There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

thank you all very much for you input and good wishes. who knows what the future will bring. time will tell. staying grounded although yes, my head is still spinning. and saffie, not to worry, neither work for the company they used to, so no more contact needed.

ready2change, let me see if I can break it down. will warn you I am long winded and this IS cut down for me. lol. am just going with memory here, but I definitely have reams of posts here (used to be morgan, so might be under that if you do searches). I almost always link back to my previous thread, so you can click backward that way, too, if interested.

timeline:

3/19/06 I find out that h is having an affair. total shock. utter. no question about it, I was clueless. I don't let on I know but am crying/not eating/not sleeping and for some reason watching our wedding video over and over...thinking he had a clue I knew. lol. I tell my sister (who had an affair 5 years previous and was able to save her marriage) and my bf (who happens to be a therapist). my sister helps me find a therapist, I am on the phone with her that night and beg an appt the next day. my left brain takes over and I go on hyperdrive snooping/copying evidence/keeping copies and mailing some to my sister in VA so they are safe if I need them. I later learn none of this matters much in the state of MA. but at the time, hell, what did I know?

3/20/06 I have my first meeing with my therapist. She is a godsend and I know it right away. I can't breathe, I feel like I haven't breathed or am working at it far too hard and she explains that that is co-dependence talking. I talk and cry and she is wonderful.


the next couple of days its obvious h knows I know, and he goads me to tell him I know, but I don't...I hold back till I'm ready.

3/22/06, I'm ready. at around 4am I wake him up and just ask him how long?

lots of crying/sadness/heartache ensues.

I have us in MC by the end of the week. h goes, but seems disinterested to say the least. it doesn't occur to me that he is actually in love with her or will leave her. when we get to our first session the spew out of his mouth stuns me...and I learn he not only loves her, he seems to hate me. I never knew any of the stuff he was talking about. it is devastating. some of the stuff is downright bizarre...makes no sense in fact, but boy, is he one angry puppy.

our next several sessions are equally awful...I can't seem to stop crying (don't do confrontation well, or didn't, I do now). totally non-productive. I keep with my IC weekly...helping, but oh the devastation. and weight loss.

April...our MC ends. our MC explains that we are both better off, at this point, working on our selves independently. I am stunned, devastated. talk to my friend (the therapist) who explains that likely the affair has not ended, as h has sworn, and most MC will not continue MC under those circumstances. I am crushed. since h has no IC he offers to work with him independently and I continue with my IC.

I continue to snoop, btw. I learn all about texting and such...I am horrified. each thing is a kick in the gut. He has given me passwords to all of his accts, btw, e-mail and such, and I learn lots of stuff that points to the affair being active still. heartbreaking.

I find something that clinches it while he is on a business trip and I e-mail him. he makes the worlds lamest excuse, then emails me that his meeting is ending early, and since I am being a pita, he is heading into NYC with his buddy. I email back that his clothes will be on the porch, to have his mom pick them up so they don't get wet. and I proceed to grab suitcases and garbage bags and empty every stitch of clothing he has in the house...up the stairs, stuff stuff stuff, down the stairs, lug lug lug, slam goes the door. I lose 3lbs in the process.

h comes home instead of NYC, freaked out. goes to a hotel that night, but is back by the end of the weekend.

also in april, my 40th birthday. we were supposed to go on a big trip for it, I realize that ain't gonna happen, so I book a trip to my bf (the therpist's) house in florida and have a wonderful week...amazing. I was afraid I would cry the whole time, but instead I found peace. finally. and sleep. and I start to eat a bit again...little by little.

May, I realize they are still NOT stopping communication (phone records prove it). he says they are doing nothing, promises it will stop.

his birthday (may 11) I finally give up...I still see evidence of the affair (lots o texts and such) and I get drunk as a skunk, f his brains out, and tell him he is free, bye bye. go have at her!

we fall asleep and the next morning he is all over me, wants to make ammends, promises that it is really over, he is horrified, really pleading. then he goes to the gym. his blackberry buzzes while at the gym...I open it. and I learn how to use a blackberry. not intuitive to me, I get my sister on the phone, but I figure it out. I read 2 weeks worth of emails. holy god. the stuff there still makes me nauseous. I call him at the gym and go OFF on him. IT IS OVER

he moves out, goes to his moms, comes to see the kids on during the week at times and leaves at night and the kids are devastated. eldest in particular. grabs daddy's legs and cries his eyes out, begging him to stay, please daddy don't go. that vision is seared in my mind. h leaves. he calls and says he can't handle what S5 did, he has ended it with her for good, it is done, can he come back. I say yes. he comes back.

he doesn't end it with her.