, not to worry, neither work for the company they used to, so no more contact needed.

ready2change, let me see if I can break it down. will warn you I am long winded and this IS cut down for me. lol. am just going with memory here, but I definitely have reams of posts here (used to be morgan, so might be under that if you do searches). I almost always link back to my previous thread, so you can click backward that way, too, if interested.

timeline:

3/19/06 I find out that h is having an affair. total shock. utter. no question about it, I was clueless. I don't let on I know but am crying/not eating/not sleeping and for some reason watching our wedding video over and over...thinking he had a clue I knew. lol. I tell my sister (who had an affair 5 years previous and was able to save her marriage) and my bf (who happens to be a therapist). my sister helps me find a therapist, I am on the phone with her that night and beg an appt the next day. my left brain takes over and I go on hyperdrive snooping/copying evidence/keeping copies and mailing some to my sister in VA so they are safe if I need them. I later learn none of this matters much in the state of MA. but at the time, hell, what did I know?

3/20/06 I have my first meeing with my therapist. She is a godsend and I know it right away. I can't breathe, I feel like I haven't breathed or am working at it far too hard and she explains that that is co-dependence talking. I talk and cry and she is wonderful.


the next couple of days its obvious h knows I know, and he goads me to tell him I know, but I don't...I hold back till I'm ready.

3/22/06, I'm ready. at around 4am I wake him up and just ask him how long?

lots of crying/sadness/heartache ensues.

I have us in MC by the end of the week. h goes, but seems disinterested to say the least. it doesn't occur to me that he is actually in love with her or will leave her. when we get to our first session the spew out of his mouth stuns me...and I learn he not only loves her, he seems to hate me. I never knew any of the stuff he was talking about. it is devastating. some of the stuff is downright bizarre...makes no sense in fact, but boy, is he one angry puppy.

our next several sessions are equally awful...I can't seem to stop crying (don't do confrontation well, or didn't, I do now). totally non-productive. I keep with my IC weekly...helping, but oh the devastation. and weight loss.

April...our MC ends. our MC explains that we are both better off, at this point, working on our selves independently. I am stunned, devastated. talk to my friend (the therapist) who explains that likely the affair has not ended, as h has sworn, and most MC will not continue MC under those circumstances. I am crushed. since h has no IC he offers to work with him independently and I continue with my IC.

I continue to snoop, btw. I learn all about texting and such...I am horrified. each thing is a kick in the gut. He has given me passwords to all of his accts, btw, e-mail and such, and I learn lots of stuff that points to the affair being active still. heartbreaking.

I find something that clinches it while he is on a business trip and I e-mail him. he makes the worlds lamest excuse, then emails me that his meeting is ending early, and since I am being a pita, he is heading into NYC with his buddy. I email back that his clothes will be on the porch, to have his mom pick them up so they don't get wet. and I proceed to grab suitcases and garbage bags and empty every stitch of clothing he has in the house...up the stairs, stuff stuff stuff, down the stairs, lug lug lug, slam goes the door. I lose 3lbs in the process.

h comes home instead of NYC, freaked out. goes to a hotel that night, but is back by the end of the weekend.

also in april, my 40th birthday. we were supposed to go on a big trip for it, I realize that ain't gonna happen, so I book a trip to my bf (the therpist's) house in florida and have a wonderful week...amazing. I was afraid I would cry the whole time, but instead I found peace. finally. and sleep. and I start to eat a bit again...little by little.

May, I realize they are still NOT stopping communication (phone records prove it). he says they are doing nothing, promises it will stop.

his birthday (may 11) I finally give up...I still see evidence of the affair (lots o texts and such) and I get drunk as a skunk, f his brains out, and tell him he is free, bye bye. go have at her!

we fall asleep and the next morning he is all over me, wants to make ammends, promises that it is really over, he is horrified, really pleading. then he goes to the gym. his blackberry buzzes while at the gym...I open it. and I learn how to use a blackberry. not intuitive to me, I get my sister on the phone, but I figure it out. I read 2 weeks worth of emails. holy god. the stuff there still makes me nauseous. I call him at the gym and go OFF on him. IT IS OVER

he moves out, goes to his moms, comes to see the kids on during the week at times and leaves at night and the kids are devastated. eldest in particular. grabs daddy's legs and cries his eyes out, begging him to stay, please daddy don't go. that vision is seared in my mind. h leaves. he calls and says he can't handle what S5 did, he has ended it with her for good, it is done, can he come back. I say yes. he comes back.

he doesn't end it with her.

