Almost a WAW, now piecing

[whatdidido]

I've been in the infidelity forum up until now. Thank God for the people in there. If it were not for them, I may not have have been strong enough to make the right choices.

You can look up my story. It was under the subject/topic "Anyone like me?".

In a nutshell, I almost walked away from my marriage of 12 years. I thought I didn't love my H, thought I loved an OM. I still hurt with thoughts of OM, but have stopped all contact and am working on my marriage.

Is there anyone in the same situation as me in here?

[klm]

Hey WDID, I have read bits and pieces of your thread. Did you get the book "not just friends?"

I am glad you are here.

[CBK]

WDID - glad to see you reopened a thread! All of us WAW guys miss you! I just bought Not Just Friends - would love to get W to read it, not sure how to yet, but I need to read first. I actually had to go to two bookstores to find it! Either they didn't publish a lot of them or there are a lot of folks like us!

Take care of yourself WDID!

CBK

[kat727]

OK, I miss you over with us but am glad you are here. I think you are such a good model for all of us. We all just wish our S would wake up like you did. I am feeling alot of anger right now, which is probably good since I was so mopey Saturday. Part of me just wants to get this over with even if I have to help him do it but then again I have always helped when he gets himself in a pickle. I just don't have time...just 5 weeks. Any ideas?
kat

[sandi2]

Hey sweetie, glad you made it. Now that you are here, I can tell you that your stitch and mine are very much alike....in fact...you almost got my title....Almost a WAW. I though that was kind of funny.

Well, I am older than you and I would be the last person on earth that anyone would suspect me of doing what I did. I grew up in a very strict religious home, married at 18 and have stayed M to the same man for many years. We were very different but I felt attracted to him....don't really know why, I think b/c he was quite and cute and kind of timid and I wanted to see what made him tick...lol. Well, that was cute at 22, but when you are nearly 60, it's not so cute anymore. He wouldn't talk and I grew up seeing my parents talk about everything. They would sit at the kitchen table and talk, they talked in the living room and even when they went to bed....although it was very soft talking. I thought that was what M was all about, but my H would not talk about anything. He would come in from work, eat supper and watch TV until bedtime. Oh he wanted sex all the time and me getting pregnant the second month of marriage didn't help there, nor living with his mother at the time! It's a long story, but over the years I tried really hard to make our M fun and exciting and fulfilled. But, he never fulfilled my emotional needs. I needed him to go to bed at the same time I did and cuddle and talk intimate talk to me and then make love. But, that wasn't what he did and he would not compromise. Somewhere along the way of this long story, I become more and more resentful of things in his family and things going on in our family and it took a toll on me as far as my sexual drive. In fact, I didn't feel like I had a sex drive at all. I decided that something was missing in me b/c I just didn't respond like those women on TV and I think my H thought that was the way I was suppose to act. Anyway, my life was very much a void in that area, so I tried to keep busy with raising the kids and being involved in church work. When one thing would play out or run its course, I'd try something else to fill my emptiness.

My age had never bothered me one bit, and then I was 59 and the big #60 was staring me in the face and boy did it hit hard. But in the meantime, I was playing games on the computer and learned how to "chat" while playing games. I also learned that a lot of men like to use those games as a tool to flirt and then get on the IM and allow things to go farther. I had a web cam and when they would see me they would tell me how beautiful I was etc. You know.....all those lies and I just ate it up. My ego was starved for all of that. I could tell them I was 40 and they believed it....or at least said so..lol. But it led to a lot of things that I had no business doing. It became an addiction and I didn't even realize it.

I got very careless and downright sloppy b/c I wasn't trying to conceal my contacts. I did not think my H knew enough about computers to find out what was going on. But he did and he confronted me about it. That was bad. He told me to go delete every person on my "friends" list and no more contact or he would throw the computer out the back door. So, I did delete all of them. I couldn't believe the loss I felt afterwards. Then a couple of nights later, I was on the computer and this one man came on line that had been on my list. I thought I had deleted him, so I don't know how he did it, but I clinged to him like glue. But, my H continued to snoop and he knew everything I ever said to the OM. The big blow-up came about two weeks after Valentine's day a year ago. If I had had the money to live on my own, I would have walked away. But, I didn't have the money and I didn't want to stay with my mother b/c I wanted to be free. Anyway, it's too long of a story.....if you want to read it you can get my thread. But the thing is, my H's actions caused me to cling to the OM much more. It would have faded out and never even turned into an EA if my H had stayed out of it. My H started smothering me after years of neglect and I felt like I could not breathe. So, I told him to back off or I was leaving......and he did. But getting over OM is very hard to do.

I read in one of your post that you heard someone say it took about three weeks to get over an EA with OM. I think it was three months....not three weeks. However, I was just like you and was working toward that mark on the calendar thinking that when that three months was up, I would be fine and back to normal. I was wrong. I still grieved for the OM after three months. I would think about him and wondered if he was doing ok. I went to bed (alone for 22 years) and would fantasize about OM. That was the hardest part to get over.....the fantasy. I had such a fantasy of him rescuing me from my miserable life. He was in a place of "power" (sort of) and told me he would come get me and take care of me. He told me every thing I wanted to hear. I was so hooked. He certainly was my drug and I could hardly get through a day without a fix.

