There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

morning all. sooo tired this morning. after evening activities with the kids (art show/t-ball) h and I put them to bed and sat down and talked. we talked a lot. and we did end up talking about ow, I even asked some questions. no third degree, just talking. I got no sleep (mind racing, tossing and turning) so am exausted, but in a nutshell, these are things he said. are they true? your guess is as good as mine. time will tell on some things, on others, well, sure sounds about right. in no particular order:

he never stopped loving me, has been a fool, is very sorry, has missed me terribly.

once the fantasy/secret nature of the affair ended, the reality set in (so textbook) and the fog started lifting. he's realized since january how stupid he's been (back to those emails) but is just big old mess.

ow thinks she is peachy keen and played no part in the breakup of our marriage. (is she to blame? no. but hell yeah she played a part).

he left ow a few days ago, but nothing has been permanently ended but he intends to (yeah, we'll see, we'll see). they haven't spoken since he packed his bags and left.

they've had big blowup fights every week for the past several months.

she did push for divorce several times, but then stopped because at first he gave reasons (new job, the holidays) and then eventually he just started picking fights when she did, telling her to back off and such. but she feels like he would never go back to me so she feels pretty comfortable.

although he also thinks that she knows that the end of their relationship is likely coming (fights, unhappiness, etc), she would be devastated, it would kill her (his words) if he went back to me. I was really surprised by that for some reason. I asked why, and he said because then she would feel like a whore. right now she feels like she has done nothing wrong, if he went back to me, she would feel very used and whore-like. (um, yeah).

he said he started opening his eyes to how she is with her own son...she gets bored being with him, seems to get no joy from him, or very little joy. they would go to the park and 10 minutes into him playing SHE would be bored and want to leave. foreign to me, completely foreign. to h too. he was really surprised by that, and it was part of the reason he didn't push hard (and backed off easily) from introducing our 3 to her.

he took responsibility for everything he has done to me and to our relationship and to our kids and his remorse seems very genuine.

There was a lot more, but that is what I am remembering right now. it was a really good talk...it was like seeing H again for the first time in a long time. he sounded like he used to, not this foreigner.

it was late when we wrapped up and I let him stay, making sure he knew that this would not be repeated, that until he gets his own sh#t together, there is no point in even talking about anything else. all this he readily accepted and agreed to.

this morning the kids did see them. they thought it was a wonderful joke and surprise that daddy had had a sleepover...usually they go on sleepovers at his house! they were over the moon, though, and a reminder to use caution. if we do end up reconciling (and that is a HUGE if), they will be among the last to know.

we'll see what today brings. we'll see what the future brings. but for now I feel okay. and that isn't because of the possibility of him coming back, but because I know I'll be okay no matter what.

I have to say it was funny last night and this morning. I am NOT used to someone in my space anymore. just the moving about/different habits in the morning were niggling at me. lol. see how quickly those silver linings from separation are hard to give up? forgot about all that give and take in marriage. sigh. but that's okay. if it ends up being right that we reconcile, then we will, but it will take a hell of a lot of work. and I will NOT go back to the marriage we had...it will not be sliding back into old habits. it will be something completely and totally different. I told my therapist yesterday that I feel like I deserve someone better, but she rightly pointed out what I am really saying is I deserve someone healthier. and I do. and I do hope he can be that person. but time will tell. he has a tough row to hoe, and he's only just now checking the weather.