For the guy with kids and WW II

[hopeful4her]

Basically, yes.

When I go shopping, I would usually buy her her favorite candy bar. Haven't done that in a while. Her complaining of neck ache, and me finding the Theragesic for her. While I am making S and my lunches, asking her if she wants me to make her a lunch. If I am going to watch a movie, asking her if she wants to join me. Making weekend plans for family and assuming she will be included. I don't mean expecting her to join and being upset if she doesn't. Preparing my coffee in the morning and making hers also.

I don't call her, unless I have to. I only let her call me. Do I wait for her call, yes. When she does call, I only take her cues and engage her after I see she wants to talk. At home, if I didn't ask on the phone, I ask how her day went and let her lead the conversation.

In nearly two months, I have sent her two non-family related texts. One was the invite to lunch that I should not have sent. The other was the funny one last Friday. In same time, I have sent her only one email. That was yesterday. I know that I have mentioned that I am starting to touch a little more when I talk to her. Just slight touches.

It just doesn't FEEL like I'm pursuing, but to everyone else here, it is.

Am I just blind or stupid?

BTW, just got another reply emial from the one I sent her yesterday:

Good Afternoon,

You are probably saying wow, she's actually replying back. Yeap, Had a
few minutes and I am thinking of Roast Beef today, I am going to cook it
when I get home today so we can eat it tomorrow.

Do you still need the VIN number? Here it is anyways *****************
1998 ISUZU RODEO S/LS

HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY, ITS BEEN KIND OF BUSY TODAY.

SEE YOU LATER


And "B" just called me on my cell and at work. Ignored both.

High road. High road. No more complications.

[attorneytom]

Hi H4H !

I have been lurking on your thread now for about 2 weeks and wanted to say hello. I personally think you are doing a great job and doing exactly what you need to do. YOU appear to have it down and together.

You know.. every situation and relationship is different.. even if they seem similar ? Keep it going man.. you seem to be breaking through the ice, eh ?

Hang in there buddy !

Tom

[karen43]

It just doesn't FEEL like I'm pursuing, but to everyone else here, it is.

Am I just blind or stupid?

I don't think either, but I do think, at least for me, it's easier to see what someone else here should be doing than in your own sitch for some reason. I generally feel clueless about my own sitch but here I am giving advice to you! Obviously you know you should only do the family-related emails or sometimes I do bill-stuff and emails like that which you really need to make and not chatty ones. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. So you could work on cutting those down to zero.

I would also say the touching sounds like pursuing, with the only exception being if your W complained you didn't/don't touch her enough as that would be a 180 for you. But I agree with Tom that you sound like you're doing a pretty good job. In one of the DR or Change your life books I know Michelle W-D puts it something like 2 or 3 steps forward and 1 step back, but I think the point is you are still making progress even if you aren't perfect. Karen

[hopeful4her]

Good Afternoon,

You are probably saying wow, she's actually replying back. Yeap, Had a
few minutes and I am thinking of Roast Beef today, I am going to cook it
when I get home today so we can eat it tomorrow.

Do you still need the VIN number? Here it is anyways *****************
1998 ISUZU RODEO S/LS

HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY, ITS BEEN KIND OF BUSY TODAY.

SEE YOU LATER

I just replied to her:

No, it's WOW!

I should have an insurance card for you tomorrow.

SEE YOU LATER, TOO! (it looks like you were yelling at me )


Again, the most emailing we have done in months.

[attorneytom]

It just doesn't FEEL like I'm pursuing, but to everyone else here, it is.

Am I just blind or stupid?

I don't think either, but I do think, at least for me, it's easier to see what someone else here should be doing than in your own sitch for some reason.

I would also say the touching sounds like pursuing, with the only exception being if your W complained you didn't/don't touch her enough as that would be a 180 for you. I think the point is you are still making progress even if you aren't perfect. Karen

I cant really tell from his history, Karen , whether that is a 180 or not ?.. but I agree .. He is working it ! She appears to be responding to him.. except when his emotions get the best of his sitch. Keep them in check and see what happens. If anything.. It would appear that SHE is pursuing him a bit ? Sort of a back and forth thingy ? Hard to tell at this point really..

Regardless H4H.. This is the hardest thing you will probably ever have to do in your life. YOU do have connections with your wife.. the church.. kids.. and also your extended family. I sense that this is going to work out.. just get past the OM.. and move along.

Tom

[hopeful4her]

Thanks Tom and Karen, appreciate your words.

The touching is not a 180 from the good old days. I am just trying to make a connection with her. When I say touching, I mean, when I tell her goodbye, just a slight touch of her arm. Not a squeeze. Just a touch.

It prob. looks like pursuing, but I call it trying to keep connected to her. No hugs.

Again, the email yesterday was THE first one in a couple of months.

As I am writing, she has already replied to my reply, again.

She said:

NO, I forgot to take my caplocks off.

I replied:

I was kidding, silly.




Ok, shouldn't have replied. I couldn't help myself. Thats my backslide?

Again, thanks and keep on keeping on.

[hopeful4her]

Ok, the word "thingy" cracks me up coming from a guy with attorney in his post name:) I really am laughing:)

And it has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Going on nearly 2 years, altogher.

