Confused no longer - Give me the strength

[Snow White]

Some good news there, Snow! Hopefully he gets hired, and this becomes a turning point for the better.

I hope so too GF, but I tell you, I read your sitch and I see so many similarities between you and I and between our H's and I am beginning to question why I want him to come home.

He is there today watching D and complaining, first it is that that I do everything half assed because there was some jam on the outside of the jam jar(probably a month old since he was there, can't remember the last time I had jam), then it was that there were crumbs on the floor in our bedroom (where d sits to watch tv), I am not even trying to keep up the house...

Then when he went to take D to school her homework had been put back in the bag with a note on it to do the back of the page(the previous 2 weeks it was only the front). I had not even gone in her bag last night because homework comes home on Wed. I had her get out her book they sent home to read so I didn't notice. To that I got a text that said "she didn't finish her homework are you done or what because this is an f'n joke"

He obviously is in a bad mood today so it must be my fault. I want to rip a strip off him about it, but I called when i got back from my lunch and asked,"What is with you today, you seem to be going around looking for anything I might be doing wrong" He was then nice on the phone, I think he thinks he can say anything he wants by text.

My problem is if I choose not to bite my tongue I have a hard time staying in the moment, my response would be more like I am sorry the house isn't clean enough given that you walked out on your daughter and I, I have more things to worry about. So then I say nothing.

So teh he changes the subject were you out playing catch, how many times did you play this week?

[Sugar and Spice]

Hey Snow, I'm glad you had a good Mother's Day and don't let the alien get you down.

I laughed when I read that part about the lips...I remember that commercial! You are too funny.

He seems awfully interested in your activities...keep it up and enjoy the hell out of it.

[GoingForward]

I hope so too GF, but I tell you, I read your sitch and I see so many similarities between you and I and between our H's and I am beginning to question why I want him to come home.

(((SW)))

Yes, there are similarities, but please don't get discouraged because of what's happening in my sitch. Even though your H isn't living at home, he still comes around, presenting you with the opportunities to shine by showing him your genuine changes. I understand how angry you are with his decision to leave, but you can't show him that. You can't let him feel it. I had to remind myself of this everyday. I had to make myself act as if I was happy, as if nothing was eating away at me. The more I just did it, the more it became easier for me to accomplish. It also made my interactions with my H a lot more pleasant.

He is there today watching D and complaining, first it is that that I do everything half assed because there was some jam on the outside of the jam jar(probably a month old since he was there, can't remember the last time I had jam), then it was that there were crumbs on the floor in our bedroom (where d sits to watch tv), I am not even trying to keep up the house...

Then when he went to take D to school her homework had been put back in the bag with a note on it to do the back of the page(the previous 2 weeks it was only the front). I had not even gone in her bag last night because homework comes home on Wed. I had her get out her book they sent home to read so I didn't notice. To that I got a text that said "she didn't finish her homework are you done or what because this is an f'n joke"

He obviously is in a bad mood today so it must be my fault.

Ok, I agree. He's in a nitpicky mood. Just looking for any kind of justification as to why he was unhappy at home, making himself feel better having made his choice. IOW, He is NOT happy with his choice to leave his family, but he will try anything to convince himself otherwise.

So how to remedy this???......DON'T give him the chance to find the justification he is scrambling for. Clean the house. I know you are a working mom, so get help if you need it. Also from now on, be sure to check D's bag every afternoon after school and/or work (I slipped up once and didn't catch a big assignment that was due the next day! H was p*ssed off more with me than he was with S12.), and oh! Try not to forget to wipe up the jam jar!

Look around the house and improve anything else you think needs it. Get to it before he does.

Tackling his gripes will show him that you are listening to him, and that you care.

I want to rip a strip off him about it, but I called when i got back from my lunch and asked,"What is with you today, you seem to be going around looking for anything I might be doing wrong" He was then nice on the phone, I think he thinks he can say anything he wants by text.

Hmmm, maybe he feels that is the only time he can say what is on his mind without it becoming a heated debate as it might if you two were face-to-face?

My problem is if I choose not to bite my tongue I have a hard time staying in the moment, my response would be more like I am sorry the house isn't clean enough given that you walked out on your daughter and I, I have more things to worry about. So then I say nothing.

Yeah, I've had those kind of moments, too.

Truth is, they do not bring us any closer to repairing the R. Instead, we end up pushing our H's further away because we haven't worked towards forgiving them for their mistakes.

The sooner we work on forgiveness, the sooner we can begin to move forward in a positive direction.

So teh he changes the subject were you out playing catch, how many times did you play this week?

He's probably thinking if you've got time to play catch, then you've got time to clean house and make sure that D gets her homework done.

[karen43]

[quote=Snow White]
Ok, I agree. He's in a nitpicky mood. Just looking for any kind of justification as to why he was unhappy at home, making himself feel better having made his choice. IOW, He is NOT happy with his choice to leave his family, but he will try anything to convince himself otherwise.

