Smartcookie, I wish I had some insight into his or her anger. I try to figure out my WAW too much as it is but in the end, the only way to really know is for them to tell us. It would probably have to be volunteered otherwise it may not be entirely truthful on their part if we ask.
However, speaking as someone who is the LBS and very hurt by it, I would encourage dialogue on your part. Patient, contrite, yet loving dialogue. Once he opens up, he would need to do his part otherwise you'll feel resentment.
In my WAW's case, I need to remain distant because her anger causes me to slip back into mild depression. As I mentioned, I suspect her anger is now different than before although I only have my observations of her patterns of behaviour to go by.
I'm still extremely angry. I have a really hard time remembering anything good. I don't know how long it takes to get over that. It took 16 years for me to get this mad. How long should it take to get over it ?
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I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I want a great loving caring nurturing marriage. I wish I knew how to make it happen. I really do.
??? You are angry, and maybe you have a right to be. But for me, anger is helpful only to a point. It's distress. It's like being in pain. It's a signal that something is wrong, like maybe there's an elephant standing on your foot. But beyond that signal, it's not useful. The pain is there to tell you to make a change.
If you buy this, then the anger is just your reaction to emotional pain. What do you do with it? Keep it? nurture it? Wonder how long it will stay, as you feed it, pet it, coddle it, and watch it grow?
Do you really want to not be angry?
You have a right to be angry. But .. what does the anger get you?
Is it helping? Is the pain helping you?
Let me try this thought experiment - there are a whole bunch of options for the future of your relationship with your husband. You could split. or you could reconcile. there are a million variations and options. but let's just consider the simple case - stay together, or not.
now, where does anger help you if you stay together? how would anger help you if you split?
I just don't see how it helps anyone, in any case.
---- ok, so taking you at your word - you want to put down the anger, but don't know how. Have you considered anger management therapy? have you gone to the library to check out books on how to get past the anger? Have you spoken to friends about this challenge of yours? Counselors? Your pastor? Your mom?
You see the anger is an obstacle to progress for your relationship. You yourself said, "I have a hard time remembering anything good." Two possibilities - either there WAS nothing good, or your anger is blocking all good feeling. How do you know what is right?
If you believe you want to explore the possibility of reconciliation, you have got to get the poison of anger out of you, soon. now. Only without the anger will you see clearly. Decide to do it, and take action.
I'm not saying you don't have "a right" to be angry. But does it get you what you want?
----
Let's suppose I had a bad day at work, I come home, have a glass of scotch, then another one. Trying to relax. Then the phone rings and it's my boss and it just brings the work day right back. What if I get angry, slam the phone down and throw my glass at the wall? Will that help me? Maybe if I shout at the kids? Of course, none of that is helpful. I've a right to be angry but the anger isn't helping me.
Sir, this is good, this is really really good. It didn't strike me the way you may have intended. But it is a HUGE "aha" moment for me. I had never looked at anger or pain as anything constructive but the moment you said it was there to tell me to make a change, it all fell into place. I'm really glad you took the time to reply. This is good.
<<The pain is there to tell you to make a change.
You're right. Because I had laid down & become a doormat for H's abuse, I had to get angry enough to stand up & insist he treat me better.
<<Is it helping? Is the pain helping you?
As of 5 minutes ago, now that I see it this way, I think it may be. (I know this isn't how you meant it, but hang with me a minute) I think the pain/anger reminds me that I will never again be a doormat. I will never again let anyone abuse me in anyway.
<<now, where does anger help you if you stay together?
It won't help in the long term. But, (believe it or not) I have a very tender soft heart, & usually will put my needs to the side for someone else's. I think the anger (for now) keeps me focused on my emotional & survival needs. See, before I got really good & pissed off, I felt like I was dying here. I don't feel that way anymore.
<<Have you considered anger management therapy?
yep, in therapy now, we talk about it every week.
<< have you gone to the library to check out books on how to get past the anger?
yep, love the local library.
<<Have you spoken to friends about this challenge of yours? Counselors? Your pastor? Your mom?
no.
<<You see the anger is an obstacle to progress for your relationship
perhaps. If I beat him with it, yes. If I use it as a reminder to not let things go back like they were, then maybe it will aide our progress.
<<Two possibilities - either there WAS nothing good, or your anger is blocking all good feeling. How do you know what is right?
That's a really long answer for my thread. I'll explain (sometime) how our relationship progressed in yearly chunks. Or better yet, what I did to cope while hoping it would get better.
<<I'm not saying you don't have "a right" to be angry. But does it get you what you want?
Maybe in the long term, it does. We'll see.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey! Cool, glad something shook loose. I feel like I helped a little.
I totally get what you are saying about using your anger as a reminder.
For me Anger is a feeling like extreme frustration. I am stimulated to do something, but either I Cannot figure out the right thing to do to address my stress, or the thing I tried to do isn't working, etc etc. Anger is panic+frustration to me. And so in the end it doesn't help me.
It helps me to feel offended and hurt and remember the stuff that happened; that's what protects me from touching the hot stove next time. But do I need to stay angry about the hot stove? Nah. Sure I was angry when it happened, and it comes back from time to time. But the anger doesn't get me anywhere. it's a sign I feel powerless or incapable of making a change.
This is just me talking here, not suggesting this is the way anyone else should think of it.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
For me Anger is a feeling like extreme frustration. I am stimulated to do something, but either I Cannot figure out the right thing to do to address my stress, or the thing I tried to do isn't working, etc etc. Anger is panic+frustration to me. And so in the end it doesn't help me.
I like your description. Thats about the way I feel, but never could find the words for it.
Cool link-->DANCING ALIEN Read and relate-->MY THOUGHTS
