probably too late, but I'll give it a shot

[picasso]

ok, I'll try to keep this brief:

W and I were together since 1995, married in 2001. She moved out in August of 2007, due to her saying I treated her like garbage (which I did, to be honest). I had been going to therapy for depresssion/anger management, and was referred to a psychologist for evaluation, at which time I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1.

Fast forward 8 months to present time. We have a 3 year-old son together. She moved into an apartment across town 7 months ago, I stayed in our home...her choice to do so.

At first, she asked me for "time and space" which I did not give to her. I constantly harassed her, begged, ect. I finally realized that the divorce was almost a sure-thing and decided I had to do something about my OWN life to make sure I could make it if it indeed came to pass. So I did. I forced myself to keep a neat/clean house, pay bills, run errands, etc...all the while taking various combinations of drugs to level-out my emotions which SERIOUSLY impacted my ability to remember things and made me a walking zombie other times.

More recently (past month or so) I have basically given up on trying to save our marriage, although I desperately pray every night for a miracle to happen. I have been giving her the time and space she keeps asking for. I only call her when I wish to speak to my son to tell him goodnight and that daddy loves him...then I speak to her for a few moments (smalltalk only) and to tell her to take care of herself.

We both work exactly opposite shifts at work (I am a nurse, she is a lab tech), so on the days I am off I have our son, and on the days she is off she has him.

Fact is, I am NOT as far along in "getting over her" as I thought I was, and that's because I still truly, deeply love my wife...and I dont WANT to get over her. I want to stay married.

Yes, it is completely true to say that I did some absolutely horrible things that I would NOT normally do. I neglected her, emotionally abused her, and generally treated her like crap....ALL things that I would take back in an instant if I could.

She has said that she definately sees changes in me since being diagnosed and on proper medication, but that she still sees some of the OLD me peek through now and then. In our last conversation, she said "I just wish you would see that I cannot take the risk of you acting that way again." I'm not sure how to translate that.

I have not hidden what I did to her. I am COMPLETELY honest and open about it....even the most horrible things i openly admit to....because i do not feel like the REAL me did them, but I totally understand that while it may have not been the real me that did them, it WAS the real her that I hurt. I have broken down in tears infront of her over what I must have done to her....I explained that I am deeply hurt by what she must have gone through watching the man she loved slowly degenerate into a hateful, abusive animal....and her not realizing that there was something very wrong with me. I do not want her to pity me, I just wish she could see the REAL me insted of the monster I became.

Still, I am left with this: I still very much love my wife...always have. The ability to show her this was STOLEN from me by bipolar disorder. Now that I am finally getting back to my old self again, I have come out the other side of the tunnel to realize that my wife is probably gone for good.

We still speak, and I try to be as supportive of her as I possibly can. I am friendly and kind to her. I can tell she TRIES to be nice to me, and for the most part, she is...but she keeps saying that the "damage is already done" and that "she cannot take that chance". I suggested counseling. We went once...she said she isn't going back b/c the counselor basically told her that her perception should change based on the fact that I have a medical issue....I cringed when she said that because I KNEW my wife wasn't interested in hearing it.

So....she has not yet filed for divorce, although I do not know why. In our state, there is a year wait during which time you must live apart, so she may simply be waiting for this time to be up. What can I possibly do during the remaning 100 days or so to improve the chances of us getting back together?

[picasso]

no replies? bummer.

I've been trying really, REALLY hard lately to detatch from her and let her realize what life would be REALLY like w/o me there to back her up...but I honestly think she's out having too much fun to care.

She goes on mini-vacations with her friend and our son on weekends that she has him, hangs out with her friends after work, etc.

I seem to be the one stuck at home wondering what to do next...struggling to hang on for one more day in the hopes that our marriage can be saved if I can only be patient enough to let her sort through her feelings and see me for who I truly am.

After 8 months of separation, I would think I would be better at letting go and being less of an emotional trainwreck. I'm just a guy that deeply loves his wife, realizes his mistakes, and is willing to do ANYTHING to save his marriage to the woman he has loved since he was a teenager.

