There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

thanks to all for your words of advice and encouragement. I want to caution everyone...I know you are all really hopeful for me, but remember, this is just testing the waters at this point. lets not get ahead of ourselves. nikki, I don't mind (and hi, btw!), but I'm especially wary of giving any newcomers false hope. not yet...maybe not ever.

yes, I am far healthier/stronger than I was in the beginning. its a long road and I'll be very upfront and say I wouldn't be where I am now without my outstanding therapist. I wouldn't. I've been with her over a year now and she is very much credited with my growth. as am I...I worked hard to get here. but I wouldn't be here without her.

Tom, I like what you are saying, about giving him the wheel and letting him drive the reconciliation. I need to do that, if/when we get to that point. right now we are NOT there. we are at a crossroads yet again, we are where the fog is lifting, but that is about HIM, not ME, and not US. I see that all very clearly.

and yet I'll admit, I am hopeful.

and I'll admit I am fearful...for both possible outcomes.

Time will tell.

and I know very well that I do have my own choices here. it is not all in his control or at his will. and instead of leading him like a child, I will let him figure it out as a man. he's been led too many times. he'll either get there on his own, like I had to, or he won't get there at all. I will be there to support him, because i do love him still, but I will not do it for him.

make sense?

does to me, anyway.

thanks again for all the support. it means a lot to me.

oh, and since I have decided I am neglecting myself far too much, I scheduled a facial for tomorrow...bliss. and a pedi for tuesday. the kids (via h) gave me a gift cert for a day spa, so putting it to good use already. and boy do I need it!

h is coming in a bit to see the kids, and I'm off to the gym. need to clear my mind. much like cat is saying based on her experience, this could all very easily swing in the other direction. very easily. I know that and am keeping myself in check (trying to). stepping back, giving him space, not pushing, keeping on with my own life. that is all I can do.