[SallyM]

part 2 (will try to cut back some, sorry folks)

June...june 1 is her birthday. I know this based on an april e-mail of plans they made for it. he works from home, but suddenly has tix to the sox game and has to take clients there that night. hell no. hell no. I tell him if he goes, don't come back. he says he has to go, he can't find anyone to take his tix. bs. throw money at the clients for dinner/drinks, and trust me, its sox/yankees, you will find someone to take them. I go to the store, and come back to a NOTE telling me he was going. I call, hysterical, tell him not to come back. ever.

june 2....I do something that has terrified me for a long time. I took all 3 kids out into boston by myself. they are 5, 3, 3, at the time and I take them to the science museum and we have a BLAST and I know I will be okay. that I can do this. I am fine, we are done, but I am a strong woman and can do this. h calls while we are there, he knows he isn't coming home, sounds sad that we are having fun without him.

june 3, 1 am, I am asleep but hear a key turn in the door...it is h. he runs upstairs, sweeps me into his arms, promises me the moon on a silver platter. I say I have to think about it. later that afternoon I tell him that this is it, the last chance, no more.

the week goes along, but I lose momentum on my own work...I become all about H again, all about our R, not about ME. I see it, I feel it, I know it. My BFT (how I will refer to my friend the therapist, NOT my therapist from now on) tells me that in her experience we will be divorced before the year is out unless we work on ourselves. she recommends a 2 week separation...just so we can get our heads back on ourselves for a bit. I talk to h and its a good talk and he seems to understand, but then starts to get irritated about it....and says if he leaves, he knows himself, he'll go back to her. that clinches it for me. if its so easy to go back to her, he will as soon as it all gets hard again.

he goes to IC later that week and the IC recommends at least 6 months worth of separation. I am CRUSHED. feels too real. but nothing to be done now. we talk to the kids, tell them daddy is living with mimi for a while, and we lay our a schedule when he will be over. it works well, we come by it naturally, but omg, so hard to do.


july...we struggle finding our way. he starts taking the kids friday night-sunday morning to his moms. I bawl my eyes out every time he leaves with them. am physically ill over it. do NOT let the kids see me this way. I am a wreck. and confused...I haven't had free time since our eldest was born, it was very unnerving to have so much of it. and lonely.

An online friend recommends DB and I find it at a bookstore, and I sit and read it and finally understand what my BFT and my IC have been saying...about GAL, and about working on myself. It explains it in a way that I finally get...how much more attractive it is, etc. So I do it, I GAL, and I am comforted by the support this board offers. I start doing my best faking it...definitley not making it, but faking as good as I can.

August...he moves in with ow. I don't know it for sure, but suspect it. can't remember exactly when/how it was confirmed. I do another huge thing for me...I take the kids on a road trip by myself. just a loooong day (3.5 hours there and 3.5 back) but I do it, and we have a blast. we are team T!

then one saturday he invites me to go with him and the kids to Storyland. I mull it over...too hard to be around him, etc. But I decide to go, but to drive myself, so I meet them there (saves 2 uncomfortable hours in the car!). he chases me around this kids amusement park like a madman...trying to kiss and grope me. I am stunned. it was bizarroworld. I don't give in, but damn. a few things here...he thought I was seeing someone (I never said I was, but he heard me talking to a guy friend he doesn't know and freaked). I think that really made him act like that.

He continues to chase the next day when he brings the kids home...I give in. what can I say, dumb, but hey. and I give in a few more times over the next few weeks...off and on...he says it might bring us closer...I think I am stronger than I am. I continue to GAL, meet new people, remember who I was as a person pre-marriage/pre-mommy. I start to like myself again.

october...our 10th anniversary. month from hell. really hard for me, but I process it, I am doing far better than I ever had in the past. I find an awesome book called Crucial conversations that I shill to anyone who will listen. it amazes me and really helps me learn how to deal with confrontation, and with conversations that are, well, cruicial. which is good, because a week or so after our anniversary, h asks for a meeting. I handle it as well as I can, definitely better than pre-book/pre-therapy. he so wants me to be the one to say "go to mediation" but I won't. he finally says we should look into it. I cry, but its all I can do.

should backtrack for a minute to april when I did talk to 2 lawyers and was considering filing...a good friend of mine told me I should make him do the dirty work. protect myself, get my lawyer, but dammit, he should be the one to file. made sense. everything has always been made easy for him his whole life...my filing would have done the same. he later told me that was true.

the next day I find out he has cashed in all of our stocks. I am furious. beyond furious. he was trying to cash our his pension but couldn't w/o my signiture. I went off six ways from sunday. huge fight, nasty things said. and the money better be in the joint acct the next day or I was filing (it was).

