After 3 long years, H is home - II

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Michelle and S&S.

Today, I am really questioning whether or not to keep DBing this M. I agree that "DBing is for life", however, as far as my M goes.....I just don't know. I DO know that I have a choice to make though.

I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not even frustrated. Just really thinking about things.

My H is an exhausted, grumpy, depressed, angry individual. I cannot change him, I cannot help him, no matter how much I "act as if". No matter how upbeat, positive, cheery I am. I can try making small talk, but he doesn't bother to look at me nor will he even reply most of the time. He only 'talks' to me when he wants to vent about something.

My way of doing things are just "wrong" in his eyes. Example: Today. When leaving to pick up my sons from school, I like to go early. I will leave the house 20 - 30 minutes before they get out. The school is only 5 minutes away, but this is my routine. I like to get there before the parking lot gets crowded (exiting is ALWAYS easier than entering ). I will read a book or just watch over S3 while he plays with his toys or is on the playground until school's out for the day. Seems alright, doesn't it?

Well, H doesn't think it is. "OMG! You really have to go this early?!!! School doesn't get out for another 20(+) minutes! It's such a f***ing waste of time!"

*Sigh*....I see his point, but when is enough enough? I think I'm willing and CAN accept how he is....Why can't he try to do the same with/for me? Why do I feel like I have to change nearly everything to make him somewhat happy, that the way I do things is "ridiculous", "stupid", "wrong", "a waste of time"?

After his LOUD, uncaring remark, I said to him CALMLY, "I'm sorry if you don't agree with it, but this is what I have always done. It's my routine." Then I added (which I probably shouldn't have), "When will you realize that everything isn't going to always happen your way?" With his eyebrows scrunched together, he said, "It's a waste of time."

Sooo....he didn't "hear" me. This is just another thing for him to dislike about me. Another negative for him to focus on.

If he doesn't like what he sees, he will say so, and he is never "gentle" about it. Never.

Anyway, another thing. He put his dirty laundry on the laundry room floor. The same dirty laundry he didn't want me to wash for him the other day. Before he left today, he told me that he put it there and plans on doing it tomorrow himself. He still doesn't want me to do it for him.

Ok......but I'm gonna do it anyway. Maybe it'll at least get me a "thank you" and make me feel like I actually did something good.

[ACJ]

Ok......but I'm gonna do it anyway. Maybe it'll at least get me a "thank you" and make me feel like I actually did something good

STOP!
It seems to me from what you have written the the one thing that is a common complaint between you and your H is that neither of you listen to the other. So IMHO let the washing stay there on the floor. SHOW him you are listening AND retaining the information.

I had a similar experience when my H first left. For about the first 2-3 months he still came home to do his washing. I offered to do it for him but he said he wanted to do it. One day he had put the washing in the machine and then gone to work whilst the machine was still in progress. So when I came home from work I put it into the tumble drier (as my H doesn't like clothes that have been dried outside on the line like I do) and then ironed it all (as I was doing ironing anyway). He went absolutely ballistic. I hadn't ironed his new jeans in exactly the way he wanted them ironing (and apparently I never had ironed how he wanted me too ). Consequently he never brought his washing round anymore and I lost yet another way to interact with him.

I'm just reading 'Why men love bitches' and it even refers to not doing your man's laundry in there

[MichelleLT]

Ditto.

If it's in the way, move it. Otherwise, leave it be.

There are other ways to be nice to him. You will only waste your time on an AOS that won't be received that way.

(((GF)))

He has to change on his own. Moving back is a huge adjustment for him, let him get used to it, get used to living with you.

[GoingForward]

I'm just reading 'Why men love bitches' and it even refers to not doing your man's laundry in there

LOL!! That actually sounds like a good book!

STOP!

Ditto.

Ummm, oops. Sorry, ladies, but too late.

Did it last night while he was at work, and I washed it in the same exact way he does - dark and light colors, blue jeans and whites, all together in one load. Don't have to worry about ironing anything because he doesn't bother with that either.

I don't know if he noticed or not when he got home this morning (the laundry room is the first area you pass through upon entering the house from the garage), but if he did, he didn't say anything about his dirty clothes not being on the floor where he left them. He was probably too tired anyway to really notice. His relief at work called in sick, he had to wait til they got a replacement, so he just got done working an 18 hour shift! He was on the internet for awhile when he got home looking at Dodge Chargers again, then went to bed about 40 minutes ago.

Anyway, it won't bother me if he notices or says anything or not about the laundry. I just know that it made me feel a little better to do it, giving H one less thing to worry about on his only day off this week !

Thanks, ACJ and Michelle.

[Sugar and Spice]

GF the your heart is in the right place and you can't fault someone for that. Next time if he says don't do it, don't. He is a big boy and let him act like one.

