Today, I am really questioning whether or not to keep DBing this M. I agree that "DBing is for life", however, as far as my M goes.....I just don't know. I DO know that I have a choice to make though.
I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not even frustrated. Just really thinking about things.
My H is an exhausted, grumpy, depressed, angry individual. I cannot change him, I cannot help him, no matter how much I "act as if". No matter how upbeat, positive, cheery I am. I can try making small talk, but he doesn't bother to look at me nor will he even reply most of the time. He only 'talks' to me when he wants to vent about something.
My way of doing things are just "wrong" in his eyes. Example: Today. When leaving to pick up my sons from school, I like to go early. I will leave the house 20 - 30 minutes before they get out. The school is only 5 minutes away, but this is my routine. I like to get there before the parking lot gets crowded (exiting is ALWAYS easier than entering ). I will read a book or just watch over S3 while he plays with his toys or is on the playground until school's out for the day. Seems alright, doesn't it?
Well, H doesn't think it is. "OMG! You really have to go this early?!!! School doesn't get out for another 20(+) minutes! It's such a f***ing waste of time!"
*Sigh*....I see his point, but when is enough enough? I think I'm willing and CAN accept how he is....Why can't he try to do the same with/for me? Why do I feel like I have to change nearly everything to make him somewhat happy, that the way I do things is "ridiculous", "stupid", "wrong", "a waste of time"?
After his LOUD, uncaring remark, I said to him CALMLY, "I'm sorry if you don't agree with it, but this is what I have always done. It's my routine." Then I added (which I probably shouldn't have), "When will you realize that everything isn't going to always happen your way?" With his eyebrows scrunched together, he said, "It's a waste of time."
Sooo....he didn't "hear" me. This is just another thing for him to dislike about me. Another negative for him to focus on.
If he doesn't like what he sees, he will say so, and he is never "gentle" about it. Never.
Anyway, another thing. He put his dirty laundry on the laundry room floor. The same dirty laundry he didn't want me to wash for him the other day. Before he left today, he told me that he put it there and plans on doing it tomorrow himself. He still doesn't want me to do it for him.
Ok......but I'm gonna do it anyway. Maybe it'll at least get me a "thank you" and make me feel like I actually did something good.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
). I will read a book or just watch over S3 while he plays with his toys or is on the playground until school's out for the day. Seems alright, doesn't it?
