The Emotional Rollercoaster

[LolaL]

The first marriage ended in divorce after seven years when he came home early from a military exercise to find his first wife in bed with her ex boyfriend. Yeah, I'll say no more,

The second marriage ended when his second wife kept insisting that if he didn't do things for her, buy her expensive gifts, have a baby, she would have him deported back to Germany. Then she beat him up, throwing office equipment at his head. Kicked him in front of the police, who stood by and did nothing. I have met this one. Not a nice person. When they got divorced, they told the judge they were going to try to have him deported, and the judge informed her that he already had permanent resident status. In the meantime, she left him with ALL of the marital debt. That is what I walked into.

My first husband was an abusive druggie. The second was controlling, but we were married for 10 years. I went through two years of counseling after that to try to figure out what I did wrong.

It turns out I am a "saver". I want to save the world. The only problem is I am not Superwoman capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I fall on my face.

Ultimately, this is my biggest problem. I have had to let go and let him fall on his face, and I hate doing that. I suppose it is a bit of a control issue on my part, I just want to make everyone happy. Of course, in the meantime, I am driving myself nuts.

And I think he is trying to find himself, and I know I can't help. He has to be free to do that on his own. All I can do is be supportive.

I am a generally upbeat, happy person. I think, though, when I got fired from my job four months before the split, and couldn't find another for four months, I sunk into a depressive spiral that I couldn't pull out of, and he couldn't do anything to make me feel better. That coupled with the problems with my D really put us through the wringer.

I have found that by finding myself, it is giving me the strength to deal with this, but I just miss him so much...