More R talk on the phone tonight ... I initiated it! Still going 'round in circles, and I just don't know what to do. He just doesn't get it. I doubt he ever will.
Time to retreat into my emotional cave, and let him sort himself out, until I get muh plans together to leave the M. I think I'm done ... not sure how I feel about him anymore. He has left it too long.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Does H give any example of what he is doing to improve the M? Is he just figuring that not leaving is all he has to do? What kind of response does he give?
I'm not saying I have the answers, or am a success story in this matter, but I'm getting very agitated about "luke warm" spouses. From discussions with my W, I found out that she was leaving things around that she knew would anger me, so that I would bring up the subject or initiate things that she was too chicken to do so. In the end she finally did step up and do so. I was not going to give her a free ride, or come off as the bad guy.
As things come more and more to light, many of our friends are kind of backing away from W and her actions. Some of them don't even want to be at the house any more. We use to have quite a few events at our house, not even the teenagers are here as much any more.
I hope H is giving you some solid answers and hopefully actions soon.
I don't even know how to answer your question, Phoenix! (BTW, thanks for the hugs, Aud and Phoenix ... so need them right now.) When I spoke to my H about my concerns, he acted as if it was all a huge surprise. How could be possibly think that no intimacy for 3 years, after he begged for us to stay married, and come to this new place to start over again, is okay!!!! I am flabbergasted at how he can act as if everything is alright, with just brief phone calls during the week, some time spent together on the weekends, but he is always busy with the finances, garden, helping taxi D15, etc. that we seldom get real time together. And, when we do, he is not very engaged or seem interested in chatting to me, or anything like that. I do all the talking really, and I sometimes feel like it's such an effort to get a response out of him. He kisses (pecks on the lips really, and I am starting to resent those) and hugs me hullo and goodbye, sometimes rubs my back, and holds hands when we're out but that is all the adult intimate connection I get, and it all seems so phoney and pretentious to me given that there is no romance in our M at all.
He also seems to infer that it's my fault because I don't trust him. Well, he has hardly made much of an effort to prove I can, so what can he possibly expect, and I feel I have given him every opportunity to earn back my trust. But, of course, he doesn't see that.
I am feeling very hopeless right now. I don't feel anything for him at the present moment, and I think times up, but I've said that before, so who knows. I just don't want to put my D15 through any pain right now. Perhaps I will wait until she finishes school in two years, and I will continue studying toward a career that can support myself, and then we can separate officially. I feel I have done everything within my power to bring about positive changes within myself, and M, but there has to come a time when the other spouse has to put more effort into it, otherwise there is hardly any point.
I'm feeling a little emotional right now ... had a health issue during the week and was taken to the hospital from work (ugh, so embarrassing, and realized how alone I was here 'cause H couldn't come through seeing as how he is hundreds of miles away from home, so I took a cab home ... okay, that sounds like I feel sorry for myself, and maybe I do a little). 'Eh!
I will post some more later when I am more clear-headed.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Oh, I'm so sorry you are so alone. I can truly identify with all your feelings regarding H's lack of effort--my H acted exactly the same when he was in his A's. It is not right for him to expect you to settle for platonic companionship limbo, and it is excruciating to be on the receiving end of it.
Are you okay health-wise now? Have you had a chance to counsel with your B?
Ugh! We spoke again on the phone, and I feel I am out of control ... some! I explained how unhappy I was with the way things were, and how he hasn't done anything to improve things .... brought up issues from the past .... brought up how he could listen to OW's complaints and be there for her, but wasn't there for me .... yadda yadda yadda. He said he felt tense around me all the time (and yet, it's only been the past month that I have been getting pretty resentful, so still not sure why the lack of intimacy for the past 3 years ... oh well ... I had completely backed off from any tense feelings, unless it was unconscious and I didn't realise it). I came across as needy, and whiney, but worse, I sounded desperate. Oh, I could just b!tch slap myself. I ended the call, and cried for an hour, rather uncontrollably, and felt very alone in this. I thought I was past all this.
