I'm still extremely angry. I have a really hard time remembering anything good. I don't know how long it takes to get over that. It took 16 years for me to get this mad. How long should it take to get over it ?
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I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I want a great loving caring nurturing marriage. I wish I knew how to make it happen. I really do.
??? You are angry, and maybe you have a right to be. But for me, anger is helpful only to a point. It's distress. It's like being in pain. It's a signal that something is wrong, like maybe there's an elephant standing on your foot. But beyond that signal, it's not useful. The pain is there to tell you to make a change.
If you buy this, then the anger is just your reaction to emotional pain. What do you do with it? Keep it? nurture it? Wonder how long it will stay, as you feed it, pet it, coddle it, and watch it grow?
Do you really want to not be angry?
You have a right to be angry. But .. what does the anger get you?
Is it helping? Is the pain helping you?
Let me try this thought experiment - there are a whole bunch of options for the future of your relationship with your husband. You could split. or you could reconcile. there are a million variations and options. but let's just consider the simple case - stay together, or not.
now, where does anger help you if you stay together? how would anger help you if you split?
I just don't see how it helps anyone, in any case.
---- ok, so taking you at your word - you want to put down the anger, but don't know how. Have you considered anger management therapy? have you gone to the library to check out books on how to get past the anger? Have you spoken to friends about this challenge of yours? Counselors? Your pastor? Your mom?
You see the anger is an obstacle to progress for your relationship. You yourself said, "I have a hard time remembering anything good." Two possibilities - either there WAS nothing good, or your anger is blocking all good feeling. How do you know what is right?
If you believe you want to explore the possibility of reconciliation, you have got to get the poison of anger out of you, soon. now. Only without the anger will you see clearly. Decide to do it, and take action.
I'm not saying you don't have "a right" to be angry. But does it get you what you want?
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Let's suppose I had a bad day at work, I come home, have a glass of scotch, then another one. Trying to relax. Then the phone rings and it's my boss and it just brings the work day right back. What if I get angry, slam the phone down and throw my glass at the wall? Will that help me? Maybe if I shout at the kids? Of course, none of that is helpful. I've a right to be angry but the anger isn't helping me.