My way of doing things are just "wrong" in his eyes. Example: Today. When leaving to pick up my sons from school, I like to go early. I will leave the house 20 - 30 minutes before they get out. The school is only 5 minutes away, but this is my routine. I like to get there before the parking lot gets crowded (exiting is ALWAYS easier than entering ). I will read a book or just watch over S3 while he plays with his toys or is on the playground until school's out for the day. Seems alright, doesn't it?

Well, H doesn't think it is. "OMG! You really have to go this early?!!! School doesn't get out for another 20(+) minutes! It's such a f***ing waste of time!"

*Sigh*....I see his point, but when is enough enough? I think I'm willing and CAN accept how he is....Why can't he try to do the same with/for me? Why do I feel like I have to change nearly everything to make him somewhat happy, that the way I do things is "ridiculous", "stupid", "wrong", "a waste of time"?

After his LOUD, uncaring remark, I said to him CALMLY, "I'm sorry if you don't agree with it, but this is what I have always done. It's my routine." Then I added (which I probably shouldn't have), "When will you realize that everything isn't going to always happen your way?" With his eyebrows scrunched together, he said, "It's a waste of time."

IMHO...you really don't need to justify you actions. If you want to leave 3 hours early, thats your business. How does this really affect him in the Grand Scheme of things...it doesn't. If he doesn't like how you do it, then you could always sweetly ask if he would like to take over this task for you, if not...he can keep his opinions about when/how you do it to himself!

What is it they say about opinions? They are like a$$holes, everyone has one!

Sorry for my little rant, but my H does the same thing and its usually his way of venting his frustration about something going on in his world, but instead of owning that and not being a baby, it gets taken out on someone else....GRRRRRR!!! I'm frustrated for you. You can either learn to suck it up, or wait and see if it changes.

((((GF)))) thanks for all of your wise advice on my thread. No crumbs for you either!

[girlfromipanema]

What is it they say about opinions? They are like a$$holes, everyone has one!

And they all stink!

GF,

I don't remember if you and your H ever tried counseling -- or if he would even be willing? It just seems like the communication breakdown between you two should be addressed in a way that your husband can "get". Something's gotta give. What about Retrouvaille? Would that be something your husband could consider as a last-ditch effort?

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((GF)))))
It does sound like your H has some control issues. It isn't good enough that something is done (going to get the kids), it has to be done HIS way. W is like that! C said last week that spouses of control freaks can become passive aggressive in response. W has accused me of that, I don't mean it, but I think it happens. I think you might as well. We didn't talk about whether there is anything to do about that, the hour flies by!

As far as the laundry goes, W HATES it when I do something she has asked me not to, even if it is totally logical to do it. Really, to the point of absurdity. So, I've stopped. But, I am not at all convinced that is always the right course. Sometimes it gets confusing!

[MichelleLT]

GF,

IMHO...you really don't need to justify you actions. If you want to leave 3 hours early, thats your business. How does this really affect him in the Grand Scheme of things...it doesn't. If he doesn't like how you do it, then you could always sweetly ask if he would like to take over this task for you, if not...he can keep his opinions about when/how you do it to himself!

I think that is a perfect solution! Just smile and say, would you like to pick them up today then? Or whatever it is he is complaining about.

I also concur with Jeff's assessment that he is having control issues. I think he needs to be and feel independent and in control. He can't control his shifts at work at lot of the time, a lot of aspects probably feel out of control, and he is having a hard time coping with that.

So, I think you should give it to him as much as possible - if he says he'll do his own laundry, let him. If he says, don't do that, then don't. He might change his mind a week later because he realizes it's not actually that much fun to do his own laundry, but these are decisions that he needs to make on his own.

[ACJ]

The issue with you going early for the kids:

Could it be that he is jealous?

Jealous that you can't wait to see them so you go early?

Jealous that he doesn't get to spend that quality time with them/you?

I know you have offered all this to him but just a thought.

[GoingForward]

Thanks for your posts, everyone! I totally appreciate it!

What is it they say about opinions? They are like a$$holes, everyone has one!

And they all stink!

LMAO!!! That was too funny!!

I don't remember if you and your H ever tried counseling -- or if he would even be willing?....What about Retrouvaille? Would that be something your husband could consider as a last-ditch effort?

Sadly, any kind of C, even Retro, is not an option. H does not believe in seeing someone to listen or to help solve his/our issues. Trust me, I've tried many times to get him to just consider it, but he won't.

W HATES it when I do something she has asked me not to, even if it is totally logical to do it. Really, to the point of absurdity. So, I've stopped. But, I am not at all convinced that is always the right course. Sometimes it gets confusing!

See, I feel the same way about not being sure it's always the right course to take. Not doing the things he tells me not to do, something as little as washing his clothes. Like you said, it just seems very logical to me to simply get it done. If I'm willing, then why not? Plus, I'm a SAHM - it's part of my job!!!

