So tonight I can't sleep. Not yet anyway, my wife is spending the night at her new guy's house. It sucks that I know that, but it is worse that I have played a role in getting her there and have given her my "blessing" in an effort to giver her the freedom & space she needs to gain some perspective on our R. It started out tonight that she was just going to dinner with a "person" and would be home later. I get a text at like 9 that says she will be home early in the AM and not to worry. I have to remind myself that if we could afford it, we would be living separate from each other and I would not be aware of any of this. Each time I try to sleep my heart rate speeds up and I picture them cuddled up in bed post sex & probably gonna have some AM sex too. Meanwhile I have needs too. I want to feel wanted & desired and attractive too. I started looking around online to meet someone but seems lame & I am not looking to have sex, but someone to share time with and that makes me feel good. It's not because the W is doing it that I want it too, it is more like I deserve it just as much. So it is just a weird time right now. My head is spinning about all this. My conflict is that I am really truly doing good with focusing on me and feeling good about all that. I have not felt this good in years. At the same time I feel like my W is blinded by the new dude & does not really see me in this positive light. We have had some really deep real healthy conversations lately. In fact she came forward to tell me about OM1 and that their on again off again affair has been going on for 4+ years. I had a feeling, investigated, confirmed, told his wife & stopped it. Turns out my W was so relieved b/c she had wanted to end it but did not really know how to. She does not know I played any role in that ending, but thankful none the less. She also disclosed that she has been seeing OM2 and thought I should know. Which I already did know. I have accepted all of the others and have been more hurt by the lies about it all. Especially since I gave her many opps to tell me without fear of judgement or anger. If felt really good and real to have the honesty about all of this. I felt bad not being able to disclose my envolvment with exposing the A w/OM1. Maybe one day if it fits I will tell her. I have decided that since I confirmed my gut feelings about the OMs that now I can stop recording in her car. So that feels good too. I just can't seem to get past the knowledge I do have. So it's a double edged sword I get to deal with. I am still confident that we will reconcile & make this work so we are both happy. Not sure when. I do know that she has noticed some changes. She has even initiated lunch, coffee, and movies. So that has felt pretty good. I did not read into this too much, but took the positive from it. Now I just want to really try to work on GAL and being the best man i can be for me and hope it flows over into the rest of my life as a husband, and father. Thanks for reading mostly venting since I really can't go anywhere with most of this entry. I am really trying to be a good friend at this point. Hell I even moved all her stuff into the guest room where she is sleeping so she doesn't have to use "our" closet anymore. I fear I am being too nice. For example today before her date she wanted to see our kids for a bit. So I went out of my way to pick them up from day care & bring them to her office for a bit. I struggle with being nice and making her realize what she is doing has consequences and maybe she has to go a day w/o seeing the kids if she chooses to have overnight dates. I keep reading this article: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm to get motivation. Still not easy tho. Alright I really think I am done now. Maybe I can sleep now that I got this out!
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
