This is my personal experience: I really got screwed financially by putting my house on the market BEFORE the divorce was over. (I came here 2 relationships post-divorce). Then, all of the money was tied in escrow for 3 years while we tried to finish the settlement. Then the lawyer took most of it. Do not let any lawyers hold any escrow. Get a third party. Get all financial agreements with your lawyer in writing. Do not believe that they will be able to make your H pay their fee.
Last edited by sgctxok; 05/15/0812:37 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Don't DB his 'MLC'. DB him as if he is not 'MLC'. Just use that interpretation to understand that you may be in this for the long haul.
Can you explain this a little more? I'm not sure I understand.
Well, I understand the part about being in it for the long haul!!
Thanks!
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Hi T, I think what Sg means is that you should treat him as if he is not in a crisis. Treat him as you would a "friend". If he says weird things or tries to bait you just let it roll off your shoulders...bite your tongue until you can vent here.
I have followed that advice on many occasions and I think my tongue bled a few times! However, I did not talk about every little thing to H, I picked my battles, usually when it came to the kids well being.
When you find a new L, get a contract in writing about your financial obligations. I am not sure how things work in your state, but here many L's accept reasonable payment plans. May be something to look into.
This is my personal experience: I really got screwed financially by putting my house on the market BEFORE the divorce was over. (I came here 2 relationships post-divorce). Then, all of the money was tied in escrow for 3 years while we tried to finish the settlement. Then the lawyer took most of it. Do not let any lawyers hold any escrow. Get a third party. Get all financial agreements with your lawyer in writing. Do not believe that they will be able to make your H pay their fee.
Well, what I would like to actually do---understanding that I don't REALLY WANT to do any of this, but if I'm going to make the best of the worst case scenario---what I hope is that we can put the house on the market now, H and I will use the proceeds to buy a house for me and the kids, then and only then will I sign the D papers. (Of course, the judge may not go for this, but I plan on asking for it.)
The reason I would like to do it this way is: 1. It could potentially put the final D further out, depending on how long it took to sell the house. I do still see time as working in my favor.
2. I have a friend who is a mortgage writer. She says that because I've been out of the work force for so long and have no income, I will not qualify for anything on my own, unless I could pay the entire asking price of a house in cash. H will HAVE to have the mortgage in his name, for a while, anyway. If the house doesn't sell until AFTER the D is final, H may have already bought a house for himself and the bimbo, or buy himself a fancy new sports car, or just go further into consumer debt, which could prevent him from qualifying for a home loan for me and the kids.
Also, if we can get me and the kids into a home BEFORE the D is final, the lawyers won't be able to get their hands on any cash profit we would make from the sale of the house. H and I have an agreement (which has yet to be put in writing, but I do think that H will agree for it to be put in writing) that any profits from the sale of the house will go into a joint account or joint trust that needs both of our signature to withdraw, and then will go straight into buying a new house for me and the kids. Need to get a new lawyer on that ASAP.
If I wait until after the D is final to sell the house, then yes, I would get any profits made, but I would also be responsible for the upkeep, the repairs, the insurance, and the taxes, (which are ASTRONOMICAL on a house this big), and if it took a long time to sell, it could easily go into foreclosure.
It's a lot to consider.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Hi T, I think what Sg means is that you should treat him as if he is not in a crisis. Treat him as you would a "friend". If he says weird things or tries to bait you just let it roll off your shoulders...bite your tongue until you can vent here.
I have followed that advice on many occasions and I think my tongue bled a few times! However, I did not talk about every little thing to H, I picked my battles, usually when it came to the kids well being.
When you find a new L, get a contract in writing about your financial obligations. I am not sure how things work in your state, but here many L's accept reasonable payment plans. May be something to look into.
Mom,
I am trying to bite my tongue and act "as if" most of the time!
As for the L, my L gave me the big song and dance routine that he would give me back in cash whatever was left over of my retainer fee. Ha! Maybe he should have mentioned up front that he would zip through that $10K retainer fee in a heartbeat, and wanted to use an evaluator and an accountant who also wanted $10K retainer fees---EACH! L also told me when I counterfiled that H would most likely be made responsible for all or the majority of the legal fees, and that whatever was left due would come out of my settlement. Then L decided to change the rules in the middle of the game. Jerk. I think I'm better off without him.