So, I told you all that so you would know that if anyone can understand what you are feeling and what you are trying to do....it is me. And, don't be so hard on yourself when you catch yourself thinking of OM sometimes, b/c it will take longer than what "they" said. I don't know who came up with that three months thing....but it depends on how long the EA went on. If it turns into a PA.....then it takes a much longer time to get over that. I can't imagine trying to get over a PA when it was so hard getting over the EA.

Anyway, I see by the clock that I need to get ready for bed. Just wanted to give you a very short version of my story and let you know I'm right here with you.

Sandi

[NikB]

Sandi from the title I thought at first it was your story!

WDIDO soo glad to see you here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

fyi, the numbers I've always heard are "3-4 weeks for HARD withdrawal, and 6 to 18 months for total withdrawal."

Puppy

[Frank V]

I think the withdrawal will vary depending on three variables :

1. The intensity of the relationship (PA, EA)
2. The duration of that same relationship (one night stand, long term affair, etc).
3. The efforts betrayed spouse, unfaithful spouse, and OP are in reinforcing the no contact rule and bringing the betrayed spouse back into the heart of the unfaithful spouse.

I read the average affair lasts only six months and then dies out...so that 3-4 weeks and 6 to 18 months is likley for the average affair of intensity and duration.

I wouldn't rely on that measurement as an indicator in any affair, its likely at best a ballpark...

Obviously, the third variable is the only one you really have control over. Each spouse can make it easy on their partner who is going through withdrawal, OR more difficult.

So, WhatdidIdo, your husband can make great strides here for you if he follows "Not Just Friends" and other advice. I honestly think the withdrawal can be quite easy if the spouse helps, or a real torture if the spouse isn't supportive.

Lets focus on the last variable guys, that one is perhaps the most powerful of the three, AND its one we have control over. Do'nt think withdrawal is just a stage where you sit around and wait...withdrawal is an opportunity to bond again. Your partner's hurting - HELP them and be the friend they need you to be.

WhatDidIDo, i think you could be a great benefit to spouses who are still on the fence or who are having an affair. You spending time with them counselling them on how rewarding returning to your spouse can be. How morally liberating and how uplifting it is to have a mountain of stress tossed away. You really could help a lot of people and help yourself at the same time.

have a great day guys.

[whatdidido]

Klm- still working on getting that book. AFter today, I will for sure.

cbk- thanks for checking in. I always smile when I read your posts to me.

Kat- I will be in the other thread once in a while it seems. Like today. you'll see my post. As for advice for you, be the best person you can be, for YOU. If he said he is leaving you, don't do anything for him at all. Be great all by yourself, and definitely don't show mopiness....I hated that. Do the 180s and focus on YOU. That will be attractive to your H and might allow him to reconsider. If not, it is the "fog". Just remember that. He will eventually see clearly. Meanwhile, you get yourself where you want to be whether he is with you or not.

sandi- You and I are going to be tight. I can tell already. THank you for giving me your story in a nutshell. WHen I have time I will have to read up on your thread. Check out my post in the other forum again. Hard day today. Advice?

NikB- thanks for the warm welcome

Puppy- Looks like it will be at least 18 months for me. Did it take that long with your W?

Mark-Yep, after today and having to contact him. I'm back at day 1. Again, I need to get that book. I think I'll try to get it tomorrow.

Oh, and Mark...here is my list so far:
1. He said he made sure to not get involved until the divorce was final in his situation. Yet, he got involved with me even though my divorce was not final.

2. He came to my house the first time, wouldn't take off his shoes at first, and said "I feel guilty for some reason."

3. He never asked to come to my house because I didn't want my neighbors to see him because I wasn't divorced yet. If I was certainly going to divorce, and it was "ok", he should have known that it was "ok" for others to see me and him together.

4. He asked if I would ever go back to my husband if I had the chance and I said, "If he would ever go to counseling which he never would do."

5. He was a secret.

[Frank V]

Excellent stuff wdid :)!

Again, I am not trying to paint him into a monster, the object here is to have HIM not look as loving as your husband has been.

Add more to this list if you can, but I think you are starting to see some human in this OM now, which will help dispell the fantasy and the thinking about him. If you DO find yourself thinking about him, go back to this list and work on it more.

Now try to make a list of how your husband has been warm and loving to you (as warm and loving as can be expected) during this situation.

For example, despite your participation in 1 - 5 above, your husband loves you and wants you back in his heart and his life.

I think if you work in that list, and the one you started above, you will start to find your husband to be the one you think about more and the OM increasingly less. Ask yourself if your husband would do any of the items in 1 to 5 with someone?

You could also consider working on a short letter to women who are having affairs or who are wanting to leave their affair, and a short letter to the OP in affairs, tell them what you think about what they are doing, and how much better life would be for them if they ended the affair and the unfaithful spouse worked on their relationship.

Its just a generic letter, but it may help you build some reinforcement for yourself at the same time. If you post it here, someone may even read it and benefit..its a win win.