So how to remedy this???......DON'T give him the chance to find the justification he is scrambling for. Clean the house. I know you are a working mom, so get help if you need it. Also from now on, be sure to check D's bag every afternoon after school and/or work (I slipped up once and didn't catch a big assignment that was due the next day! H was p*ssed off more with me than he was with S12.), and oh! Try not to forget to wipe up the jam jar!

Look around the house and improve anything else you think needs it. Get to it before he does.

Tackling his gripes will show him that you are listening to him, and that you care.

Yes, GF you told me about this too--my H nitpicks constantly as well about the house not being clean enough or whatever. I am trying to make at least some progress every week on improving the house, which I think is a realistic goal. Although I have to say with pets and 2 kids and home schooling there is usually a mess somewhere left by one of them and my H really enjoys finding them I think!! I like your interpretation, GF, that Snow's H is not happy with his choices and am wondering (hoping) that is true in my H's case also. Karen

[GoingForward]

I like your interpretation, GF, that Snow's H is not happy with his choices and am wondering (hoping) that is true in my H's case also. Karen

Well I will thank you on my H's behalf as this was his own interpretation.

I used to think he was so much happier when he wasn't living with us anymore, but according to my H, he wasn't AT ALL. Even lying in bed and waking up next to someone else, he was NOT happy. All he could think about was, "WTH did I do? It should not be like this. I f'ed up my life and my family."

I'm willing to bet that the majority of WASs feel this way to some extent.

[Snow White]

IOW, He is NOT happy with his choice to leave his family, but he will try anything to convince himself otherwise.

THis would be nice if this was the case. Too bad he is working so hard to convince himself though.

Clean the house. I know you are a working mom, so get help if you need it. Also from now on, be sure to check D's bag every afternoon after school and/or work (I slipped up once and didn't catch a big assignment that was due the next day! H was p*ssed off more with me than he was with S12.), and oh! Try not to forget to wipe up the jam jar!

I actually thought yesterday at work I am going to spend the evening cleaning, that will be an interesting 180 if H walks in and it is spotless(please now my house is not a disgusting mess, it just isn't like his mom's perfect place) But then I got home and after everything was said and done i wasn't feeling to bright and sunny so I decided to pull out my exercise bike and exercise for the first time since the bomb.

I did find that link that Karen suggested and I am going to try that out and see if I can keep up.

Its funny though when I got home the same guy who was so concerned about the house had left the bread open on the counter and the melba toast box out, crumbs everywhere. He was in a good mood at that point and so was I so I asked where my phone was so I could send him a mean text saying close the bread! He laughed.

The sooner we work on forgiveness, the sooner we can begin to move forward in a positive direction.

I am trying, I am trying. I have been doing very well for the last week and a half and we have got along great for the most part.

So then he changes the subject were you out playing catch, how many times did you play this week?

He's probably thinking if you've got time to play catch, then you've got time to clean house and make sure that D gets her homework done.

This one is more his jealousy creeping in, catch is at lunch at work, he was so concerned last week he near begged me to come home and had nonchalantly worked it into conversation a number of times since. First scrimmage game Thursday night!


Now for tonight's journaling. Met H and D after work for chinese food. We were the only people in the restaurant until my parents came in. So much for intimate conversation. My mom walks in the restaurant do you want us to sit by you or on the other side so you don;t have to see us! I just rolled my eyes. I did ask them to sit at the table next to us as they were pulling up their chairs to our table.

We went to Walmart after dinner cause H promised D an E-pet if she was good. He took me around the store pointing out all the different things he had considered getting me for Mother's day before he picked what he picked. He was showing me a bench for the house when we saw an awesome screened gazebo with a fold out bar on the side, and he started talking about how we should get it for our yard and sitting out in it in the summer. Interesting. I kind of expected H to take off from there but he asked D who she wanted to ride with back to the house. She picked him and he came back for another hour and a half. All in all in was fairly decent.

[GoingForward]

THis would be nice if this was the case. Too bad he is working so hard to convince himself though.

My H tried VERY hard, too, SW. Almost daily.

I actually thought yesterday at work I am going to spend the evening cleaning, that will be an interesting 180 if H walks in and it is spotless(please now my house is not a disgusting mess, it just isn't like his mom's perfect place) But then I got home and after everything was said and done i wasn't feeling to bright and sunny so I decided to pull out my exercise bike and exercise for the first time since the bomb.

Exercise is always a good thing.

My house isn't a cluttered pigsty either (I've received confirmation of this from both my MIL and SIL, even way before H moved back in and was complaining about things being messy), but to let H tell it, you'd think my house was a chaotic he** of pure filth!

Its funny though when I got home the same guy who was so concerned about the house had left the bread open on the counter and the melba toast box out, crumbs everywhere. He was in a good mood at that point and so was I so I asked where my phone was so I could send him a mean text saying close the bread! He laughed.

