Stbx approved the SA, we'll sign off tomorrow, next day I refinance home and pay him off, so at least that's a good thing.
S9 still doesnt' understand about D, asking me if we'll go camping together, I try to tell him again that we can't do things together anymore, he asks me why dad and me can't get along.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, damn it, it took all my might not to burst out crying, and I said what I wasn't supposed to say, but damn it, I'm not going to let my son grow up thinking I didnt' try hard to keep us together. I told him that it wasnt' my choice, that I didnt' want things to happen this way, that his dad wants to llive apart (a while ago I also chalked it up to depression when we had a similar talk) I told him we still would have fun and were still a family, his sister him and me, that we had good times... and that's when my voice broke and I turned away, he asked me if I was crying, I didnt' respond until I felt better, I just changed the subject. Ok, so I shouldn't teach him to repress his feelings, but I didnt' trust myself, I was afraid I was going to sob hard.
Stbx talked to me today about taxes, trip with s9, etc etc. After he hanged up out of the blue I remembered the Vday fiasco, my impromptu dinner and his cruise with ow, how all the while he'd tell me he was barely talking to her when they were pretty much living together... and I wanted to sob. Ok, it is rock bottom time I guess, time to let out all the emotions out of me. Felt angry enough to go home and burn whatever valuable crap he has left.
Trying hard to count my blessings, the picts from the China earthquake reminded me of the greater suffering going on there, the pict of the mom looking through children's corpses trying to find her child got to me the most, God give those poor people solace and strenght.
Welcome to my pity party, have some cheese.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
