Maybe Last Thread in Separating, Found DB 2 Late

[cw68]

Hi Kalni, welcome to my thread. I read yours regularly. I wish I were going through this situation in Greece. hehehe More seriously, it is next on my list of countries I want to visit.

And, I have a box of girl scout cookies left! Thin mints. I might have to open them...

Roller coaster, roller coaster.

H and I spoke tonight. I intended it to be a simple, quick convo about the kid logistics. S5 proposed this to me tonight:

S: Mom, you could do four days and Dad four days each week.
Me: There's only seven days in a week.
S: I know that. You have us Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Weds. Dad has us Weds, Thurs, Fri and Saturday. You each get half on Weds. That's seven days.

Smart cookie. It made me so sad, though, to realize that I'm going to have to miss so much of their lives, live so much without them because it's in their best interest to see their father more than the current arrangement we have. This arrangement has worked fine because we spent so much time together as a family, they saw their father so much more than just during his time.

S5 was upset and I called H so they could talk. I told them I needed to talk to them when they got off. It wasn't a short conversation. In fact, it was probably one of the deepest, most honest and open conversations we've had in a long time.

To sum it up (not) quickly, I told H about my realizations today regarding me always being here for me. He said he wasn't surprised, that I was an inherently strong and centered person. I told him how freaked I was that I'm not going to be with my kids so much in the future, that I feel my job, my purpose is being taken away. H responded that he understood, but that I stopped "just" being a SAHM a long time ago and that I'm very multi-layered. (This from the guy who last fall said that I had a lot of smarts I wasn't using by staying home.) I told him that while I felt horrible, I didn't feel as bad as I did back in July when everything was a shock. This didn't shock me, he's been telling me this since then and I refused to really believe it.

He said that he didn't know what he was saying back in July when he dropped the bomb and said he wanted out, that he didn't know back in January when he moved out. Said that if he really wanted/needed to walk away from us, he would have. Next he mentions that it's not that there isn't any hope left and that taking a few days like I suggested Sunday was a good idea. I meant it in that I couldn't talk to him, he took it as a suggestion to think. He said he's doing horribly, that he's at the bottom. Well, actually that on Sunday he was at the bottom, he's a little better than then, but that the past ten months were necessary. That we both have used them as growth periods and we needed it. Then he said that I/us really isn't at the bottom of all of this, he is. He said that the past ten months he's been pretending like he hasn't been listening because he really didn't want to, but that I said a lot of things that made him think.

I was able to validate during this whole time. The first part of the conversation was him listening to me, then it turned into me listening to him. DBing becomes a way of life, I guess, it wasn't like I was purposefully doing it. We then both cleared up a few miscommunications we have between us.

I told him I was seeing a lawyer on Monday, but that I wasn't filing, that divorce wasn't what I wanted. I asked when he was going to see one. He said he wasn't planning on it at this time, mentioned that the county has some seminar he wanted to attend. Then he said he understood if I couldn't wait and wanted to move. I reminded him that I wasn't going to do that, that I think a divorce would just make more problems without solving the ones we are dealing with.

I took this time to tell him that I am committed to him, to us. That I realize that while I wish this was all different, I realized he had to follow his own path. Lastly, I told him that I meant this in a sincere way, not trying to project my own wishes upon the situation, but that I didn't want him to do something he would end up regretting. That I know the man I met ten years ago, and the man he was just a few years ago, would regret throwing it all away and that I believed that man is bigger than he gives himself credit for. Told him I really wish him to be happy, not to just do what I want him to do.

He thanked me for the conversation and we both agreed it was one of the best we've had in a long while.

Does it change anything? IMO, no. But I'm feeling better.