If the "ex" Wants to Have "The Talk"

[Creed]

Interesting question. I've thought alot about this in the past couple of months. More about what I would want out of it than what xh might want out of it.

If he called to ask to get together, I would ask that any conversation be done by phone..and I would ask that he respect my request. I would not ask what it was about. After all, if it's a subject where old things are rehashed, it's pretty darn easy to just hang up the phone. That would certainly get the point across that you're not interested in hashing up any hurtful blaming.

If he respected my request, and a time and date was agreed upon for the phone conversation, I would be curious to hear what he needs to talk to me about. Notice I say 'need'..because it is still about THEIR needs..not ours. I'll admit, I'd be real curious to know what's on his mind.

If he wanted to rehash..I'd hang up. If he wanted to apologize, I'd accept his apology, as I'm trying to honestly forgive him anyway, and if he shows remorse, all the better. If he wanted to try to explain himself, I would listen...as long as he wasn't trying to 'excuse' his behavior. Explain , yes..that means he might have seriously been delving into why he behaved the way he did.
Find excuses for what he did....no, I don't care to listen to the blame game again...heard it once...don't need to hear it again. And truthfully, it's about time that I apologize for a few things that I know I was responsible for. Nothing is ever one-sided..and that means problems in a marriage, too.

If he wanted to feel me out about how I felt about him, I would be honest. I always have been. I love him, I haven't liked him or respected him in a long, long time. Would I consider being his friend. I'm pretty picky about who I call a 'friend', and I'd expect him to have the same qualities I'd want in a friend..and he'd have to show that he did/could possess those qualities. It's hard to be a friend to someone when they don't respect you or honor the relationship.

Honestly, I don't know that I could just be a 'friend' to xh after being married 30 years. So...I'd have to really think about that one...which means many, many phone convos before meeting in person for a face to face.


This is all in theory anyway. XH, as far as I know, is still mixed up with OW, although he has mentioned to our son that he wants her out of his apartment. I don't want to be exposed to xh talking about his relationship problems with OW. It's his problem, not mine. And he'll have to deal with it on his own..I won't /can't help him deal with it. I also know that relationship with OW is not going to just go cold after they've been together for more than a few years. I'm not going to be his 'bandaid', like she was his when he wanted a D.

So...would I talk to him? Definitely, yes! Would it be on his terms? Definitely, no! Would I let him talk about whatever he wanted to? No! Would I listen more than I would talk? Yes. I think I would like to really listen to what he has to say, and for the first time in a long time, just zip my lip. I think it would be quite interesting.

I'm at a place in my life now that I know I can exist, emotionally, on my own...so I know I won't 'die' if xh is never in my life again. But I do remember very good things about our past years together, and I would be interested in seeing if any of that has been thought about during his whole crisis. I would like to know if he ever looked back, and wondered...you know?

We can't change anything about them...that's for sure. But we can be there for them if they want to change. No one can change another person (how many of us thought that when we married our x-spouses)... I truly believe only God can do that. And I think He's perfectly capable of doing that to each and everyone of our WASs if that is His will, and we faithfully pray that someday the WASs will open to His beckoning. But they have to get to the place that they are looking for Him because they know they are lost.

I'm still believing in my Lord to yell so loud at xh, that he can do nothing but listen. I pray everynight for that to happen. Firstly, for xh...second for our sons...and if God willing our broken family.