UPDATE: I was off for a couple of days, had our son at my house. He wanted to talk to his mommy (something I NEVER deny him) so I called her but let HIM answer.

Their conversation went on for awhile...I was in the kitchen fixing dinner for the two of us. I hear him ask her "Do you love me, mommy?" Then "Do you love grandma?" Then "Do you love daddy?"

When I heard this, I ran over to him with the intention of taking the phone and telling my wife she didnt have to answer, but when I didnt hear her talking, I had assumed she hung up or something. Then, right as I was about to close the phone she says "Um...I like daddy...he's okay."

At that moment, my heart sank. I knew why there was a long pause....and I know she was thinking of a "nice" way to say "no".

I shouldnt have taken the phone from our son, but I guess I sorta panicked.

The next day, she called to talk to our son again. When they were done, I passed along some information to her from our daycare regarding our son. I couldnt help myself and asked "Let me ask you a question...when you have him...does he ever ask about daddy?" She said "yeah, sometimes he asks me where you are."

Then she added "You know, it's just going to take time for him to warm up to you."

I fought back tears (not very sucessfully) and told her "yeah, I know. I know he saw me acting like that. I cannot possibly tell you how ashamed I am that he saw me that way. I know it makes you mad when you hear me crying, but I deeply love our son...and its hurts me to know that he saw his daddy act like that."

She said "yeah."

I continued: "I'm not trying to minimize the horrible things that happened to YOU as a result of me being bipolar...not at all...but I'm just trying to be a good dad....trying to make up for the time I've lost with him that was stolen from me and him. I'm just SO ashamed of how I must have seemed to him. I know he was young, but I cannot believe that I resented my own son....all I can do now is show him that daddy is different now...I just hope I didnt scar him for life like the way my father scarred me."

she replied "We'll see. I hope not either."

I finished by saying: "You HAVE to believe me...I love my son. I just hope he can forgive me when he gets old enough to understand...and I hope YOU can find it in yourself to forgive me, too. I never wanted this...for any of us. I truly loved you...and still very much do....and I truly love our son, too."

She said "I understand."

I then simply told her to be careful on her way to work...and that I would be bringing our son to daycare today for her to pick him up. I asked if she would mind if I called him to tell him goodnight, and she replied "you know I'm not going to stand in the way of you talking to or seeing your son."

I thanked her profusely for being kind and for listening to my concerns and fears of trying to be the kind of dad I know I can be.

I knew having that conversation was dangerous. I've been talking to/texting her far too much lately. It was a real struggle today to stay off the phone with her, but I FORCED myself not to call her or text her.

I think her feelings are pretty clear by what she told our son....I just dont know what to do next. I've read DB cover to cover, but what do you do when your wife just does NOT love you anymore? I don't really think there is anything I CAN do...except learn to accept the situation and prepare for the inevitable...which will most certainly crush me even more.