Question for butterflymom

[butterflymom]

Hey BFM....I was wondering, my H asked me once the question "you would want to have sex with me while I am seeing OW?" Me and my H have done that....while he was with the OW. I tried to act as if it was Just sex....that is what I told him. It was just sex....he would still do that now if I allowed it....didnt you ever feel he was cake eating? Like maybe he was just using you...or did you deep down think he really cared?

I second guessed myself and my decision to continue sleeping with him on a nearly daily basis. I was never sure if it was complete cake eating or just partial cake eating. I sometimes felt like there were feelings there (more toward the end than in the beginning), but sometimes I felt totally used. Sometimes I knew I was nothing more than a booty call.

FW says there were times that he felt used by me as well (?!?!?). That was a surprise to me. He said he wasn't sure if I had feelings for him anymore or it I just needed to get laid.

2 months or so before he came home I started getting an indication that there were true feelings there, but I still questioned it.

I have noticed in the past that while we were sleeping together behind the OW's back (stupid) we would connect better...we would talk more, were more comfortable opening up...it was as if there were no pressures, then when he would come back and try to work on things, it was different....Did you ever feel that way? Did FW?

I felt this way, but I knew I was taking a big risk at the same time. It was the small thread that held us together. In hindsight I can definitely see that, but at the time I was doing it I wasn't so sure if it was right or not.

It felt more right to me than wrong and my prayers and the way that I saw God leading me with his still small voice led me to think it was the right thing to do. I prayed about it daily and asked for guidance about whether to keep doing it or not, but something would always happen to make me see I needed to continue on my path.

I could sense FW's confusion. I could see him sometimes teetering on some invisible line. He would open up to me in small ways about his life away (I never asked, always let him lead) and I was getting a little bit of a picture that things away may not be the best. That he missed us, etc.

It’s such an individual decision because all situations are so different. For me, it worked. For you it may or may not.

How did FW feel about doing this behind the OW's back?

He said he felt awful about it. He managed to justify it in his mind because he was still married to me and he somehow justified that it wasn't wrong because of that, but it still ripped him apart. He said he would not have been able to keep it up for a long time. It was bad for his health - mental as well as physical.

Interestingly he said he felt nearly as bad about running around behind her back as he did when he was running around behind my back with her.

I know some guys could probably do it indefinitely with hardly any guilty feelings or remorse. Some guys would be able to cake eat with no problems.

I knew FW well enough (or at least I thought I did) to know that he was not cut out for the life of a cheater. He had much too strong a conscience for that. He was never good at hiding his affair from me (even though he tried) and it literally made him fall apart to try to carry on with the deception. I watched it happen over a period of several months before he left. I was taking a calculated risk that he wouldn't be able to carry on behind her back for too long either and that sex would keep a bond between us when nothing else did. (MWD mentions this in DB as well, but I don't think she recommends it when there is an OP involved.)

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I'm definitely in the MINORITY on them. Good luck.

BFM