WOW, Sally!! I'm just sitting here letting it all sink in. Still trying to get over the idea that the grass isn't greener in OW's yard. How could that really be?
Just remember who has the power now. You do. Don't give it up easily. Make demands on him. If you welcome him back with open arms, he stays in control. You have to force him to change. To be the better person. He has a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately, as a mother, sometimes you not only have to raise your children, but you also have to bring your husband fully into adulthood.
I'm glad to see that you are receiving the apology from him regardless of what the future may hold. You deserved at least that respect from him.
Mine gave me the reconciliation gesture, but it was somewhat insincere, without any apologies, and without regard to the work that would be involved in the process.
Maybe he has had a revelation. As we all know, people can and do change. No reason you can't give him the benefit of the doubt right now. As you said, you'll be OK either way.
Give him the wheel and let him drive the reconciliation. Keep your expectations in check and take your time reacquainting yourself with him. Actions do speak louder than words and you'll know how sincere he is astimegoeson.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I told my therapist yesterday that I feel like I deserve someone better, but she rightly pointed out what I am really saying is I deserve someone healthier. and I do. and I do hope he can be that person.
I sure hope so, too, for all of you...and think of how much better prepared you are to deal with this (no matter how things turn out) than you were at the beginning of this whole journey.
Sending every positive thought your way for true healing and renewal...
OMG Sally I am SO excited for you. What a wonderful update. Especially that part about being OK no matter what, and knowing what YOU NEED if he's going to earn his way back.
What an incredible conversation, and wow that apology had to feel wonderful.
YAY Sally!!!
Oh yeah.. if you do reconcile... you lose SOOO much closet and dresser drawer space.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
she would be devastated, it would kill her (his words) if he went back to me.
boy, have I heard that a million times. Guilt drew my stbx over and over and over again, despite the fact he KNEW and everyone around him told him she was toxic and to get the heck out of her life. He said it was over, but kept calling her. So please please be careful, I got a few positive talks with stbx earlier this year and last christmas, he put up a front admitting ow was bad for him.
Bottom lines, more actions less words from him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Sally - hope you don't mind, I posted your thread to a few friends in Newcomers that I've been following.
I am so totally impressed with the change in you - reading your post today vs. the ones when you first got here. It's truly like reading a post from a whole different person. A very strong, happy, healthy person with such a bright future ahead of her!
I know this is true for sooo many over her in Surviving but I think your post stands out to me since I posted to you so early on and had lost track of you for awhile. Thanks in advance for inspiring those Newcomers once they get caught up on you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
You are so strong. Listen to what Sara says. If it's going to go back together do it right......actually I don't know why I am saying that.......I know you will.
You have made my day today
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
thanks to all for your words of advice and encouragement. I want to caution everyone...I know you are all really hopeful for me, but remember, this is just testing the waters at this point. lets not get ahead of ourselves. nikki, I don't mind (and hi, btw!), but I'm especially wary of giving any newcomers false hope. not yet...maybe not ever.
yes, I am far healthier/stronger than I was in the beginning. its a long road and I'll be very upfront and say I wouldn't be where I am now without my outstanding therapist. I wouldn't. I've been with her over a year now and she is very much credited with my growth. as am I...I worked hard to get here. but I wouldn't be here without her.
Tom, I like what you are saying, about giving him the wheel and letting him drive the reconciliation. I need to do that, if/when we get to that point. right now we are NOT there. we are at a crossroads yet again, we are where the fog is lifting, but that is about HIM, not ME, and not US. I see that all very clearly.
and yet I'll admit, I am hopeful.
and I'll admit I am fearful...for both possible outcomes.
Time will tell.
and I know very well that I do have my own choices here. it is not all in his control or at his will. and instead of leading him like a child, I will let him figure it out as a man. he's been led too many times. he'll either get there on his own, like I had to, or he won't get there at all. I will be there to support him, because i do love him still, but I will not do it for him.
make sense?
does to me, anyway.
thanks again for all the support. it means a lot to me.
oh, and since I have decided I am neglecting myself far too much, I scheduled a facial for tomorrow...bliss. and a pedi for tuesday. the kids (via h) gave me a gift cert for a day spa, so putting it to good use already. and boy do I need it!
h is coming in a bit to see the kids, and I'm off to the gym. need to clear my mind. much like cat is saying based on her experience, this could all very easily swing in the other direction. very easily. I know that and am keeping myself in check (trying to). stepping back, giving him space, not pushing, keeping on with my own life. that is all I can do.
Last edited by SallyM; 05/14/0808:55 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Your H would be a VERY lucky man to be able to 'win' you back.
As you are obviously aware, the piecing journey is not such an easy one. Too many seem to go into it walking on eggshells, which IMO is not a good way to be. Rebuilding trust and confidence is so very hard to do and needs BOTH parties to be open and fully committed.
The way you have grown shows that you will be fine WHATEVER your H does. Your children are SO lucky to have you and whatever else comes out of this situation, it would seem that your H realises how lucky they are to have you too. Regardless of reconciliation, I am glad that he is able to talk to you about what happened and own his part in it. Hopefully that brings SOME sort of closure.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I've been cautious when steering newcomers over to note how long it's been, that YOU are now unsure, and that the main reason I'm recommending they read your posts is to see your strength and how far you've come. Hopefully that takes care of the "false hope" angle.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
