Torn between hope and anger

[lise]

I've been posting in the Newcomers forum, but it is clear that my H is in MLC and this place seems to have the stories that match mine. In fact, I don't even have to tell my story because it sounds so eerily like all of yours.

I think H has been in MLC for almost 4 years! OW entered the picture then, I found out 3 years ago, he said good-bye to her 2 years ago at my insistence, 1 year ago we took a sabbatical from our lives to move to South America for 8 months, and when we returned in March he reconnected with OW and has moved to her city 9 hours away from me, his 2 teenage sons and all we have built in our 21 year marriage. These past few years he became increasingly obsessed with how much longer he would have to do what he wanted to in life. He wanted a better sex life, he was worried about when he'll get alzheimers like his dad, he wanted to run for governor (seriously!) His past was unnecessary baggage and his OW is wealthy and idolizes him but they have not consummated their EA because her H asked her to wait until they are officially divorced. She had a prenuptual agreement and is set for life and can help my H live out his wildest dreams.

I have resisted D talk with my H up until now. But he has been so unrealistic about what his responsibilities are to me and his boys. He also has pushed for us to stay "friends" and it has been really hard for me to find a balance that is reasonable for my emotional health. I need some financial security during this waiting time. I don't think he'll give it without me doing something legal. He says he never wants to work a "real" job.

How do you DB when you need to talk about these issues that will inevitably make him get angry because they are making him face reality? I don't know how to approach him about it. He wants to start taking things to his new home (OW's second house) but I don't think he has a right to everything he is asking for. DBing says don't make demands on your spouse in MLC, but I NEED him to step up to his responsibilities.

I so dislike and disrespect who my H is right now. I am getting frighteningly close to hiring a lawyer and making H start paying for all the sh*t he has put me through for the past 4 years. But, although almost everyone around me says dump him, everything inside me says to keep the door open. I am so confused! How do I know when it is time to give up and move on? I hate how this is making me feel about myself and my life. I am a wreck...

[BeingMe]

DB'ing does not say you shouldn't protect yourself and your children financially. I really do think you should seek legal counsel, and find out what your rights are, and perhaps get a Separation Agreement in place. You might even find you can sue the OW for alienation of affection ... I've heard it done before. Not saying you should do that, but consider all options, and make sure your H is legally held responsible for his part of the family's financial welfare ... you didn't force him to marry you or have a family.

He is not the man you married right now, so don't treat him as such. However, don't do anything out of bitterness, and anger. Be clear-headed, and businesslike with him. In my sitch, when I contemplated our separation and possible D, I knew I couldn't be friends, but I could be friendly for the sake of my children.

but they have not consummated their EA because her H asked her to wait until they are officially divorced

Did they not consummate their A four years ago? How can she possibly prove if she has or not? Sounds like your H likes the money she brings into the R. Wow!

Anyway, just some thoughts.

[lise]

I've been trying to read through some of the threads on this topic and it is overwhelming me. I find it so depressing to hear how so many people are still in this horrible place months and years after it all started. I don't think I can survive what is happening to me and my M. Everything seems so hopeless and pointless...

HOW DO YOU ALL KEEP HOLDING ON?!? I am being crushed by the sadness and loss I feel. This is not the life I planned and I don't know what to make of the life I've been handed.

[jmw]

Hi, you are grieving for your past and your future, for now you have just been dealt a card that says you can only live in the present, and this is what gets us all through the MLC nightmare.

Live each day as it comes, very slowly things will change and although it wont be a smooth journey it will becaome a worthwhile and fulfilling future, because it will be your future, and it will be filled with happy memories.

Difficult to think of now but with the support of the board, family and friends and good legal advice we do get through it.

just look out for yourself and your kids, your MLC spouse will look after themselves well enough.

[lise]

Thanks so much for responding.

I AM overcome by grief. And I feel so NEEDY. I don't like who I've become any more than who my H has become.

I have never dealt well in the present, always lived in the past and future, so I guess this is just the lesson I needed to learn in my life. I am a reluctant student, though.

[Jeanette1120]

Welcome Lise !!

Your feeling of sadness and grief are normal. YOU NEED to feel these emotions.

We are all reluctant students sweetie, but students we are and learning we do.

I wanted to copy this from your post on another thread and answer it here.

You guys are talking about lawyers. How do you find a good one? I have been afraid to get a L because I didn't want to make H more angry. He wants to D "amicably" and go in together to file the papers without L. I said why would I do that when I don't even want a D? He accuses me of wanting to make things ugly. He's the one who started this! He says he wants to save the money, but I know what he thinks is reasonable in an agreement will not be what I think is fair - not that any of this is fair, but you know what I mean. My sister is a lawyer in another state and has told me I will get much more from a court decision than he is offering me. I don't talk to her very often because I am afraid of where she wants me to go with this. How do you balance staying friendly but not getting taken advantage of?

You need to have your own attorney. This is your future we are talking about. Do not let him convince you otherwise.

Do not be afraid to seek legal advice!! It's better to know what your up against when it gets to this point.

Do not trust what your H is saying. He is looking out for himself.

