i'm clueless....

[Tomato]

How exciting for you to be having the baby next week. I certainly hope all goes well with the procedure. Were the other deliveries by c-section as well?

I hope you are getting some rest as the delivery draws near. Let your faith in Christ guide you.

[ann25]

Hi Tomato - yep... D3 was an emergency c-section. D1 was scheduled due to some health issues the Dr was worried about and this one will be because the risk of tearing the previous cut open make it slighlty more risky than another c-section. The dr. would feel safer going that way. I figure he knows best!

i apparently will be getting some rest. My Dr. told me last night that he'd prefer i stay home next week rather than work...i'm getting close and he doesn't especially want me going into labor. Works for me!!

i can't wait to see her!!!

Thanks for visiting...

ann

[blindsided1]

So, I am assuming you have a new baby or are about to. Hope all went well or does go well. Please keep us updated. I am almost there and getting totally nervous and scared. I suppose that's normal for a first baby, right?

[Tomato]

Hi Ann

I would like to hear from you to know that you and the baby are doing well. Let us know.

[ann25]

hi all -

I haven't been here for over a month. i had Zoe on may 24 and she was perfectly healthy and just beautiful (though i may be biased )

I had a whole bunch of different little things, allergic reactions, infections... to deal with after delivery, but i'd do it all over again to have her.

H was so awesome while i was in the hospital and the couple days after i came home, but then it was the same old thing. Once i was able to move around after my incision healed a little more then it got worse. He's used to me doing everything and working, now that i'm home, he's convinced that everything needs to be perfect, you know, "since I'm just sitting around at home all day". Forget the fact that i just had major abdominal surgery, just had a baby and am now taking care of 3 little girls (one of which is breastfeeding and the others that are adjusting to having a new sister) and still keeping things cleaned and bills paid and dinner cooked every night. It's just not enough. I've decided that nothing will ever be enough for him.

I'm pretty much done. I know that i shouldn't be saying that here. i should be grateful that we are still married and that he's here and everything else, but i'm done feeling like this. I'm not leaving or anything, but i'm done trying so hard to make him happy. My life revolves around how he is feeling and i really have more going on than just that. He yells and screams and blames me for things and is just mean a lot of the time. I tell him and he tells me how he won't talk about it cause he doesn't want to fight with me. later that night or the next day, he'll apologize and tell me he didn't mean it. This is fine on occassion, but every day for the same thing is getting rediculous. His apologies have no meaning anymore.

I'm always frustrated and i don't even like being around him. When i tell him something he doesn't want to talk. He says i'm always trying to start a fight with him. Apparently, i'm not allowed to disagree with him anymore.

Just having had a baby, my body image is a little warped, if i ask him how i look, it's "you look just fine, don't worry about it" or "it's ok if you don't look good, you just had a baby" not that he even looks at me, but i suppose it doesn't matter.

One thing i will give him some credit for is that he is being better with the girls and that is what is keeping me here. I've been telling him when i feel uncomfortable with how he treats them and he gets mad at first cause i'm "telling him how i want him to raise his kids", but then later, he apologizes to them for screaming or spanking them for something stupid.

thanks for letting me vent some, i needed to get that out.

I hope you are all doing well. If anyone has advice for me that would be great. It's been just me sitting here thinking for the last month, so anyones opinion would be great!!

take care ann

[Racefan]

Hi ann...

Never posted to you but have kept up with your sitch off and on over the last few months. Congrats on a healthy baby girl, 10 fingers & 10 toes was the first thing I did yep nothing better! Hope the after delivery things are clearing up. Glad H stepped up to the plate for a few weeks and took some of the pressure off of you. It's to bad he slipped back into old patterns some how I don't think that surprised you?

"I'm pretty much done. I know that i shouldn't be saying that here. i should be grateful that we are still married and that he's here and everything else, but i'm done feeling like this. I'm not leaving or anything, but i'm done trying so hard to make him happy. My life revolves around how he is feeling and i really have more going on than just that."

