Holding Pattern

[JWS]

I feel so sick inside. I can get myself to the place i need to be most of the day but the at night I dream about her. this time it was about him and Her. How do I DB in my sleep. waking up at 3am kills me and I feel so weak. I was on her side about needing space and her needing time to grow and what not and now this really sets me back. I am trying to just put her out of my head and move on with my life. I am afraid that if I do there will not be room in here for her later, but I can't let that stop me from moving on.

I have been trying to go dark on her. i have not spoken to her in two weeks, or emailed in 1 week. she is dark on me, she treats me as if I don't exist. if we both stay dark then won't we just heal in our own ways and move on. or she will come crashing down an expect me to pick up the pieces. I have had the suggestion from several close friends that I not call or email, but every week write her a letter, touching the friends side. just what i have been up to and inquiring about the good in her life. I want to do this because it is the only way I have to try and be her friend. What do people think about that???

I have a money question as well. our live has been setup so that my job covers all the bills with little left over and her job is all the fun money. she is looking for a job in her new city but is yet to be employed. I have been paying for everything. I gave her what i could to start, then expect her to pay her way. I want to separate our cell phones so i don't have to pay for her to talk to OM. can I say I am not going to pay for you to talk to him, or just separate it without a reason. she does not know that I know. she has money but still used my account to pay for her online game that has sucked the life out of her, and sometime uses it for gas as well I also pay car payment and insurance.

Where is the line between supporting her because she is my spouse and cutting her off because she wants to be alone. and do i do it gradually. The car payment and insurance don’t really bother me because she won’t be able to pay that in school and its my way of contributing to school. I know she is depressed and her decisions are effected by that, so its hard for me to cut off someone i think needs help.

God only gives us as much as we can handle, so I must be pretty strong because he keeps laying it on. I am ready to follow his path and the only thing I can do is put on foot in front of the other and press on, I just pray that some of this hurt subsides and I can come through this at least with my friendship in tact even if she does not love me.