Let your H do all the work on the divorce if he wants to go that far. It's not what you want to do so let him do it.

How do you balance this out?

It's a hard one thats for sure, but you set your personal emotions aside and step into your business suit. If your H gets angry with you, simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way".

The needy feeling is natural also. Your scared, your unsure of whats happening, you don't know who your H is anymore. Spend time with friends, family and a support group that will guide/help you through this.

Keep in mind that he IS NOT your H right now.

Pray that oneday he returns.

You need to show him that you are a strong woman.

Sigh, I know this reads easy but it's not. I understand how hurt and scared you are.

Read the MLC resource thread at the top of the forum. It will help you trememdously in how to deal with your MLC'ing Spouse.

HUGS,

Jeanette

[lise]

Oh, you give such good advice! -

-It's a hard one thats for sure, but you set your personal emotions aside and step into your business suit. If your H gets angry with you, simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way".-

That's exactly what I need to do, but it is so hard to just be business like with someone I want to be emotionally connected to. I see that it is not going to be possible or safe to hold on to my perception of H as a loving, caring partner to me anymore. I was trying to see him that way, as just a very confused friend, but the shock of his self-centeredness has continued to throw me off balance. The hardest thing is that he can't even acknowledge his own tunnel vision right now. He thinks the suggestions he is making about our sons' schooling is in their benefit, but he his viewpoint is so skewed. I have to do battle just to make sure he doesn't ruin our kids' lives at the same time he is ruining his own.

[lise]

What do you do when you start looking back on your marriage and wondering if it ever really was what you thought it was? I mean, I found out my H had cheated on me with several of my friends over our 21 year marriage but said he never planned on leaving me for anyone until this last woman entered his life. I had had suspicions and I think that is what added to our issues about sexual intimacy between us over the years.

I can't use MLC as an excuse for all the infidelity and selfish behavior/poor judgement. I wonder if I even would want him back now that I know who he really was for most of our time together. We had great times too of course, but I feel like I was pretending he was someone he wasn't.

[kml]

What do you do when you start looking back on your marriage and wondering if it ever really was what you thought it was? I mean, I found out my H had cheated on me with several of my friends over our 21 year marriage but said he never planned on leaving me for anyone until this last woman entered his life.

Whao - I gotta say, you've got lousy taste in friends! I could see having ONE girlfriend who was that stupid and immoral - but several????? You have GOT to start hanging out with better quality people, girl!

AS for your H - you know, there are different types of WASs. The usual is a previously good spouse who is just temporarily off their nut. That's the majority here.

But then there are spouses who have serious, chronic issues and/or personality disorders. Drug addicts, sex addicts, narcissists, abusers, etc. In these situations, the prognosis is far more serious. Your H is a serial adulterer, AND not even polite enough to do it with strangers - he has to pick up on your girlfriends! He has a serious underlying issue, and in cases like these, you do nOT want him back unless he gets SERIOUS therapy for his problem for a LONG, LONG time.

I know it's terrible to find out that this stuff has been going on for so long. My friend Survival Goddess in the Surviving the big D forum had a similar experience.

I think it's important for YOU to figure out what would make this right FOR YOU. Him just coming home isn;t enough - you know he'll repeat. Him just saying he's seen the error of his ways isn't enough - you know without help his issues will still be lurking under the surface. Decide what it would take - a year of individual counseling for him, sex addicts anonymous, AA if he has a drinking problem which contributed to this - whatever. A year of treatment, complete transparency during that year, absolutely no contact with oW during that year - and then mAYBE it would be worth your while to CONSIDER him moving home.

Don't settle for less. Live your life going forward, as if he (the H you THOUGHT you had) had dropped dead of a heart attack. Get out there and LIVE YOUR DREAMS.

Odds are, even if H does get his act together eventually, you'll have second thoughts about taking him back.

Ellie

[lise]

I found out about this other life of my H 3 years ago when he dropped the first bomb about the OW. And, yes, it made my sense of self worth plummet and made me seriously question my choice of "friends." At the risk of sounding like I'm defending him, he told me he "never had sex" with them, just was intimate in ways he said I wasn't providing him and he felt he couldn't live without. He also said he never really promised fidelity in our vows (we didn't say the traditional things) and the counselor we went to said that sometimes people enter into marriage with different definitions (he's following his dad's example.) I, of course, had assumed fidelity was a part of marriage agreement. And the ironic thing is that he hasn't even had sex with the OW he is leaving me for and he won't until her D is final because she doesn't want to break her vows. AND he says this time he will be faithful because he "just won't open the door to other women." He had been faithful to me (physically at least) for the past 2 years and hadn't been in touch with this OW for 1 year before this bomb 2. He even went to counselors, but he is a really smooth talker...

I realize this is a topic for a different forum probably. But I also realize that I may be holding on to hope for a marriage that maybe isn't worth even hoping for. Even if he is in MLC, why why why would I even want him back? What is wrong with me, what was I getting out of the relationship? THe hard thing I have to deal with is coming to terms with those 20 plus years I gave to him and feel so stupid about...