W and I piecing this M back together #2

[sandi2]

Lan, yes to make the peace treaty with yourself has to come first and I didn't mean to have sex every day, but what I was getting at was to stop trying so hard to not mess up and walking around on those egg shells and try to relax around each other. I think she is doing the same thing.

In wartime, (well, some wars), both sides would agree to not fight on Christmas Day. It wasn't that they sat down and talked it all out and agreed about everything, b/c the day after Christmas....they would pick the war right back up where it left off. But, they agreed to stop the fighting for that one day of peace for the sake of Christmas and what it stood for. (Now, if you are Jewish, I don't mean for this to be offensive, just trying to make a point.) I suppose that was sort of what I was trying to say in your case. To just agree to try to relax at least for a while around each other and see if you can feel more like your natural selves again. I would not talk R. That would be a killer. (Don't know that this was a very good anology....but hope you get my meaning.)

I think the most likely thing is for me to make a piece treaty with myself, stop thinking negative thoughts, I think I have got a big incentive to do that now as I can feel W's commitment, that is definitely something I needed feel. I think I need to let go of the need to feel her remorse or get an apology

Yes, I agree. I also think one of the most healing factors for you at this time is that last statement you made. You....Lan...for your own sake...need to turn loose of the idea of your W coming to you being all remorseful and giving her apology. It may come some day a long time down the road.....and it may never come. That is part of the WAW "thing" that is hard to explain. I am one of those WAS's and I have a hard time explaining it. It doesn't come out very well when I try to explain it. I got in a mess the last time I tried it on the board.....so I kind of stay away from that topic.

May I give you something to think about, if you don't mind me bringing some......."Bible Doctrine" into this. We are taught to forgive those that hurt us and have done really bad things to us. The point of forgiveness, is for you. It is not b/c she deserves it or asked for it or has tried to earn it. She may or may not "deserve" to ever be forgiven. However, that is not what true forgiveness is all about. True forgiveness is not based on her....it is based on you and it is for you! And....forgiveness does not mean it is forever wiped from you mind...I think only God has the power to do that when He forgives us....but in time we can stop dwelling on the issue that haunts us. The act of forgiving is up to you, the one that has been done wrong.....not whether or not the other person has apologized or felt remorseful for their wrong doing. That is the way the Lord forgives us. We don't deserve it. We can't earn it. But, He does it b/c of Who and What He is.....not us. Therefore, Lan, your forgiveness for your W is based on who and what Lan is as a man......not on who the W is or what she has done or if she deserves Lan's forgiveness, or ever tries to get his forgivness...or if she ever apologizes or feels remorseful. (I think I've repeated some of this, but just trying to make sure I get the point across that I'm trying to make.)

Does any of that make sense? Those are my words and they actually equal to what you said when you talked about a peace treaty with yourself. That's where it needs to start, sweetie.

Take care,

Sandi

P.S. After reading this, I wanted to add one more thing about forgiveness......it has to be an act of your "will" in the beginning b/c you may not have the "feeling" in your heart. By that, you just have to do it "on purpose" anyway and when those moments come up that you have to remind yourself that you forgive her .....and you may have to do it all over several times before it finally stops the haunting and tormenting of your heart. Ok, I'll stop for now. Stay strong, Lan. Love ya, friend.