I know EXACTLY how you feel LMG, about the "going to MC but not actually going to MC." I spoke to my individual counselor about my experience and she used a curious word that I thought was just perfect - my wife was "observing", as opposed to participating in couples counseling.
And that's exactly what it was. BUT, I cannot really fault her specifically for that, because she was OBSERVING in our marriage, too. her behavior in marriage counseling was consistent with her behavior from the rest of our life together. Jack3Beans asked me - do I or do I not believe in MLC as a mental health phenomenon? And I do. Which means - what can I say about her observing when our marriage needed her to participate? Not much. She was not up to it. It was a consequence of her mental health event.
Nothing you or I can do about it. "LMG, we did go to counseling. We went for months." What can you say to that? It's just more mumbo jumbo. Like he had an escape planned long ago, and he was just going through the motions so he could eventually make his getaway. MLC boulderdash.
Sorry I don't have any good ideas on how to handle the delivery of the message to your daughter. One thing my individual counselor told me - is that the concerns of kids that age are generally "shallow" and immediate. Will I get to keep my room? Will we have to move? Will I have to change schools? Will I keep my friends? That kind of thing. And so any re-assurance you can provide on those things, and any extra stability you can guarantee there, will be helpful.
I am mind-reading my wife here, and I know that's a no-no, but.... when she thinks of divorce I think she thinks she will be away from me. I will no longer be in her life and she will be free of whatever shackles I represent. It's a near-term, get-me-outta-here thing. Feels like it to me. When I think of the impact of divorce, I think of all the family summer vacations that won't happen; all the prom dates I won't wave to with my arm around my wife; all the graduations and awards ceremonies we won't proudly attend next to each other; all the science fairs and english papers we won't talk through with the kids together. I am missing what I remember from my childhood. I also think of the financial stress over the long term - two households means less disposable income, less comfort.
But I think kids of 9 or 10 or 11 don't think like that. They worry about what's going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month. Stability in that regard, is what they need.