Thanks for checking in on me. Hope all is well with you and your family, and that you had a very nice Mother's Day. :-)
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Met with a realtor this afternoon. I liked her, and H just told me he did, too. Actually, I don't think he really cares who we use, as long as it isn't our realtor/friend we used in the past. He knows she would NOT approve (and she doesn't) of what he is doing. Also, she knows how much in love we were, how much he loved me. I think he is too guilty and ashamed and embarrassed to see her.
So we agreed to find someone neither one of us knew. She took a tour and made a lot of notes, then we all sat down at the kitchen table together and she gave us some recommendations on what repairs were absolutely necessary, and will get back to us with her pricing recommendations. He actually said he would make some repairs. I didn't think he would put a penny into it, so I'm glad of that.
After she left, I started to cry quietly. I got up to get a paper towel to wipe my face, and H and I were across the kitchen counter from each other. I said, "This was your dream house. Don't you feel sad?" Not confrontationally, just quietly curious.
He said, "Yes." He was quiet for a minute, but I could tell he was trying to find the words to say what he wanted to say.
H said, "We just bring out the worst in each other."
We talked for a few minutes, less than 5 mins., about R stuff. He is, of course, not willing to give it a try, but it wasn't confrontational, I agreed and validated, and it was probably one of the first convos where he wasn't nasty and spewing, and neither one of us brought up OW.
I still don't believe he was as unhappy as he tells everyone now---he would have had to be an academy award winning actor---at least not until Bimbo came along to convince him of how unhappy and unfulfilled he was, but I said that I was sorry that it took something so drastic to make me see how unhappy he was, that I had taken a long hard look at myself and was trying to change some things I didn't like. That I wasn't making the changes for him but for ME, that I wasn't perfect, that the changes wouldn't happen overnight. Also said that my relationship with the kids had improved, and that I like me more now.
But said even if my relationship with the kids has improved, and we enjoy our time together more, they still weren't as happy with their lives now as they were before he left. I said that even if he and I had started taking each other for granted and had fallen into bad patterns of communication, that those 3 little lives were worth trying it again.
He just shook his head and said that's what his parents want him to do, to just "stick it out" until the kids are older. I said that is NOT what I want. I said of course I wouldn't want you to "stick it out" and be miserable. I said I wanted us to go to counseling, relearn how to communicate with each other, learn to bring out the best in each other instead of the worst. I said I thought the kids were worth an honest 6 month or one year long try, because if it didn't work out, at the end of a year he would still be only 41 years old and plenty young enough to go make a new life for himself if that's what he wanted.
He just kept saying that we weren't right for each other. Said that I kept going back to my "old ways." (I do get defensive when criticized.) He brought up an example of me letting the potted plants by the front door die. He made a deal out of it when he was here a few days ago. So ridiculous. I just told him I couldn't afford to water the yard. (Which is true, but I should have just let it alone and not risen to his bait.) So he brings it up again today as an example of how I don't take care of the house and said that he wanted to put plastic plants there while the house is on the market. Oh, my Lord! I wanted to scream at him about how the potted plants were the absolute LAST thing on my priority list right now, when I've been abandoned to take care of a 5200 sq. ft. house, a huge yard, 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats all on my own. Plus figure out how to pay all the bills when he was off playing house in fantasyland with a 21 yr. old bimbo and not giving us enough to survive on!
But I just said, "You are right, my first reaction is to get defensive when I feel criticized, and I am trying to work on that. The changes I'm making in myself won't happen overnight."
That was about it. He asked a couple of questions about the AC filters that need to be changed, and then it was time to pick up the kids from school.
He picked up the two little ones, took them to get pics made for passports (he's taking S9 to Germany with him to visit his brother for a week, which I think is an EXCELLENT sign---a baby step, if you will, since he has barely spoken to his brother in more than a year), then took them for ice cream and brought them back home.
We stepped outside together and I told him I would prefer to put real plants back in the pots. Said he was right that I had neglected them last year, but that it had been a very difficult time for me, that it had been a steep learning curve having to do everything on my own, but that I was in a much better place now. (mostly true, though I do have HUGE depressed moments)
He said okay, and we talked about what plants to put in them.
He said goodbye to kids and left.
So, not a bad interaction, I think.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