[attorneytom]

Yes.. that does tend to do that. Hang in there !

Tom

[whatdidido]

h4h,

Be careful reading into the signs you see in your W. I was sometimes the most friendly with my H when he was the nicest to me. BUT, I continued on with the OM. Keep doing the 180s because the OM is showing her what is opposite of you and she is liking it.

DOn't push. That gave me the "ick" when my H did that.

[sandi2]

Hi HrH........these last couple of days sounds great! Keeping things light and fun....that is what I was talking about. When you have your backslid is when you get to thinking all is better b/c of the fun you all are having! Then you blow it by doing something to put pressure on her about the R. So, just don't go there. Keep it all as upbeat and fun as possible. If things between you and W start to "feel" the least bit tense.....you need to leave the house. Detach from her immediately when she is in a "mood" b/c that is when she will want to fight and some women will "bait" their H's until they draw him into a fight with her b/c she feels bitchy and wants to take it out on somebody (him). Detaching and knowing when to detach is very difficult, as I have already told you. As long as she is showing these good positive signs.....keep doing what you were doing. Michelle says to keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work and do something else.

Look at what you were doing when this fun started. You were being casual, not tense or stressed out. You were not trying to talk serious stuff with her.....just being relaxed with the kids. See....she got involved....right? She wanted in on the fun. If you go around moopy...she isn't going to want to be around you nor are the kids. You did as I suggested by spending time with the kids instead of following her around like a sad pup. That was such a good sign that she got in on the action!

When I gave you my little ...well okay (long)...speech about detaching etc. it was when you are pressing her, pushing her, pursuing her about a R with you. Every time you do that....she backs away from you. So, if you never get to talk to her again about the R....(tell yourself this in your mind)....as long as things are going better, then forget the R talks. As I said, tell yourself that...for now. Relax and have fun with the family.....but don't try to force her into it the fun, let it come naturally and go with the flow.

You can't help but get your hopes up when you have a good night like the one you described. Gee, I got excited just reading about it. I could see it all played out in my mind and it made me feel good and gave me lots of hope for you two. This is what I have been saying......let her see that you are fun! You don't have to be boring! You know how to be exciting! Let her see that you are much more attractive in every way than the OM. But, you have to be slick about it....lol. Pretend that wanting sex is the last thing on your mind. By pretending, I don't mean to say anything to her! I mean tell yourself that! Then your actions will relay the message and she will come closer to wanting you if she thinks you aren't interested in having sex. Just the craziness of it all.....can't explain it. Let me tell you a secret about women. Are you ready for this? Okay.....nothing drives a woman any crazier than for a man to act sooooo sexy and look sooo good and smell soooo good and just act suave and nonchalant......and act as if sex is the last thing he wants from her right then. Now you do remember how to do that, don't you H4H?

Who knows....one night you may wake up and she is making love to you....then go for it! If she acts like a bitch the next morning b/c she gave in and had sex with you.....detach. Move back away from her......leave the house. No phone calls, no emails, go do something that night to stay out of the house until almost bedtime. Act all innocent when you go home b/c you haven't done anything you wouldn't want anyone to know about....right? When home, give your attention to the others in the house and just treat her like you would be polite to a stranger until she gets out of that mood. If it last a week or more....continue to detach until she comes around. If she sees the family is going to have fun like you've just described....I don't think she will hold out long. Apparently she likes the playfulness, so I would use that to some advantage. Some H's can get their W's out of a bad mood by playfulness and teasing, etc. However, when in this sort of stitch, you have to be wise to know when and when not to. If humor is natural for you....use it. If not....maybe don't try it. Just my suggestion.

Is it still pursuing if it is helping the R?

I wasn't sure in what context you meant this. You mentioned fixing her lunch. Have you always done this.....like forever? Or, did you just start doing it after the problems came along and the OM came on the scene? See, you have to be careful and know where to draw the line between being nice, polite,fun and upbeat, etc.......and then kissing ass. To me.....only when the R is back where it is suppose to be or you are at least back to "piecing the marriage back together again".....should you wait on her. (I don't think we ever reach a place we don't keep DBing.) Now, realize, I'm not talking about helping out with the kids, etc., but I'm talking about trying to do things hoping it is making "brownie points" with her. That is kissing ass. And, she knows it! That's the point....she knows it and it turns her off. So, unless she shows you that she really appreciates what you've done for her......don't do it any more! That would be my measuring stick to judge by. (Be prepared with an answer if she asks why you didn't do it.) Some women are downright spoiled and don't have the good sense to know it. But some men think they are trying to do all the right things when in reality it is all the wrong things.

I hope I haven't made it more confusing to you. There was a book written many years ago that probably the only place you might find it now would be in the local library. It was called the Man of Steel and Velvet.....or the other way around, I can't remember. But it was good b/c it explained how a man have to know when to be hard as steel and when to be soft as velvet toward his wife. We are very complex creatures......but that is what makes us interesting to all you men! Don't give up. I'm very proud of how you handled yourself. Just don't start calling and emailing, etc. and wait for her to do it first. In time, you can go back to doing that first for her, but for now.....let her "work" by making the contacts. Play a little hard to get.

Take care.

Sandi