i'm clueless....

[Dom R]

Heya.. sorry it was a rough day yesterday.

Hopefully, some direction in what to do about things, will help you feel more positive, and pick your spirits up...

He likes kids. He will even spend time with them when he happens to be in a good mood and there is no actual responsibility involved. My issue is not as much his time, but how he treats them. I know you say i can't control how he treats them, but only how he treats me, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

Ann... you need to accept him as he is. You need to accept that sometimes, he feels like being around them.. and sometimes, he doesnt.
If he is doing something ACTIVELY harmful, then intervene... but if he merely isnt spending enough time/attention with them.. you have to accept it. because you are not going to change him.

If you see ways in which he could improve his relationship with your kids... by all means suggest it to him. But tell him one time; dont nag him, and drop all expectation that he will actually FOLLOW your suggestion.

He MIGHT change over time, by himself. He might not.
either way, for your own sanity, and the health of your family/marriage.. you need to just accept him the way he is, in that reguard.

Once you do that, you will feel better that the burden that "you have to fix him", is no longer on top of you.



-----

Maybe the problem is that I don't know how to explain what i want. How do i tell him i want him to be more considerate? I think all that will do is confuse him. I give him examples: (like last night for instance) that if i'm sitting down and he knows that I'm in pain (cause i told him) that maybe rather than asking me to get up, that he could just do it.

Yup. That's exactly what you need to do. Give him specific examples.

How do i tell him what i need help with when i mostly only need help because he's upset? I don't want to give him a chore list,

Give him a chore list :p

it's what most men need and understand.

Really.

Or perhaps putting it better:
DIVIDE up the chores... but in no way should it be "equally divided", because YOU ARE PREGNANT!!

You should probably point out to him, that from even a legal standpoint, you are officially "disabled" !
People get "disability leave" because of pregnancy!

So he has no right to expect that you do anything close to an "equal" amount of chores now.

I think i'm fairly reasonable. I don't need gifts and flowers and romantic dinners, i need him to be a little understanding and i need him to be more considerate.

BAH-hahahah....

yes, you're very reasonable... if you were talking to another female

Saying that to a GUY, though, is about as reasonable as if your husband saying, "I'm fairly reasonable... I just want a little sex when I want it. whenever I want it. she should show me she LOVES ME. that isnt asking for much, is it?"



It wasnt reasonable when he pushed you for sex at 1am. because you need to be ready for it. It would be best if he got over his "guy" thinking, and thought in terms of your needs.

Likewise, it isnt reasonable for you to "just want a little understanding, and more consideration"... because he has no idea what that means. It would be best if you finally let go of your "I shouldnt need to tell him/explain ...", and thought in terms of what HE needs, to understand what to give you, and how to give it to you.

HE needs examples. YOU need patience, in continuing to give him specifics, even when you think it should be "obvious"
'cause to him, it probably isnt obvious.

[Dom R]

PS: you seem sensitive enough to do this anyway, but just to cover all bases ...

When you tell him specifics about what you'd like to see, I dont mean to imply you should just bark at him, "this is what I need, now do it!"

Rather, I think you should stick with the theme of " i need you to be more understanding and considerate (...)", and then follow it up with, "and here is another way you can show me that..."

gentle, but clear, firm nudges, you might say.

[blindsided1]

Ann, just checking on you. How are things going?

[Tomato]

Ann .. I'd sure like to know how you are doing.

Have a great Mom's Day. You deserve it. I hope your H shows some real appreciation for the great Mom and W that you are.

Stay strong through Christ's love and peace.

[ann25]

i think things are getting better. H is spending less time playing games and has been more helpful with the girls a little bit.

I'm being patient with him cause he can't possibly understand how i'm feeling right now and that can't be easy for him. It is obvious he's putting in an effort, so that's good.

problem is that i'm still not feeling the way i should for him. i find myself feeling like i don't even want to be M anymore and that i just don't care. I'm going to hope that this is just me being tired and worn out and only having a week and a half left in this pregnancy. It doesn't much matter what it is, i'm just going to deal with that.