Nothing wrong with saying what you feel, if you can't say it here where can you? A little twig here not a 2x4 but a twig, it is not your job to make H happy, that's his job. Your job is to make yourself happy. I understand in a family sometimes others moods can depict the atmosphere of the house, still not your job.

"He yells and screams and blames me for things and is just mean a lot of the time. I tell him and he tells me how he won't talk about it cause he doesn't want to fight with me. later that night or the next day, he'll apologize and tell me he didn't mean it. This is fine on occassion, but every day for the same thing is getting rediculous. His apologies have no meaning anymore."

Not been meaning here but IMHO H needs to grow up and become a man and quit blaming you for his short comings. You have enough to do with 3 little ones, you don't need a 4th.

"I'm always frustrated and i don't even like being around him. When i tell him something he doesn't want to talk. He says i'm always trying to start a fight with him. Apparently, i'm not allowed to disagree with him anymore."

I don't blame you for not wanting to be around such a negative force, seems to me he does these little tyraids to gain some control he thinks he needs? You have every right to disagree as long as it is done with respect & from what I have read on your posts I'm sure it is.

"Just having had a baby, my body image is a little warped, if i ask him how i look, it's "you look just fine, don't worry about it" or "it's ok if you don't look good, you just had a baby" not that he even looks at me, but i suppose it doesn't matter."

This is just childish and rude of him. You just carried a child for 9 months. He needs to quit thinking about his needs and start putting your needs first for a change. I maybe a DAM, but I never did or could disrespect my W like this, IMO there is nothing more beautiful than a woman carrying a child before or after. Beauty is more than the outer shell, it is much deeper than that.

"One thing i will give him some credit for is that he is being better with the girls and that is what is keeping me here. I've been telling him when i feel uncomfortable with how he treats them and he gets mad at first cause i'm "telling him how i want him to raise his kids", but then later, he apologizes to them for screaming or spanking them for something stupid."

I'm glad he is stepping up on this it takes 2 to parent. Not quite sure why he would get angry when you make suggestions, part of parenting is being able to communicate between each other and learn from each other. Lets face it when it comes to raising kids, I will always intertain ideas from my W cause after all if it doesn't come with pictures the meaning isn't always clear. I have learned how to be a good parent thru my W, sometimes it just best not to go against mother nature. Not to be stereotypical, but somethings are just natural for one or the other, that's just the society has made it. Maybe he needs a spanking LOL!

"thanks for letting me vent some, i needed to get that out."

This is the place to do it, better than creating a sitch that you don't want or need at home.

Stay positive, keep taking care of your little ones, keep working on you, you sound like a sweet caring person and not deservant for H actions or out bursts.

Peace be in your heart

{{{ann}}}

Brian

[Tomato]

Hi Ann

I have missed you. It is terrific to have you back and to know that the family is healthy and well. I am sure Dom will be glad to see you are back so that he can provide his wonderful advice on a host of issue3s for you. ANd I am so glad to hear that H was terrific a month ago when Zoe arrived. I really like the name Zoe btw. Did you give your H much praise for his actions at that time? I am also glad to know that he is handling things with the girls a lot better by the sounds of it. I just wish as I am sure you do that he would treat his #1 girl as his #1 girl. But, view the positive changes for what they are ..positive changes. It aint easy changing us guys and the changes sometimes can be so slow that you don't even realize that it has occured.

Anyway, I am so happy to have you back. Stop by my thread (if you haven't already ..better check). Glorify our magnificent Lord.

[Dom R]

Hey Ann.. glad you came back!
and congratulations on a healthy delivery!

Dom advice time...

You're in the same situation you were in before, but greater pressure.

You need to do the same things you needed to do before the birth... its just now you need to do them even more!

1. Defend boundaries for yourself: do not allow your husband to bad-mouth you unfairly: Dont let him scream at you.
If he just goes off, and has an anger management problem:
insist that he go get counselling for it.
Plus, think of ways to get him to stop yelling at you. IMMEDIATELY when he does it.

