WAW's-When does the anger subside???????

[smartcookie]

Sir, this is good, this is really really good. It didn't strike me the way you may have intended. But it is a HUGE "aha" moment for me. I had never looked at anger or pain as anything constructive but the moment you said it was there to tell me to make a change, it all fell into place. I'm really glad you took the time to reply. This is good.

<<The pain is there to tell you to make a change.

You're right. Because I had laid down & become a doormat for H's abuse, I had to get angry enough to stand up & insist he treat me better.

<<Is it helping? Is the pain helping you?

As of 5 minutes ago, now that I see it this way, I think it may be. (I know this isn't how you meant it, but hang with me a minute) I think the pain/anger reminds me that I will never again be a doormat. I will never again let anyone abuse me in anyway.

<<now, where does anger help you if you stay together?

It won't help in the long term. But, (believe it or not) I have a very tender soft heart, & usually will put my needs to the side for someone else's. I think the anger (for now) keeps me focused on my emotional & survival needs. See, before I got really good & pissed off, I felt like I was dying here. I don't feel that way anymore.

<<Have you considered anger management therapy?

yep, in therapy now, we talk about it every week.

<< have you gone to the library to check out books on how to get past the anger?

yep, love the local library.

<<Have you spoken to friends about this challenge of yours? Counselors? Your pastor? Your mom?

no.

<<You see the anger is an obstacle to progress for your relationship

perhaps. If I beat him with it, yes. If I use it as a reminder to not let things go back like they were, then maybe it will aide our progress.

<<Two possibilities - either there WAS nothing good, or your anger is blocking all good feeling. How do you know what is right?

That's a really long answer for my thread. I'll explain (sometime) how our relationship progressed in yearly chunks. Or better yet, what I did to cope while hoping it would get better.

<<I'm not saying you don't have "a right" to be angry. But does it get you what you want?

Maybe in the long term, it does. We'll see.