H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

H basically wants to be single, no resposibilities or commitments (well not with me/us).

So did mine But that's all changed now, but it took a L - O - N - G time.

When his friend asked H if he was going to come back to me, H replied no.

Don't believe everything they say! Please ignore this one. It might b how he feels right NOW, but it doesn't mean his feelings will stay that way. This is from the girl whose H said to her face "I can no longer stay married to you".

H is still very angry with me (I have no reason why)and easily misunderstands me and overreacts to situations.

Projection possibly? Try subsituting "I" for "you" in what he says and see if it makes sense. He's a nice guy and he's done a horrid thing. He is bound to feel bad about himself, and while he feels bad he can't even begin to feel good about you.

My point is that i then re-read alot of my emails/texts to H and I do come across as angry, so i have tried to changed my tone and tried to be ameniable when he asking for decisions ..... I just thought to myself - girl you need to make some decisions, he may/may not be away with her and i can't do anything about it. In the end i just booked some holiday at work and will think about what plans to make.....So i guess my improved attitude will help with interactions with H, if they're more positive then i have less angst, which has to be good.

Well done for pinpointing what ISN'T working and experimenting with something you feel might - wait and watch, experiment and monitor results.

I think I was just fighting against H, I don't want to be friends, I still want more, but he's not having any of it, however the more friendlier I am, the more helpful he is towards me and in the end I will get more help from him.

At the moment your eyes are only on the big prize, on getting H back and recomitted to your M. While this is of course a good aim, maybe it's a little high for now? You need to break this down into smaller goals, I think. For example, a football team doesn't win the league on day one. There are many matches they have to play, some they win, some they draw and some they lose, but all these little games add up to the big prize at the end if there are enough wins. A non-footie analogy is losing weight. I want to drop 28lbs. If I then decide that is the ONLY thing that will make me happy then I'm in for a long wait (or should that be a long weight? LOL). No, it's the little celebrations in between , losing half a stone, dropping one dress size, putting a pair of trousers which have become too big away. Small steps.

The BBQ and Yoga - WELL DONE!!! This is FANTASTIC, I really mean that. Achieving something you didn't think you could do which has nothing to do with H is really morale boosting. I had a huge smile on my face when I read this. And it's GOOD to get out and about, and lovely to get a big of male appreciation (even though nothing will come of it). These things are SO important because they give you a break from worrying about H. Belive me, I speak from experience.

Other positives I see in your sitch:
1. H has suggested the 2 year sep before the D. GOOD - this gives you time. There are a lot of people on here whos WAS's want the D like YESTERDAY. He's not rushing it.

2. H is trying to co-parent with you, the camping holiday offer is a good one. To me it looks like he is trying to extend the hand of friendship, and while it's not what you want right now it's all he's going to offer

I remember saying to my H during my crisis that we "were'n't really" married, that for the time being we would be friends only and put the M on the shelf. He seemed to like this. His biggest fear was that i was standing there, metaphorically tapping my fingers and looking at my watch waiting for him to come out of his MLC. When I got over to him that it wasn't like that and I fully ACCEPTED the situation then he relaxed a little. I had mase it clear I didn't want to split, but I wasn't going to push him.

I hope this helps a little - to an outsider it has really looked like you and your H have been fighting. And it's not worked. So try a new style of fighting, play Mrs Nice Girl to him, show him you're fine, life is OK, yes you'd rather not be in this situation but life gets like that at times and you're going to make the best of it. See how it goes.

It will feel unnatural, but in DB'ing in order to get closer to what you really want you have to move away from it. It feels so nuts, I once said it's like the only way you will get a promotion at work is by bunking off, turning up late and going home early. It feels weird but it can work.

OK - I have wittered on enough. Read what I've said and use what fits for you. I'm off now to plant more veggies on the patio and see if Their Majesties (aka the guinea pigs) are OK.