LOL! Touche.

Reminds me of a similar interaction with my H shortly after he moved back in. One day he was complaining about me spending money on a cup of coffee from Starbucks (I go there about twice a week). His snide remark while walking away with his back to me, "Great. I guess I should start investing in Starbucks. I could make a LOOOOOOTTA money doing that."

A few days later, H and his coworkers were here. H came inside asking me if I needed anything from the store because he was about to go on another beer run. Also said he might get a lotto ticket. "It'd be nice to win millions instantly," (or something close to that). I said, "No, we can just load up on stock in Anheiser(sp?)-Busch, Corona,.....Uhhh, what other brands do you like?" He looked puzzled at first but then caught on, smiled, and said, "Oh, yeah." He started laughing.

The sooner we work on forgiveness, the sooner we can begin to move forward in a positive direction.

I am trying, I am trying. I have been doing very well for the last week and a half and we have got along great for the most part.

That is good to hear, SW. As you know, I have been failing quite miserably in that dept lately. Gotta let go and stop rubbing his face in past comments he's made. *Whack!*

He's probably thinking if you've got time to play catch, then you've got time to clean house and make sure that D gets her homework done.

This one is more his jealousy creeping in, catch is at lunch at work, he was so concerned last week he near begged me to come home and had nonchalantly worked it into conversation a number of times since.

Ok, and I remember that post. However, I'm thinking it could be both.

He is indeed exhibiting jealous type behavior. BUT he could also be saving fuel for later down the road, for when and if he sees anything else that is bothering him (unkempt house, D not getting her homework done, etc, etc).

I know it bothered my H whenever I went out while we were S'ed. It upset him to think and/or know that I was possibly with someone else. He was jealous. Oh well, that was HIS problem, not mine.

But it also appeared to him that I didn't care as much about the tidiness of the house or always making sure that things got done. It seemed to him that my going out or whatever was more important to me than anything else. He thought I didn't care about what mattered to him. If I could make time to do other things, I certainly should be able to make the time to do the things that really ought to be done. Even if I didn't feel like it.

Find and take care of the 'annoyances' before your H does. Save yourself from future drama.

[karen43]

Its funny though when I got home the same guy who was so concerned about the house had left the bread open on the counter and the melba toast box out, crumbs everywhere. He was in a good mood at that point and so was I so I asked where my phone was so I could send him a mean text saying close the bread! He laughed.

My H is always lately very concerned or complaining about the house and he is actually the biggest slob I've ever met! He literally never throws stuff out, drops his clothes wherever, leaves every drawer and cabinet open, etc. When I just cleaned out his old car it probably took me about 10 hours or so and about 6 or 7 trash bags at least (and I'm talking the big lawn trash type). His new used car is getting to that condition as well. The funny thing is he told me he thinks he is a neat person, and I think he actually believes that!

Find and take care of the 'annoyances' before your H does. Save yourself from future drama.

The only problem I have with that is that then I think her H will just come up with some other nitpicky thing, if not the house, then homework, or something else that is not really what is bothering him. You know I've changed everything about myself as my H always said he wanted, work at least a dozen hours on the house now every week, etc. and he still finds stuff to complain about. I think the problem is not in me or what I'm doing or not doing, but in H's head. Karen

[GoingForward]

The only problem I have with that is that then I think her H will just come up with some other nitpicky thing, if not the house, then homework, or something else that is not really what is bothering him. You know I've changed everything about myself as my H always said he wanted, work at least a dozen hours on the house now every week, etc. and he still finds stuff to complain about. I think the problem is not in me or what I'm doing or not doing, but in H's head. Karen

I didn't mean to imply that if SW took care of these certain tasks, then her H wouldn't find fault anywhere else and she'd be in the clear. These are just some things she can try to tackle. It becomes less fuel for him.

And you're right. Her H, like yours and like mine, would still probably get angry and annoyed by other things, ANYthing. Doesn't matter what because it seems like most WASs tend to do nothing but focus on the 'bad' that happened in the M/R. They REFUSE to see any good that existed, or exists, for too long, again making themselves feel better about their choices of walking out on their families and/or having an A. They're very selfish, remember? Until they come out of their fog (if they ever do), they only care about their own feelings and nobody else's.

[karen43]

I didn't mean to imply that if SW took care of these certain tasks, then her H wouldn't find fault anywhere else and she'd be in the clear. These are just some things she can try to tackle. It becomes less fuel for him.

Yes, I didn't mean to imply one shouldn't try at all or do housework or whatever and work on improving oneself, but just that you can do that, and yes, I think some of our H's will still be unhappy and finding fault with something, anything as you suggest. I still am really working hard on cleaning and organizing the house, and will be painting this week (plan to do a couple of rooms that really need it) and I just bought new living room curtains today, etc., but I also expect that H will still be finding fault with whatever he can find in the house and with kids and pets, you can always be sure to find something! Karen