Suggestions:
water piston, air horn, ... Anything to interrupt him, that will get his attention more than you saying "stop yelling at me" (since apparently that doesnt work?)


2. Build positive time together. Get babysitters, and go do stuff with him, away from the children. waaay more than you have been doing.


And here's a new one:
Dont put him in a position where you're trying to get him to lie to you, to make you feel better about yourself.
Stop asking him how you look. Let's be honest: you're probably kinda a mess right now, and you will be for some months.
To expect otherwise, is crazy. So quit bugging him, and yourself about it, and focus on what's important: the "health" of your family.


-----


I told you that if you didnt fix things before the baby, it will be so much worse for you.
You didnt fix em... things are now much worse.

So now I'll tell you something else: If you dont put in twice the effort now, that you needed to put in before the baby... you or he will probably file for divorce within a year.

YOUR MARRIAGE IS FIXABLE!
But only if you decide you are going to change what you do around your husband!

You probably could do very well if you got some joint phone counselling together.
Not only would you benefit from the advice but I think that if you found one that you both "connected" with, then the counselling itself, could become a "joint venture" to bring you closer together.

It sounds to me like your greatest need right now, is not to overcome any intrinsic relationship difficulties, but "only" to reconnect again closely.
(which is really really difficult with a new baby.... but I think you can find a way together somehow, if you both decide to work on it)

Hang in there. Dont give up on your family.
Giving up on your marriage, is giving up on your family.

[ann25]

Brian,

thanks for your opinions and comments.

it is not your job to make H happy, that's his job. Your job is to make yourself happy.

I do totally understand this concept, i guess i don't feel like i have to make him happy as much as i have to be careful to avoid pissing him off. I'm working on making me happy, i am happy most of the time. The only thing i really struggle with is my M. I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells just to make sure that he doesn't get upset. I can't handle the yelling. I don't get a whole lot of sleep (as you may imagine) and i need to be patient with my girls throughout the day, so i can't handle him throwing fits too.

I maybe a DAM, but I never did or could disrespect my W like this, IMO there is nothing more beautiful than a woman carrying a child before or after.

That is one of the sweetest things i have read in a while... i've lost all my baby weight, but things just haven't gotten back to where they need to be so sometimes i get a little insecure about it. i've always struggled with my weight and right before this baby, i had been doing really well, so he knows how important it is for me to get back in shape. I guess i just need to work on my own self confidence and not worry about him.

Not to be stereotypical, but somethings are just natural for one or the other, that's just the society has made it

I agree, i have no problem dealing with the kids more and i have never tried to make him feel bad or like he isn't doing a good job. I see a lot of myself in my oldest D and I've just asked that he take her little feelings into consideration more often and not scream at her. She tends to mistake yelling for a lack of love and i don't ever want her to question that he loves her, i know he does. There is a way to discipline children without yelling at them. I don't want to scare her into doing what's right, i want to teach her why she should be doing what's right, so she'll understand.

My H needs to grow up, he probably needs more than a spanking... hehe

i'm trying to be patient. i know this is a big change for him too. it's just frustrating to feel like i'm a maid/daycare provider/cook/taxi more than i feel like a wife/friend/lover...

thanks brian.

[ann25]

Hey tomato - Thanks for checking on me... I've been home with the little ones and i don't get on the computer much unless he is sitting right next to me, so it's been a little hard to get on here and post anything...

Did you give your H much praise for his actions at that time?

Yes, i thanked him for everything he did. I sincerely appreciated everything he was doing. I suppose he didn't even do that much himself, but he arranged to have it done so i didn't have to worry about it and I appreciate that just the same. I'm so used to taking care of everything myself, that i was worried how i was going to handle everything. It's like every day as i healed up a little bit, he stopped helping a little bit.

I understand my role right now. He works, so i take care of the house and the girls, i get that, but he only works for a portion of the day, i'm kinda on call all day. God Bless Stay Home Mommies, they work their butts off!!

I'll get to your thread as soon as i respond to what i have here. Just keep praying... God has a plan.

Take Care ann