Ready for the long ride.

[LucasE]

Ouch. Sometimes the hurt is as bad as ever. I never really cried in my life before. Now I know what I sound like when I cry. I used to hope that W would see me crying as I drove by her favorite Starbucks before I learned that it would only hurt the situation. Here I am six months later, with weeks worth of positive, constructive DB in practice and I still feel as lost as ever. W is still checked out. Ouch.

I felt good yesterday.

I have been working so hard at hiding my hurt feelings that I am afraid I am hiding all feelings and that W will continue to consider me distant.

I felt good yesterday. This is making me crazy. I'm not superman. What if I am not worthy enough to make it to the other side?

[cat03]

you are doing so well Lucas, the occasional setback is bound to happen, but over all you are doing great)))))))))

[Marcum]

indeeed my friend. in a way the sadness is a way of expressing your love. your in morning right now. its ok. just dont let her see you morning.

[LucasE]

Thank you cat03 and Marcum. I really appreciate your words. My C helped me see that nothing has changed for a while and that that is good for now. It isn't getting worse. Holding steady, or in other words, in limbo. Well, a painful limbo. How does she do it? How did she flip off that switch? I wish I could switch off for a while. One huge fear that has been surfacing in my mind has been, what if she really wasn't ever happy in our M like she claims? What if these last 15 years really were just my fantasy. Nah, I have letters from her from last year where she calls me her soul mate, her partner in crime, her lover, her best friend. I just got to sit this out.

I leave for Africa in 40 minutes and I will be gone for a week. I try not to envision coming home to an empty house. Oops, I just envisioned it. The trip is one huge GAL move. All I have to do is get on the plane and let the distance do the work.

My heart goes out to you. This club sucks but I am extremely grateful that you are here. May all of your spouses pull their heads out of their assets. L

[LucasE]

Hi. Well it has been seven months. I'm still lost. However, there are positive things that I want to list just to see if anyone sees something.

W used to wear high heels every day, after dumping me. That stopped.
W used to be angry at me. That stopped.

It seems like I'm right on track according to DR. According to the rest of the world, I should give up. I did a number 1 "DON'T" today. I spent too much time alone. I was able to sound upbeat when she called. I did another "DON'T" right then, I answered. Gosh darn it, I like to talk to her. I did get off the phone first, sort of.

This is where we are: Separated. At six months, full of jet lag from South Africa, I decided I wanted to know how she felt. She said that she enjoyed doing things together as a family but we would never be intimate again. Classic backsliding followed. I argued. I told her she was wrong. I probably begged and pleaded. I couldn't help myself. She let me know that she was aware that I was putting all of my energy into getting her back and that she was using all of hers to get away. Oh? I was actually surprised that it was so obvious. I actually believed I was pulling off the distancing act. She cried guilty tears and left. I knew then what I had done wrong. She texted me an apology which got all my hopes up again. The text told me to back off. It just doesn't come naturally. Since then I have gone back to my distancing which hopefully is working better this time. I can say that it feels more real to me this time. I know that that is the point. It has to be real or it is useless. These things must come from within. I must do them for myself and the kids.

I read a great post from a WAW earlier today. She said two things that stuck with me today.
1. When you change something and expect her to notice, she wonders why it took something so terrible to change something and therefore was a reminder of the pain caused rather than the big turnaround that I always expect. OK. Got it.
2. Do the changes for real or she will see it as manipulation. Right.

Now we talk once a day on the phone and it is almost always pleasant. Safe topics only, of course. Even that is making sense to me now. Tomorrow W hands the kids to me for 13 days. She is going to be out of town working. I believe the work will build up her confidence and make her happy with herself. Six months ago I would have been afraid that all that independence would give her strength to leave. Now I know that if she is happy with herself, she can be happy with us. Or not. At least there is a chance. It has taken me six months to figure that out.
I have been more depressed than ever lately. I'm not sure if I am losing faith or feeling closer but not enough or accepting my new separated life. It sure is a drag. I want to fix this family but she is just not ready. One friend said that I chose DB because it had the success stories I wanted to hear. He said I could have just as easily found "lost cause dot com" or something. I hope he is wrong. DB has delivered on all of it's promises so far. Softening. Patience. Yes, yes.
Good Luck to all of you. L