Hello All, I am new. My H and I have been separated for about 7 months, and I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. One day I am up, the next down. During the day it is not so bad, I am at work and have a very busy job. It is the nights that are the hardest, especially if I have spoken with my H.
We did not speak for the first three months of our separation very often, maybe once a week. After the holidays, he called me to tell me he was sorry for everything, but the subject of reconciling did not come up. I have made all the mistakes, begging, sobbing, pleading, begging some more, telling him that I know he still loves me, that I still love him, and nothing has worked. I stopped doing it about 6 weeks ago. But I also notice that he still calls, especially if he has not heard from me. It is for minor things, finances, taxes, but if he has a particularly hard day at his new job, I am the first person he calls. He is always the first person I want to call, but I try not to so much.
My question is this...how do you know if a reconciliation is possible? My gut instinct is that we will be okay. But then sometimes it hits me so hard it knocks the wind out of me. Like I said, nighttime is the worst...
I hope someone can give me some advice on what I need to do. Thanks.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hey Lola! Someone will answer. Sometimes it takes a while for a person who feels connected enough with your situation to find you. Of you look around at other threads, and see a situation that sounds familiar, you can jump in and post there, and invite people to your thread, too. Sometimes that gets you some posters sooner.
I think you have realized the big thing, that the crying, begging, and pleading were not helping. I think it is a good thing that he is contacting you, and that you are the first person he calls.
If you could post a little bit more about yourself (ages, kids, length of marriage, for example) and how things came to this point, it will help people understand your situation, so that they can make useful posts to you.
Thanks {{Jeff}}. I was beginning to feel a little lost...thanks for responding.
We have no children together. Mine are 23, 21 and 12, only one left at home. We have been married for 2 years (yes, I know, not long. I get that alot and no I don't want to give up). We have both been married twice before. He doesn't have any children of his own.
My oldest daughter had long since moved out of the house, gotten married and started a family of her own. My middle daughter, 18 when we got married, did not take the marriage well. It was fine before we were married, they got along great. After we got married, she became withdrawn, distant, cold, and manipulative. I tried everything I could think of to talk to her, make time to spend with her, but it seemed the harder I tried, the worse she treated him. She eventually moved out, but that was where the damage began. I tried to get in the middle and play peacemaker, and both my husband and daughter ended up feeling completely neglected. In the meantime, I was pulling my hair out trying to find out what I was doing wrong.
Things were really good between us up until the last two months we were together. I thought he just needed space, but it turned out he had struck up a conversation with another woman at work. Seemed she was also going through rough times in her marriage. Although it never amounted to anything, and he has since cut ties and found another job, it was devastating to know he had an emotional relationship with this woman. He swears it has nothing to do with our separation. I think it has everything to do with it.
At any rate, the separation came when my middle daughter basically ran away, got married, and is now due to give birth to a baby girl. I so wanted her to finish college, and we tried to give her every opportunity. Yes, I know, she is grown and can make her own decisions, but I so wanted things to be different. He took it very hard when she told me she was pregnant because I took it hard, and said he just couldn't handle it anymore.
By the way, as we speak, she is going through the beginning stages of labor. I am now excited at the prospect of a little baby granddaughter...
That was seven months ago. Like I said before...I have gone through a whole range of emotions that I cannot even begin to imagine. I have realized that I cannot make everyone happy...or save everyone. Its just not my job. I have said the serenity prayer over in my mind until I finally figured out the only person I can change is me.
In the meantime, I know that I am always supposed to be upbeat on the phone, but I Have to be honest, sometimes I just don't feel like it. I want him to know I am hurt, and that I love him, and that I miss him. Is that wrong?
And, as shown by this posting, my mind goes in a million different directions at once. Sometimes its difficult just to get one thought straight. If I wasn't on AD, I truly think I would have had a breakdown.
So any advice or comments would be most welcome, but if you are going to tell me I haven't been married long enough to worry about it, then forget it. I have heard that one. I am committed.
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I don't think anyone is going to tell you you haven't been married long enough. Don't worry about that.
I can imagine that the relationship between your H and your D could have been really hard on you, and your relationship to your H. Others here wil lhave a lot more perspective into that, having lived it.
I'm kind of thinking out loud here, do you know much about the circumstances of his previous marriages? Maybe there are clues there. Or, from you previous marriages, for that matter. I'm just looking for snippets of insight.
Right not it seems pretty clear that space is what he needs, and it strikes me that it is helping. I'm sure he knows that you are hurt, and love him, and miss him. Remember the crying and begging? He knows! By being kind, and listending, and validating when he talks to you, you are reinforcing that, as well.
The first marriage ended in divorce after seven years when he came home early from a military exercise to find his first wife in bed with her ex boyfriend. Yeah, I'll say no more,
The second marriage ended when his second wife kept insisting that if he didn't do things for her, buy her expensive gifts, have a baby, she would have him deported back to Germany. Then she beat him up, throwing office equipment at his head. Kicked him in front of the police, who stood by and did nothing. I have met this one. Not a nice person. When they got divorced, they told the judge they were going to try to have him deported, and the judge informed her that he already had permanent resident status. In the meantime, she left him with ALL of the marital debt. That is what I walked into.
My first husband was an abusive druggie. The second was controlling, but we were married for 10 years. I went through two years of counseling after that to try to figure out what I did wrong.
It turns out I am a "saver". I want to save the world. The only problem is I am not Superwoman capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I fall on my face.
Ultimately, this is my biggest problem. I have had to let go and let him fall on his face, and I hate doing that. I suppose it is a bit of a control issue on my part, I just want to make everyone happy. Of course, in the meantime, I am driving myself nuts.
And I think he is trying to find himself, and I know I can't help. He has to be free to do that on his own. All I can do is be supportive.
I am a generally upbeat, happy person. I think, though, when I got fired from my job four months before the split, and couldn't find another for four months, I sunk into a depressive spiral that I couldn't pull out of, and he couldn't do anything to make me feel better. That coupled with the problems with my D really put us through the wringer.
I have found that by finding myself, it is giving me the strength to deal with this, but I just miss him so much...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
You are making a lot of sense. And it sounds like you really understand a lot about how you got here. So, that's got to be a good thing.
You also seem to understand that he is going through something that you can't help him with, so that's another good thing.
I'm thinking the thing you need to do now is to take better care of you. Get a Life, as they say. Work on your outlook, so that instead of acting happy, you'll be happy. It will help to attract him back to you.
I was thinking anthills...lol. Thanks. I have been trying to make sure that I take care of myself, have alot of great friends, and still have a 12 year old D at home. I joined a great church and find alot of comfort there, and am getting ready to do some more counseling. Sometimes, though, its so frustrating to hear " I just think your having false hope and dont understand why you dont walk away." I try not to talk to these peoople too much.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well, you are smart enough to know that there is no guarantee of anything. But, I think the fact that he contacts you a lot means it is not false hope.
We'll see what anyone else has to say, but I think some time, which of course means patience, is pretty high on the list.
This I know. But I also know I cannot just walk away. I have learned a great lesson in patience, believe me...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