then the next day I found out he had opened his own bank acct. and there was a significant amount of money in it. I thought it was the stocks, but found out later it was something else (a bonus). it was the perfect storm. I am unleashed. have never been so angry in my life...ever. I am hysterical. I told him no way on mediation, I didn't trust him. I do not recognize myself, I am fury personified...nothing saps the adreneline in me....it just grows and grows. I call ow and leave a vm asking if she knew we had been having sex again? (it had been 2 weeks since our last time I think). h calls HYSTERICAL that she ended it with him, how could I do that, he has nothing now. and I was supposed to feel sorry? I told him their sick relationship would reconcile before the day was out.

got a message later from OW saying that h told her when we had sex last was (not sure what load he told her, but it sure wasn't the truth) and she was choosing to believe him, unless I could produce evidence. I vm her back and say she was missing the point, I didn't give a damn what she did with the info, I just would have appreciated it a year ago when the affair began. and I would have...I fall into the "want to know" category. she obviously doesn't.

November, h mentions a few things about D, never using the word. I tell him 2 things...that I am struggling enough with the holidays, can he wait till after the first of the year. and I tell him I need him to keep all R and D conversation to e-mail from now on. all business in fact is now via email, and it is AWESOME. I love it. first, because i have written proof of stuff he says (he used to try to convince me I was nuts) and more importantly, it gave me time to process everything before I responded. and it helped us both relax when near each other...all we talked about was the weather and the kids, hard to get too crazy over that. its weird at first, but is nice after a while.

I have a huge proud where I take the kids to VA by myself (driving, about 8 hours) for thanksgiving weekend. we have a wonderful time. I am stronger, more confident, am moving along.

[LL44]

Since I am the QUEEN of interupting, I couldn't resist saying "HI" in the middle of your story. MWAH!

[SallyM]

cont....

December. christmas. horrible. but not...I make my plans, I process, I envision, and i survive. could have been worse, but still faked it a LOT.

January 08...am waiting every day to hear from h about mediation. I know its coming any day. instead, about midway thru the month, I get an e-mail from him saying that he misses me, that he is stopping smoking (something he started when he started the affair), going back to the gym, and starting to look for a therapist (he ended ic in july). I said I was happy to hear that, that I think that is great...but did NOT make it about me. it wasn't. but yes, I did get hopeful. those interested might want to check out my thread for that time. he finally really apologizes...seems to finally get what he did. prior to this he said all the horrible, mean, shocking things you all probably hear, and definitely no ownership. this time is different.

over the next couple of months I notice a distinctive pattern...he tends to fall apart a bit around each holiday. very sad. sometimes sobbing. horrified at what he has done.

the biggest thing for me is after a year of therapy I finally realize i need to let him have his pain. I used to try to take it from him, to make it better. it is hard and unnatural for me at first, but I get better. and I discover what loving detachment really means.

I would say some parts of DB worked for me, and some don't. But DB definitely made a difference. it helped me get the ball rolling with my GAL, that's for sure. helped me understand it. and it, along with therapy, helped me get to the point that I understood dropping the rope and how that benefitted me.

I'll tell you, it is still painful...every step toward divorce is like a tentacle ripped from me. but I understand why that is like that. and in the past I've also compared it to physical therapy...looking at the mountain of surviving a divorce seems far too immense, just like climbing a set of stairs does after knee surgery. but if you keep pushing forward, little by little, you will get there. and i know if we do end up getting a divorce, every step will have its own challenge, but I know I will be okay in the end...just little by little by little.

I think making h do the dirty work (actually filing/contacting the mediator) worked in my favor. that didn't mean I sat back...I researched, learned my rights, and started to gather the necessary info. 2 weeks ago I started to finally fill out the mediation paperwork. and I told him I was doing so...but told him this was still his ballgame.

sorry if I've talked everyones ears off. trust me, I did cut back. damn, I'm wordy. lol.

to sum up, some of the things that helped me the most were:

my therapist (cognitive behavioral therapy)

my support system (bft, sister, a few trusted friends)

DB

The people here at DB

special shout-out to lwb

journaling (forgot to mention that one, but wow, HUGE)

the book, Crucial Conversations

stepping back and looking at my motivations for behavior

stopping snooping! I forgot to mention that, but for the most part I stopped and was sooo much healthier once I did.

the book, Eat, Pray, Love

my friend, georgia, who 1st pointed out to me that he should be the one to file. to stop making it easy for him. don't prevent, but don't do it for him.

our separation. I honestly do NOT think we would be where we might be w/o it. I don't. because of the ow involved, and the fantasy surrounding their R. if he never had to face reality with her, (and the reality of leaving his life/his kids) he would never have gotten past the fantasy.