Hi HrH........these last couple of days sounds great! Keeping things light and fun....that is what I was talking about. When you have your backslid is when you get to thinking all is better b/c of the fun you all are having! Then you blow it by doing something to put pressure on her about the R. So, just don't go there. Keep it all as upbeat and fun as possible. If things between you and W start to "feel" the least bit tense.....you need to leave the house. Detach from her immediately when she is in a "mood" b/c that is when she will want to fight and some women will "bait" their H's until they draw him into a fight with her b/c she feels bitchy and wants to take it out on somebody (him). Detaching and knowing when to detach is very difficult, as I have already told you. As long as she is showing these good positive signs.....keep doing what you were doing. Michelle says to keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work and do something else.
Look at what you were doing when this fun started. You were being casual, not tense or stressed out. You were not trying to talk serious stuff with her.....just being relaxed with the kids. See....she got involved....right? She wanted in on the fun. If you go around moopy...she isn't going to want to be around you nor are the kids. You did as I suggested by spending time with the kids instead of following her around like a sad pup. That was such a good sign that she got in on the action!
When I gave you my little ...well okay (long)...speech about detaching etc. it was when you are pressing her, pushing her, pursuing her about a R with you. Every time you do that....she backs away from you. So, if you never get to talk to her again about the R....(tell yourself this in your mind)....as long as things are going better, then forget the R talks. As I said, tell yourself that...for now. Relax and have fun with the family.....but don't try to force her into it the fun, let it come naturally and go with the flow.
You can't help but get your hopes up when you have a good night like the one you described. Gee, I got excited just reading about it. I could see it all played out in my mind and it made me feel good and gave me lots of hope for you two. This is what I have been saying......let her see that you are fun! You don't have to be boring! You know how to be exciting! Let her see that you are much more attractive in every way than the OM. But, you have to be slick about it....lol. Pretend that wanting sex is the last thing on your mind. By pretending, I don't mean to say anything to her! I mean tell yourself that! Then your actions will relay the message and she will come closer to wanting you if she thinks you aren't interested in having sex. Just the craziness of it all.....can't explain it. Let me tell you a secret about women. Are you ready for this? Okay.....nothing drives a woman any crazier than for a man to act sooooo sexy and look sooo good and smell soooo good and just act suave and nonchalant......and act as if sex is the last thing he wants from her right then. Now you do remember how to do that, don't you H4H?
Who knows....one night you may wake up and she is making love to you....then go for it! If she acts like a bitch the next morning b/c she gave in and had sex with you.....detach. Move back away from her......leave the house. No phone calls, no emails, go do something that night to stay out of the house until almost bedtime. Act all innocent when you go home b/c you haven't done anything you wouldn't want anyone to know about....right? When home, give your attention to the others in the house and just treat her like you would be polite to a stranger until she gets out of that mood. If it last a week or more....continue to detach until she comes around. If she sees the family is going to have fun like you've just described....I don't think she will hold out long. Apparently she likes the playfulness, so I would use that to some advantage. Some H's can get their W's out of a bad mood by playfulness and teasing, etc. However, when in this sort of stitch, you have to be wise to know when and when not to. If humor is natural for you....use it. If not....maybe don't try it. Just my suggestion.
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Is it still pursuing if it is helping the R?
I wasn't sure in what context you meant this. You mentioned fixing her lunch. Have you always done this.....like forever? Or, did you just start doing it after the problems came along and the OM came on the scene? See, you have to be careful and know where to draw the line between being nice, polite,fun and upbeat, etc.......and then kissing ass. To me.....only when the R is back where it is suppose to be or you are at least back to "piecing the marriage back together again".....should you wait on her. (I don't think we ever reach a place we don't keep DBing.) Now, realize, I'm not talking about helping out with the kids, etc., but I'm talking about trying to do things hoping it is making "brownie points" with her. That is kissing ass. And, she knows it! That's the point....she knows it and it turns her off. So, unless she shows you that she really appreciates what you've done for her......don't do it any more! That would be my measuring stick to judge by. (Be prepared with an answer if she asks why you didn't do it.) Some women are downright spoiled and don't have the good sense to know it. But some men think they are trying to do all the right things when in reality it is all the wrong things.
I hope I haven't made it more confusing to you. There was a book written many years ago that probably the only place you might find it now would be in the local library. It was called the Man of Steel and Velvet.....or the other way around, I can't remember. But it was good b/c it explained how a man have to know when to be hard as steel and when to be soft as velvet toward his wife. We are very complex creatures......but that is what makes us interesting to all you men! Don't give up. I'm very proud of how you handled yourself. Just don't start calling and emailing, etc. and wait for her to do it first. In time, you can go back to doing that first for her, but for now.....let her "work" by making the contacts. Play a little hard to get.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
