Man, this forum will be my conscience for sure and my accountability partner. I chickened out telling H about the letter so far. He made his list and showed me and one of the things on there was to tell him if the OM contacted me. So, I know I will tell him. Problem is he also said he wanted to know whenever I had feelings for the OM, etc. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO ABOUT THAT????!!!! I would have to tell him I think about the OM every day. So, I decided to wait so I can get some input from y'all first. When I show him the letter, it will hurt him, and I'm pretty sure he will want to read it. When he reads it he will know how deep we had become. He will then ask if I have feelings for OM, etc. I don't know what to do here. Somewhere along the line, I don't want to lie but I also do not want to sabotage any chance of us having the chance to get through this. I know my H and it took him 12 years together and an affair to finally show love to me. I do NOT want to stop this. My thought is to tell him I got the letter, that it was involved and talked about trying to win back my love and trust, I knew I had to contact OM so he knew what was up, that I told him I am back with H, and I burned the letter. Can I say that? Please?
Man, this forum will be my conscience for sure and my accountability partner. I chickened out telling H about the letter so far. He made his list and showed me and one of the things on there was to tell him if the OM contacted me. So, I know I will tell him. Problem is he also said he wanted to know whenever I had feelings for the OM, etc. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO ABOUT THAT????!!!! I would have to tell him I think about the OM every day. So, I decided to wait so I can get some input from y'all first. When I show him the letter, it will hurt him, and I'm pretty sure he will want to read it. When he reads it he will know how deep we had become. He will then ask if I have feelings for OM, etc. I don't know what to do here. Somewhere along the line, I don't want to lie but I also do not want to sabotage any chance of us having the chance to get through this. I know my H and it took him 12 years together and an affair to finally show love to me. I do NOT want to stop this. My thought is to tell him I got the letter, that it was involved and talked about trying to win back my love and trust, I knew I had to contact OM so he knew what was up, that I told him I am back with H, and I burned the letter. Can I say that? Please?
No. Tell him the truth. Maybe he won't ask to see the letter, but if he does, show it to him. It's a slippery slope when you start hiding things from him or lying to him; that's exactly what you're trying to re-build!!!
If he asks you if you still have feelings, say "Honestly, yes, but I don't want to, and they're growing fainter and fainter every day. I look forward to the day when they're gone completely. I love you!"
OK, building trust is a mother f*****. He will never look at me the same again after reading this letter. I hope to God he won't want to. Thanks for the words to say. I needed them.
I would put the letter in a sealed envelope and give it to him, telling him what it is. I would tell him my fears concerning his reading the letter, and ask him to consider that before deciding whether or not to read it. But the letter is his. You won't hide it or anything else from him.
As for asking for constant accounting of thoughts of OM. I thought the whole point was to forget OM. I would say, I am trying to forget him. I don't think it is good for us to dwell on him. Can we hold off on this til after Retrouvaille? If they tell us that is a good thing to do, then I'll do it. In the meantime, it gives me a month or two to just put it out of my mind.
I haven't shared the fact that I think about the OM a lot and that I'm sad. I think that it would not help us. If he thinks I still think about the OM, he will think I don't love him. He will assume I love the OM. I don't think he will want to know that I need to forget him. He knows I told him I loved him. He knows that much. I just kept saying that I wanted to be with HIM, not the OM and that is why I am here with him now. No matter what I did, and what I said, I am here with him....NOT with the OM.
I would put the letter in a sealed envelope and give it to him, telling him what it is. I would tell him my fears concerning his reading the letter, and ask him to consider that before deciding whether or not to read it. But the letter is his. You won't hide it or anything else from him.
I think that is a GREAT idea.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
He knows I told him I loved him. He knows that much. I just kept saying that I wanted to be with HIM, not the OM and that is why I am here with him now. No matter what I did, and what I said, I am here with him....NOT with the OM.
Ok, he heard you say it, but now he needs for you to show him that you meant what you said.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages" (5LL) by Gary Chapman?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Didi, Not being in your shoes it is hard to see that the OP becomes an addiction. This is what I have read so many times. I think like any other addiction it is something you have to try to overcome. I think as long as you are honest and let your H know that yes, you do still have feelings for the OM, but you are trying hard to get past them things will improve. Yes, it will be heartwrenching for you H to know this, but I think you have to to be honest with him.
I have a question for you. Before you decided to try to work things out with your H what were your feelings on any attempt of reconciliation with your H? So many different authors have different ideas. I'm going to list some of them let us all know your feelings on them.
These are from the LBS point of view:
1. They try to tell you how much they love you and you are destroying the marriage. In essence they are trying to lay a guilt trip on you.
2. The GAL method. THey are trying to be a better person not only for the WAS, but also themselves. The LBS is friendly and nice without making any demands on you. They wait for the addiction to subside. Patience is the key.
3. The tough love method. The LBS tells you that you must choose between them or the OP or they will leave.
Could you tell everyone what made you decide to go back to your H? Your point of view is important to everyone.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
