I'd just act like nothing happened. Let it go and move on...don't bring it up and DON'T apologize for your feelings either.
I keep getting all emotional about H having his new life of no responsibilities. In order to get my thoughts away from that I stop, take a big, deep breath, and pretend he's dead and left me no life insurance....now what do I do? I get strong, pretend he doesn't exist, and do it all myself. It's amazing how much strength we have in reserve that we don't even realize until we pull it forth through the grace of God.
Take care Treese. You'll get through this.
((((Treese))))
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
So today my D15 gave me a note that said she was not very happy today.....I work at the school she goes to so she can come in the office whenever she needs me...
She told me her dad left her a message last night and told her he missed her...I asked if she talked to him and she said no, she didn't want to....and then she said, "am I supposed to"....I explained to her that it is her relationship with her dad and she is to do what she feels she can do right now...she can't get over the fact that he is staying over night with OW while he is still leagally married....all he tells her is he is only married on paper and mom needs to quit fighting for him...yes, he told her this and told her he has a girlfriend blah, blah, blah....and he wonders why she doesn't want to speak to him....we were all raised Catholic and my daughter has a very strong faith like myself....
I just told her the devil has entered dads head....we just have to pray God can take over...
Anyway....H hasn't really talked to me much lately....really becoming increasingly distant....does that happen....or is it their way of telling you they're done....He isn't even interested in speaking to me....He has never called to talk to me or see how I was doing...Do they really not care, or is it the guilt and hearing your voice reminds them of what they are doing???
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I think that guilt plays a huge part in anyone's choices, regardless of MLC or not.
If they talk to you, and you wear your hurt and pain on your face or carry it in your voice, it is just a reminder.
Tree, I was rasied Catholic as well. I'm not telling you in any way shape or form how to raise your children, is telling you D that her father is listening to the devil (more or less)...is that wise? Will that bite you in the ass later? Reading that, it seemed like your daughter had to pick sides. God or the devil, mom or dad.
Yes what he is doing is wrong. And your daughter is one smart girl, she knows this, she doesn't have to have her hand held to be led to a decision. You did everything great, just the part about the devil entering her dad's head...that more or less made it so that there was only one choice she could responsibily make as a good Catholic.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack Yeah....I guess I didnt think I said it like that...only that her dad was not himself and so on....but I see how it could come across that way....Hmmmm.....I'll have to re think that one...I guess I was just trying to tell them to continue to pray for their dad in every way....darn it.....didn't mean to come across negative...
She was looking to me for permission to talk to her dad...and I told her it was her decision when she felt she could talk to him...I always tell my kids that their dad loves them...I know he does and I would never stand in the way of that.and I would NEVER make them pick sides...NEVER...my girls know how I feel about their dad...they know I want him home someday...
I guess I'm learning still....I mean we were such a close knit family and it has been torn apart...I'm being mom, dad, and everything in between...
I'll watch what I say...she did seem to feel better after we talked though...she smiled and I haven't seen her do that in a while...and she left me a not that said she loves me...
Thanks Jack
Terisa
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Well having a bad day....last night H was here fixing D21's brakes on her car....stayed until midnight....left...
Got up this morning internet was down...needed the grass cut, house was a mess....and I'm here to do it alone...grrrrrrrrr...I don't expect anything from H but what is starting to really tick me off is him having no responsibilities....he claims to love his children more than anything but doesn't offer to take them..not once in the 3 months he's been gone has he taken them overnight...he only sees them when it's convenient for him...
He left here at midnight and went straight to OW house overnight...how do they do it and feel good about it?? Doesn't he see that this is tearing my family apart?? I think I'm having a nervous breakdown...I am mom, dad, chauffer, servant, caretaker, house cleaner, launderer....you name it, I'm doing it..and all he has to do is get in his car, take money out and off he goes to OW house to screw her....without a care in the world...I know I'm complaining but I have to get it out before I blow up at him....I would love to chew him out but that will only prove his point to himself that he is happier without me...he already says he is....going in and having things done to his teeth now...so he doesn't have problems later..(What)..has time to work out, ride his motorcycle and just doesnt want to be married anymore...well,...........I need a break.....I'm exhausted....I'm scared....I'm lonely as heck....OW is living my dreams...the dreams me and H planned.....and I am sitting back and watching it unfold....
I WANT TO SCREAM........THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR....
sorry had to get it out again...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
It's good that you came here to vent. We all have and/or are traveling the same path that you are on. All of the responsibility tends to get "dumped" on the lbs when the spouse flies the coop.
How do they deal w/it? Well...I suspect that the compartmentalize the situation and shove it in the back of their minds once they are w/the op. That is, as long as they have things to occupy their minds and time, they block us out. Once they are alone, most likely night, the mind tends to wonder and that is when they are reminded of what they've done. Guilt will eat at them, but they are determined to stuff it down and not look at or admit what they've done. Unfortunately, it's going to take a long time for them, if ever, to admit that what they've done is wrong.
naej is right--it will get better in time. It sucks, but please try to enjoy your special day w/your children.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well H was just here gathering tools...said it was to do something at work...I think he's taking stuff out little by little to not look as bad to the kids...
And I need some of that stuff....and he has nowhere to store it except for OW house...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I just read your post on yellowrose, IT'S NOT YOU!!!!! I thought the same thing when my H told me he wanted a D! Don't be afraid, my H filed the next week after he said he wanted the D. I had to do lots of snooping but found out about OW in another state. My D is final now as of April 8th, H quit his excellent job & moved to the other state with OW. I know it is a MLC but I really haven't given up on him, for some reason I can't.
I guess I should but I'm so lonely & miss him so bad!!!! We were so close. If you want to read my thread, I was on newcomers for a long time & that's where you will find out about my sitch. Read the part where the OW sent me an email thanking me for my H!!!!!
Hang in there, I'm having these very hard days & nights too. I don't sleep but stay in bed for a long time in the mornings. I'm with you girl!!!
I tell you, I relied very heavily on friends in ways I had not done previously, when I was feeling really down. And my true friends really stepped up for me. Both women and men, in different ways. Is there someone you can confide in and get some practical support from? Like grass cutting or car pooling or whatever. Just something to ease the burden a little?
About your 15-yr old; I like what Jack had to say. It's unfortunate for the younguns. But you wouldn't want to force the choice. If I had a 15 yr old I would probably be saying things like, look , you will only ever have one father and mother. And both of them will do things you don't like at different times. Just like you will do things they don't like. But they're still family. You don't have to love them all the time, it's ok to be angry at them. But not forever, please?
looking back, my wife was angry at her father for all of her teenage years. Her parents divorced when she was 6 (guess what! my youngest daughte is now 6 yrs old). I would guess, but I have no way of knowing, that W's mother demonized W's father. My wife hated her father, though it was her mother who had the affair and refused to reconcile.
That's no way for a young girl to be - hating one of her parents. Actually I think that distress contributed to W's propensity to do what she's currently doing.
Of course your daughtger is 15, so she will make her own judgments, and they must be respected. But I'd hope that she would also consider that people are imperfect.