He's trying to be better and I'm trying to love him and want him. Still having problems with the intimacy stuff, but that's nothing new.

haven't been on here in a while because i just feel like i really don't deserve the help. I feel like i don't want to be M anymore and everyone here is fighting for that. anyways. i'm not giving up, maybe i'll feel differently in few months or so... or maybe never. As long as he's still willing to be there, I will be too, though! My girls deserve that. He does too...

Mother's day was interesting. I woke up pretty sick and had to clean up my house. h was tired so i let him sleep. we all went to the park with my mom and sisters and had a picnic and let the girls play. went home, slept. H actually watched the girls and started a bath for them. Spent the rest of my night doing homework. Not great, but i've had worse days. Just another day, really.

I hope you are all doing well.

[dh4320]

hey there chicka<<< a lot has changed for me, didnt know if you have read mine lately started a new thread.

[blindsided1]

Hi Ann,
I'm sorry you are feeling a bit gloomy about your M. You are almost ready to have this new baby. Put everything else out of your mind and just try and relax for the next week and a half. You have no idea where you will be (feelings-wise) after the baby is born. You are a pretty smart, level-headed woman that I have seen from the short time I've known you on this board. You'll do what is best for you and the family, whatever that may be. Am I pro-marriage? Definitely. But, only you know what is right for your sitch. You have a lot of fight in you. How much GAL do you do? I know it's hard being prego and all. But, do you have girlfriends you go out with? Or people to laugh with? Sounds like you need some YOU time. If H and M aren't what is making you happy right now, find something that does. I see you doing a lot for you H, maybe it's time to do for YOU occassionally. Make your happiness.

Wow, it would be great if I could take my own advice. Better at dishing it out than actually taking it.

[ann25]

Hey dh - i'll check out your thread. thanks for stopping by.

Hey blindsided... isn't it amazing how we can give advice, but they have no clue what to do for ourselves... hehe. I think there is just a lot going on and i need to do some stuff for me. The closer i get to the end of this pregnancy, the less i feel like doing, but i still have a bunch of responsibilities that i have to take care of, so the ME stuff is what gets left off the to do list. Hopefully i'll be able to have sometimes after baby comes. I'll be home for a couple months, so that will be nice.

[Tomato]

ann .. you came out of hibernation for a bit ..great.

"but i still have a bunch of responsibilities i have to take care of,"

I say use your helpmate. I forget how far along you are (i would probably know if you were around more often :)) but with your H showing some willingness to do some small things do not shy away from asking him nicely to take care of some of those responsibilities. There ougtha be something amongst that list which he could handle. Assign him something. Don't you know, that what us H's are for.

Honeydews are plenty good for you. Honey do's might even be as well:)

Stick around for a little while. Your good company and we could bounce some thought provoking stuff between each other.

We are one in the spirit, we are one in the Lord.
And they'll know we are Christians by our love.

[ann25]

Hey tomato - I'm having the baby next saturday, scheduled c-section.

i ask him for help, sometimes i get it, sometimes i don't. He's been better about helping with little things, which is nice and I do appreciate.

right now i don't really have the energy to argue with him about getting stuff done. for example: I'm taking next week off work to get stuff done around the house before the baby comes, so this week, since i haven't been feeling well, i've been doing just what needs to be done, rather than everything. Last night, he complains that one of his shirts that he needs isn't clean (although i asked what he wanted day before yesterday when i did laundry). I told him to throw it in the washer real fast last night and i would dry it for him this morning. he whined and complained and asked if i would just do it really fast. Now, i could have said no and told him that he needed to, but then i get to deal with his bad attitude. I'd rather just take the 5 minutes to do something than deal with that.

One thing he is getting much better at is spending time with the girls. He's taking D3 to an Angel game tonight and he held the little one when she got tired on our walk last night. I really appreciate that.

He's definitely been better. i guess i just kinda feel like i don't care. It might just be cause of the pregnancy winding down and not feeling well, but i just kinda feel like it doesn't matter. That's not his fault, that's mine... and i'm hoping that once i have this baby, i'll start feeling a little better about things.

I plan on sticking around.... just needed a break i guess.

ann