It's not often I really, really miss my mom (she passed away a long time ago, and I miss her in the usual way, but there are times when I really, really miss her, and now is one of those times). My H seems so cold and unwilling to own his part in this horrid M. This is NOT what I signed up for. So, I must change the dynamic completely. Time for some HUGE changes. Someone said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results ... so, I must change things, even if I risk losing the M, but regaining my sanity and my self respect. I cannot allow him to so control our emotional life, to the point that I am so dependent on him, while he is detached and unplugged. There is no way that he will ever allow himself to be vulnerable to me. Ha! He talks about my not trusting him ... at least, I trust him enough to allow myself the risk of showing him my vulnerability, but of course, he doesn't see that, and he certainly doesn't trust me. Oh well ... again, his loss, in the end.
I have to think this through before deciding what action to take. In the meantime, I will be trying to switch off my emotions around him, and act 'as if'. I can't be having these emotional break-downs around him anymore. Not worth it, and I get nothing out of it. I certainly don't get any real reassurances that he will change.
Ugh! I dislike this sitch intensely! I need something else to occupy my brain ... can't wait for school to start.
Sorry! Rant over!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks for checking up on me, Aud and ACJ! Yeah, I'm feeling much better now. I think it was food poisoning ... my D15 had similar symptons (although, not as bad), and we did eat something at a coffee shop, that S20 didn't eat with us. Emergency doc thought it might be viral ... they made sure it wasn't my heart (I have HBP), checked my sugar level, and some other tests (not sure what), and I seem to be in, otherwise, good health. It was just a little embarrassing collapsing at work (where I'm a casual, but I know pretty much everyone there, and they were very kind about it), and having EMS coming in and being hauled off to the hospital in an ambulance. Last time I was in hospital for myself, was when I gave birth to D15!!!!!
I could've phoned my S20 to pick me up, but he was at work, although when D15 informed him I was in the hospital (when I finally was able to get to a phone and call home some 4 hours later), he left immediately, but I was already on my way home. I just don't think they are the one's to be rushing off to save me ... that's my H's job, or older children (one day).
Fortunately, I am a pretty independent person, but I sure felt the lack of friendship/family at a time like that. Been here almost 3 years, and it takes longer than that to build long lasting friendships where one can call on someone to come to your rescue, even if only for a hug and a friendly face.
Okay, nuff of my sad story. I'm off to bed.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Glad you're feeling better Being Me, my nephew had a similar experience where he just collapsed at school, doctor said it was viral and he's fine now. This bug must be going from one end of the country to the other! Ya know, it's even harder when you are an independent person because it is difficult to even ask for help, it can be a curse, can't it. Happy Victoria Day!!!
Wish I was back home for the celebrations. Not that I need any more fireworks in my life right now. Those inside the walls of the house are enough. W is starting to get called on her "woe is me and my life" by the D17 and S15. Not sure if it will be enough of a wake up call, but let's see what happens. Kids are starting to gravitate more towards me, even though I will not be the "custodial parent". I suspect there will be a few of the kids who will want to live with me instead of W. I'm not pushing them either way, just telling them the door is open.
Hope you are in a better place, health wise, now. Go out and enjoy the fireworks. There's nothing better than fireworks in May.
My H seems so cold and unwilling to own his part in this horrid M. This is NOT what I signed up for. So, I must change the dynamic completely. Time for some HUGE changes. Someone said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results ... so, I must change things, even if I risk losing the M, but regaining my sanity and my self respect. I cannot allow him to so control our emotional life, to the point that I am so dependent on him, while he is detached and unplugged. There is no way that he will ever allow himself to be vulnerable to me. Ha! He talks about my not trusting him ... at least, I trust him enough to allow myself the risk of showing him my vulnerability, but of course, he doesn't see that, and he certainly doesn't trust me. Oh well ... again, his loss, in the end.