I know....love is PATIENT, and I HAVE to be patient and continue to try and minimize contact with her...but is SO hard not to hear her sweet voice sometimes.

[cat03]

you are doing great, the problem is after all that has happen it will take a few months of her seeing the new you for her to even think there is a chance, she needs to see that the changes are here to say and is it not a ruse to get her back to the same ol same ol.

Try not to say home along, join a running group, work out (your body will thank you) or volunteer, fill your time and go on mini vacations too with your son.

If she stopped going to C I suggest you do, I was becoming unglued even as I detached and coped well during my separation, you need someone to talk to, do you also see a psychologist since you are on meds?

You don't have to minimize contact with her, just dont' overwhelm her, it is ok to call her if she is ok with it of course. Have you tried asking her for an outing as a family? something for for all 3 of you, the zoo, circus, some show.

[picasso]

thanks for the reply Cat. Yes, I see a p-doc reguarly.

I have asked her for a "family outing" before, her response was that we arent a family anymore.

I went out of my way to get her something from our son for mother's day today...and our son spoiled the surprise and gave it to her early (he's only 3 lol). She made a big deal over it with him. I also got her a simple card thanking her for going through what she went through (pregnancy) in order to bring our son into the world because I was grateful for her sacrifice.

She didnt even read the card, at least not while she was at my house.

Its starting to become clear, or she is faking it really well, that she just doesnt have any feelings left for me after what happened. I'm determined to hold on until its over, but it is getting increasingly discouraging. I'll send a text about our son, she sends a one-word reply...things like this.

I just cant tell if I am being tested, or if she really just doesnt care anymore at all.

[picasso]

Had a short phone conversation with the wife this afternoon. She brought up mother's day, so I figured it was a safe topic.

I told her over the phone that when I saw the look in her eyes...the way she looked in her eyes changed when she saw our son for the first time, I couldn't put it into words except to say it was a miracle. I actually SAW her change into a mother. It was the single greatest moment of my life.

I told her that I bragged to people about how I could actually SEE her change...I physically SAW it. It was like nothing I've ever seen, or will probably ever see again. In that instant, I saw the fire in her eyes...I saw what love REALLY is for the first time in my life.

She said that being a mother is the greatest thing in the world to her...and I told her that she should have no doubts, she is a fantastic mother to our son (and she really is). I also told her that I hope and pray that I can be as much of a father to him as she is a mother.

Again, she thanked me and said it meant alot.

I told her I realize I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but that the only thing worse than making a mistake is to repeat it...and I've been working VERY hard on being the best dad I can be.

She said she can see that our son means the world to me...but she still remembers a time when I obviously did not care about him.

It's true. At first, I actually resented him for some reason. I cannot explain why because I do not know. All I know is that I was not "normal", and it most certainly is NOT normal to resent your own child.

I told her that I have a lot of time to make up for, but that I was doing my best to make sure our son KNOWS his daddy loves him very, very much.

She let me talk to him on the phone for awhile. He's three, so his conversations are actually more like random thoughts that he has, but nonetheless, I love speaking to him. After a few minutes, he said "Want to talk to mommy?" I said "sure, kiddo...daddy loves you." His answer was "okay, daddy...I'm going to miss you."

I choked up....it was the first time he'd ever said that...and I was fighting tears when the wife picked up the phone.

I normally try to play strong and not let her see/hear my cry, etc, but i couldnt help it. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her that it was the first time he'd ever said that to me....that he would miss me. She didn't say anything...so I told her I had to go, asked her to be careful, and said goodbye.

I dunno if I blew it or not...I'm TRYING to be strong. If there IS a hope, it certainly won't be because she sees me as a broken man without her...it will be because she will see the REAL me..the guy she married. Not some over-emotional trainwreck.

[cat03]

Fight with all your might, that one day, no matter what happens, you have no regrets and you say to yourself "I did all I could and more".

I remember telling my T that I just couldn't stand the separation anymore (eons ago), and she asked me "what's your hurry, do you have a man waiting for you already?"

Feelings come and go, stand by your commitment and your changes, and God willing she will see the new man you are. Hang in there.

