June...june 1 is her birthday. I know this based on an april e-mail of plans they made for it. he works from home, but suddenly has tix to the sox game and has to take clients there that night. hell no. hell no. I tell him if he goes, don't come back. he says he has to go, he can't find anyone to take his tix. bs. throw money at the clients for dinner/drinks, and trust me, its sox/yankees, you will find someone to take them. I go to the store, and come back to a NOTE telling me he was going. I call, hysterical, tell him not to come back. ever.
june 2....I do something that has terrified me for a long time. I took all 3 kids out into boston by myself. they are 5, 3, 3, at the time and I take them to the science museum and we have a BLAST and I know I will be okay. that I can do this. I am fine, we are done, but I am a strong woman and can do this. h calls while we are there, he knows he isn't coming home, sounds sad that we are having fun without him.
june 3, 1 am, I am asleep but hear a key turn in the door...it is h. he runs upstairs, sweeps me into his arms, promises me the moon on a silver platter. I say I have to think about it. later that afternoon I tell him that this is it, the last chance, no more.
the week goes along, but I lose momentum on my own work...I become all about H again, all about our R, not about ME. I see it, I feel it, I know it. My BFT (how I will refer to my friend the therapist, NOT my therapist from now on) tells me that in her experience we will be divorced before the year is out unless we work on ourselves. she recommends a 2 week separation...just so we can get our heads back on ourselves for a bit. I talk to h and its a good talk and he seems to understand, but then starts to get irritated about it....and says if he leaves, he knows himself, he'll go back to her. that clinches it for me. if its so easy to go back to her, he will as soon as it all gets hard again.
he goes to IC later that week and the IC recommends at least 6 months worth of separation. I am CRUSHED. feels too real. but nothing to be done now. we talk to the kids, tell them daddy is living with mimi for a while, and we lay our a schedule when he will be over. it works well, we come by it naturally, but omg, so hard to do.
july...we struggle finding our way. he starts taking the kids friday night-sunday morning to his moms. I bawl my eyes out every time he leaves with them. am physically ill over it. do NOT let the kids see me this way. I am a wreck. and confused...I haven't had free time since our eldest was born, it was very unnerving to have so much of it. and lonely.
An online friend recommends DB and I find it at a bookstore, and I sit and read it and finally understand what my BFT and my IC have been saying...about GAL, and about working on myself. It explains it in a way that I finally get...how much more attractive it is, etc. So I do it, I GAL, and I am comforted by the support this board offers. I start doing my best faking it...definitley not making it, but faking as good as I can.
August...he moves in with ow. I don't know it for sure, but suspect it. can't remember exactly when/how it was confirmed. I do another huge thing for me...I take the kids on a road trip by myself. just a loooong day (3.5 hours there and 3.5 back) but I do it, and we have a blast. we are team T!
then one saturday he invites me to go with him and the kids to Storyland. I mull it over...too hard to be around him, etc. But I decide to go, but to drive myself, so I meet them there (saves 2 uncomfortable hours in the car!). he chases me around this kids amusement park like a madman...trying to kiss and grope me. I am stunned. it was bizarroworld. I don't give in, but damn. a few things here...he thought I was seeing someone (I never said I was, but he heard me talking to a guy friend he doesn't know and freaked). I think that really made him act like that.
He continues to chase the next day when he brings the kids home...I give in. what can I say, dumb, but hey. and I give in a few more times over the next few weeks...off and on...he says it might bring us closer...I think I am stronger than I am. I continue to GAL, meet new people, remember who I was as a person pre-marriage/pre-mommy. I start to like myself again.
october...our 10th anniversary. month from hell. really hard for me, but I process it, I am doing far better than I ever had in the past. I find an awesome book called Crucial conversations that I shill to anyone who will listen. it amazes me and really helps me learn how to deal with confrontation, and with conversations that are, well, cruicial. which is good, because a week or so after our anniversary, h asks for a meeting. I handle it as well as I can, definitely better than pre-book/pre-therapy. he so wants me to be the one to say "go to mediation" but I won't. he finally says we should look into it. I cry, but its all I can do.
should backtrack for a minute to april when I did talk to 2 lawyers and was considering filing...a good friend of mine told me I should make him do the dirty work. protect myself, get my lawyer, but dammit, he should be the one to file. made sense. everything has always been made easy for him his whole life...my filing would have done the same. he later told me that was true.
the next day I find out he has cashed in all of our stocks. I am furious. beyond furious. he was trying to cash our his pension but couldn't w/o my signiture. I went off six ways from sunday. huge fight, nasty things said. and the money better be in the joint acct the next day or I was filing (it was).
then the next day I found out he had opened his own bank acct. and there was a significant amount of money in it. I thought it was the stocks, but found out later it was something else (a bonus). it was the perfect storm. I am unleashed. have never been so angry in my life...ever. I am hysterical. I told him no way on mediation, I didn't trust him. I do not recognize myself, I am fury personified...nothing saps the adreneline in me....it just grows and grows. I call ow and leave a vm asking if she knew we had been having sex again? (it had been 2 weeks since our last time I think). h calls HYSTERICAL that she ended it with him, how could I do that, he has nothing now. and I was supposed to feel sorry? I told him their sick relationship would reconcile before the day was out.
got a message later from OW saying that h told her when we had sex last was (not sure what load he told her, but it sure wasn't the truth) and she was choosing to believe him, unless I could produce evidence. I vm her back and say she was missing the point, I didn't give a damn what she did with the info, I just would have appreciated it a year ago when the affair began. and I would have...I fall into the "want to know" category. she obviously doesn't.
November, h mentions a few things about D, never using the word. I tell him 2 things...that I am struggling enough with the holidays, can he wait till after the first of the year. and I tell him I need him to keep all R and D conversation to e-mail from now on. all business in fact is now via email, and it is AWESOME. I love it. first, because i have written proof of stuff he says (he used to try to convince me I was nuts) and more importantly, it gave me time to process everything before I responded. and it helped us both relax when near each other...all we talked about was the weather and the kids, hard to get too crazy over that. its weird at first, but is nice after a while.
I have a huge proud where I take the kids to VA by myself (driving, about 8 hours) for thanksgiving weekend. we have a wonderful time. I am stronger, more confident, am moving along.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
