Just because you have been defeated doesnt mean you have lost.....that is what my pastor told me once.
We arent the losers here....I too have my house that my Husband pays for, my kids which I get to tuck in. My business that pays all my bills. Lots of friends and family.
My H has a house that he rents with a roomie and a girlfriend who doesnt trust him at all. His daughter wont talk to him or see him. He has lost all respect with his friends and family. BUT, this is what he wanted.
Now I ask the question...WHY? Why is that what he wanted?
Take care....you are not the loser.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I don't think ANY of us here are losers at all Kissak. We're all doing what we need to do for ourselves and to show our kids how to stand for your family.
I know I know HOW to do all of it, I'm saying I don't know how (emotionally, mentally, whatever) to do it.
I can’t help wondering if the root of the problem is here.
Dar, you know it is best that you go NC with your H. better for him, it gives him room to breath, heal and maybe even miss you. It is better for you too, to get emotionally strong. It is better for your child as she has her mother’s full time attention rather than a mum worrying about her dad.
You know this and yet you still keep chasing him and contacting him.
I am wondering if you just can’t help yourself.
You know your behaviour isn’t healthy.
It seems like you are trying to control his life instead of your own. Make him love you and so then you won’t have to look at your self and the things that you may have done wrong.
Could you be addicted to your H?
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Nutty, I'm not like this from home at all. Once I'm home, I'm busy with fun stuff and the regular grind. However, it's here at work that I have computer access and a phone sitting right next to me that's my compulsion. NC from home is just fine and D has my full attention. Now, if I can find a job working from home I'd be all set with the area of NC.
As far as being addicted to H.... I'm more addicted to trying to show him I love him and know how wrong I was for the treatment he received from me. That's my addiction.
As far as being addicted to H.... I'm more addicted to trying to show him I love him and know how wrong I was for the treatment he received from me. That's my addiction.
Then you are doing everything for the wrong reasons.
You keep hoping that if you can just show him you are sorry then he will come running back.
If he told you tomorrow that he wanted a Divorce, and his mind was made up, would you still be sorry for the bad behavior?
Could you love him enough to let him go and be happy with his own life?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Hi BND, If H told me today that he wants a D and that's that, I know I will be fine. I've made it so far. I know I'll be sad, but at least I'd know instead of the back and forth. I am starting to (trying to) let him go so he can figure out life on his own, miss me, whatever. Pretty much for him to figure things out.
It is going to be difficult to break the habit when you are at work. You are surrounded by triggers to call him.
I don’t know what to suggest …
If it were me I would not log onto DBers when at work and try to focus on something else…. I know that is easier said than done when you are relying on the support here.
Give yourself a challenge each day not to call or e-mail him and reward yourself at the end of the day. (That is what I have done in the past)
If you make it 5 days solid, promise yourself that you will have a treat, a nice day out with your daughter.
You just have to get over the first few weeks and it will become easier.
It did for me anyway.
Instead of feeling bad about yourself and beating yourself up after you have called him you will start to feel proud of your strength and determination.
It is like an addiction, and you really need to treat it as such. It is easy for people to say don’t phone … but that is like saying to an alcoholic don’t drink. It isn’t that simple.
Also, it may be worth reading some stuff on co-dependency, it isn’t nice to read (I am a co-dependant person) But it made me realise why I wanted to fix my H and solve HIS problems in much the same way you are.
You said you treated your H badly. He allowed you to do it and when he couldn’t take it anymore he ran away. That is HIS problem he needs to sort it out. Please don’t think I am condoning your behaviour. You were wrong to belittle your H. You realise that now. But you can’t fix his hurt Dar, any more than I can fix my H problems. He will do it himself or he wont. That has to be his choice. He has to figure out why he allowed you to treat him badly and work through his pain in his own time.
In a way, being nice to him now is like an insult.
The change in you, must be confusing to him.
He must wonder which is the ‘real’ Dar.
Give him the space he needs to work through what happened between you.
Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