[picasso]

I have no choice but to stand by the "changes" I've made. I'm not really making any changes at all...I am merely recovering from bipolar disorder by staying on meds and seeking therapy...and becoming more aware of my thoughts/emotions.

I am the "old self" I always was. The change was me becomming more severely affected by bipolar disorder because I was not even aware I had it...therefore, I was not being treated and was getting worse.

I'm standing by my commitment. It is the only right thing to do at this point. I am still married and I took a vow to stand by her until its done. And no, there are no other women. Never were.

I pray every single night before I go to bed that God grants me the wisdom and will to keep up the "fight" for my marriage. I know he has a plan. They say God has a plan for all of us, I was just tired of being plan "b". Now I realize I just have to be patient, withdraw (with love), and continue to recover. If she decides to never come back, at least I will be a whole person again regardless.

Sometimes I really, really hate being bipolar. Then again, without it, I would NEVER have gotten to the point where I am right now....where I more completely understand my own emotions and thoughts than I ever have in my life.

[cat03]

Sometimes I really, really hate being bipolar. Then again, without it, I would NEVER have gotten to the point where I am right now....where I more completely understand my own emotions and thoughts than I ever have in my life.

and this is half the battle. So many newbies here are holding their breath and refusing to acknowledge the sitch as it is, resisting as a way to keep things the way they were.
Sometimes we only learn the hard way.

[picasso]

UPDATE: I was off for a couple of days, had our son at my house. He wanted to talk to his mommy (something I NEVER deny him) so I called her but let HIM answer.

Their conversation went on for awhile...I was in the kitchen fixing dinner for the two of us. I hear him ask her "Do you love me, mommy?" Then "Do you love grandma?" Then "Do you love daddy?"

When I heard this, I ran over to him with the intention of taking the phone and telling my wife she didnt have to answer, but when I didnt hear her talking, I had assumed she hung up or something. Then, right as I was about to close the phone she says "Um...I like daddy...he's okay."

At that moment, my heart sank. I knew why there was a long pause....and I know she was thinking of a "nice" way to say "no".

I shouldnt have taken the phone from our son, but I guess I sorta panicked.

The next day, she called to talk to our son again. When they were done, I passed along some information to her from our daycare regarding our son. I couldnt help myself and asked "Let me ask you a question...when you have him...does he ever ask about daddy?" She said "yeah, sometimes he asks me where you are."

Then she added "You know, it's just going to take time for him to warm up to you."

I fought back tears (not very sucessfully) and told her "yeah, I know. I know he saw me acting like that. I cannot possibly tell you how ashamed I am that he saw me that way. I know it makes you mad when you hear me crying, but I deeply love our son...and its hurts me to know that he saw his daddy act like that."

She said "yeah."

I continued: "I'm not trying to minimize the horrible things that happened to YOU as a result of me being bipolar...not at all...but I'm just trying to be a good dad....trying to make up for the time I've lost with him that was stolen from me and him. I'm just SO ashamed of how I must have seemed to him. I know he was young, but I cannot believe that I resented my own son....all I can do now is show him that daddy is different now...I just hope I didnt scar him for life like the way my father scarred me."

she replied "We'll see. I hope not either."

I finished by saying: "You HAVE to believe me...I love my son. I just hope he can forgive me when he gets old enough to understand...and I hope YOU can find it in yourself to forgive me, too. I never wanted this...for any of us. I truly loved you...and still very much do....and I truly love our son, too."

She said "I understand."

I then simply told her to be careful on her way to work...and that I would be bringing our son to daycare today for her to pick him up. I asked if she would mind if I called him to tell him goodnight, and she replied "you know I'm not going to stand in the way of you talking to or seeing your son."

I thanked her profusely for being kind and for listening to my concerns and fears of trying to be the kind of dad I know I can be.

I knew having that conversation was dangerous. I've been talking to/texting her far too much lately. It was a real struggle today to stay off the phone with her, but I FORCED myself not to call her or text her.

I think her feelings are pretty clear by what she told our son....I just dont know what to do next. I've read DB cover to cover, but what do you do when your wife just does NOT love you anymore? I don't really think there is anything I CAN do...except learn to accept the situation and prepare for the inevitable...which will most certainly crush me even more.