Interesting point about passive-aggressiveness. Never thought about that....

IMHO...you really don't need to justify you actions. If you want to leave 3 hours early, thats your business. How does this really affect him in the Grand Scheme of things...it doesn't. If he doesn't like how you do it, then you could always sweetly ask if he would like to take over this task for you, if not...he can keep his opinions about when/how you do it to himself!

I think that is a perfect solution! Just smile and say, would you like to pick them up today then? Or whatever it is he is complaining about.

Tempting.....very tempting....

However, I HAVE said this to him before on several past occasions (sometimes calmly, sometimes not), and his response was/is always, "Fine! I GLADLY will just as long as you go out, get a job like the one I have, and work as hard as I do to provide for this family......Tell me when you're ready to do that so I can quit."

But I think he got the point yesterday, when I didn't get upset and basically let him know that this is what I do and this is how I will do it, whether he likes it or not, because while the kids and I were still in bed this morning, he called and left a message saying he was sorry (and I don't think he was apologizing for still being at work).

I also concur with Jeff's assessment that he is having control issues. I think he needs to be and feel independent and in control. He can't control his shifts at work at lot of the time, a lot of aspects probably feel out of control, and he is having a hard time coping with that.

I think that's pretty safe to assume, except for the part about work. He doesn't have to work NEARLY as much as he does. He CHOOSES to. His relief calling in sick this morning certainly wasn't expected and he had to work longer than he wanted to, but 95% of the time (I am NOT exaggerating there either), he calls into work himself to see if they need any help, to see if rail cars are up to temperature so he can go in and unload them (when someone else can on that shift).

I believe it's a combination of two things. One, he doesn't want to be around because, yes, we've been at each other quite a bit in the last few weeks, and two, the money is good. REAL good. He has always had a big problem with saying no to it, even when it costs him precious time with his family and his W.

The issue with you going early for the kids:

Could it be that he is jealous?

Jealous that you can't wait to see them so you go early?

Jealous that he doesn't get to spend that quality time with them/you?

I know you have offered all this to him but just a thought.

Hmmm.....not sure.

I don't think he's jealous of not getting that time with me, but I do think he's jealous of how I get to be with them everyday, all day. He knows he's missing out on lots of things with them....watching them grow, hearing about their days, getting to play with them......He could share in some of those moments, but as I pointed out above, he chooses to work when he really doesn't have to. Even when we were S'ed and the kids were with him for his 3 or 4 days out of the week, I found out he was having other people watching them for him.....Why?.....Because he went into work. Didn't have to but did. It's sad. Very sad.

He's already worked 8 days straight so far, and the kids keep asking me (because they don't see him) if Dad's working today/tonight. They miss him.

H is out looking at cars right now. When he gets back, I'm going to (pleasantly) let him know that the boys have been asking about him. I think it's time for a little reality check.



Whew! That was long! Lotta work getting all those quotes in there!

Anyway......DAMN!!!! Sometimes I manage to amaze even myself!!! I AM GOOD!!!

LOL! Ok, I'm just talking crap and getting full of myself!

I achieved my goal, I got what I wanted - some GENUINE appreciation for having done H's laundry! I told myself if I did it for him, he would appreciate it and thank me, even though he said he didn't want me to. AND, just as I thought, he said, "Thanks for doing my laundry.....You didn't have to, but I really do appreciate it. Thanks....(Yawning and stretching because he just woke up 15 minutes before)....I was going to do it today, but before I know it, the day will have gone by and I wouldn't be able to do much of anything else. Thanks again." I said sure, no prob.



He wasn't grumpy and even asked for my opinion on certain cars he was checking out online.

Before he headed out this afternoon, he said he would be home later. He said, "I promise you. I don't want you to think I'm gonna pull any sh** with being out all night." Umm, alright. Wasn't thinking anything like that, but I just said ok.

H also said he is supposed to be off tomorrow, too, but there's a good chance he'll get called in for more overtime (my guess - he probably talked to his friend (a coworker) and told him to call him if more rail cars would be ready for unloading). He said if he does get called that he IS going in. Then he said, "If you want, I'll give you some money or something to make up for it." Umm, alright again. I didn't respond to that. He gave S3 a hug and kiss goodbye, then said bye to me. He hasn't done that in a week or so. He would just leave and say nothing to me.

Ok so, he's making a peace offering. That tells me that he's probably beginning to understand the importance of QT and how much it really means to me. If he wants to give me some spending money....umm, ok, I'll take it ......HOWEVER, I do NOT want this to become the norm, kwim? I don't want him to think that offering material "truces" will make everything ok, as if it will keep me off his back. That's what he would do pre-A.