Maybe Last Thread in Separating, Found DB 2 Late

[MichelleLT]

Well, I guess you are stuck with either trying to guess his password or having the L ask him or his work for a recent statement.

You can also casually inform him that you need a copy and ask him to log in a print one out. Do it calmly, businesslike. If he gets angry just say "nevermind".

[GoingForward]

You can also casually inform him that you need a copy and ask him to log in a print one out. Do it calmly, businesslike. If he gets angry just say "nevermind".

I like Michelle's approach here.

Either way, whether he likes it or not, he does have to disclose this information. He can make it very simple by just giving it to you himself, or he can rack up the L fees.

(((((((cw)))))))

[cw68]

OK, just called him and left a voice mail. Very glad he didn't pick up. The message was simple, and I didn't sound angry or anything, just asked him if he could get me a snapshot of his work 401k today, that he could either email it to me or fax it.

I'd really, really like to know how to log into his work benefits account though. H travels a lot and I want to document just how often to let this help determine custody. I don't want to keep the kids from him or anything at all like that, but I need to know that he actually can do whatever custody he proposes. The kids need stability right now and I don't want them to think they are going over to Dad's on Tuesday and then Dad has to go out of town. Of course I realize that this will happen occasionally, but it can't happen often or the kids are going to get shafted, whether they feel that work is more important to Dad than them, or if they take their frustrations out on me because they don't get to see him like they thought.

Just got back from the kids' school and S5's kinder teacher came over to me. She said that yesterday S5 was sitting quietly, on task as usual, but staring off into space. He turned to her and said, "My parents are getting divorced" and then got up to go to the bathroom. She said she was sorry and that her heart broke for me a little bit.

[cw68]

Wow, he's quick. Got a response back with his 401k log in within seconds of leaving the voice mail. Unfortunately, it's not his work log in, but the actual company that holds his 401k. Good enough though. Printed and filed already.

This SUCKS the big wad.

[MichelleLT]

(((cw))) Just focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself. You are not closing the door yet, but you do need to take care of things.

I am glad he was cooperative about it.

I am very sorry to hear about your S though.

[cw68]

I'm feeling sad and powerful today. I posted this on my myspace page earlier:

"So I'm free. My husband said our marriage was over, that there's no chance. It was the worst Mother's Day ever, but perhaps in the end he gave me a gift after all.

I know that I deserve to be happy. I deserve someone who is committed to me and my family. My bad in thinking that H was that person. He's been telling me since July he wasn't and I just didn't listen. I guess that I thought deep down he understood what commitment was all about, but in the end I was wrong. I deserve someone who is willing to fight the good fight, to not let negatives prevail and who can ultimately do the right thing. Well, you know what? I have that person. That person is me.

The rest of my life starts now."

[Kalni]

Hi cw68,

it's the first time on your thread but we have "met" over at Michelle's. I am very sorry to read your H thinks there is nothing "there" anymore.

I wish you to find the inner peace and strength to come out of this happier and stronger.
Our kids have almost the same age (6,5-5,5). I know how defficult it is. Take care of you and them and try to find positives in everything that life will bring to you.

Stay strong. "When a door closes, a window ALWAYS cracks open."
Take care
Kalni

[Sara]

Or as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love....."Because God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout Cookies..." If you haven't read that book yet, CW, you should.

[MichelleLT]

I love Girl Scout Cookies. I'm out. I hope I get some out of my stitch!

(((cw)))

[cw68]

Hi Kalni, welcome to my thread. I read yours regularly. I wish I were going through this situation in Greece. hehehe More seriously, it is next on my list of countries I want to visit.

And, I have a box of girl scout cookies left! Thin mints. I might have to open them...

Roller coaster, roller coaster.

H and I spoke tonight. I intended it to be a simple, quick convo about the kid logistics. S5 proposed this to me tonight:

S: Mom, you could do four days and Dad four days each week.
Me: There's only seven days in a week.
S: I know that. You have us Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Weds. Dad has us Weds, Thurs, Fri and Saturday. You each get half on Weds. That's seven days.

Smart cookie. It made me so sad, though, to realize that I'm going to have to miss so much of their lives, live so much without them because it's in their best interest to see their father more than the current arrangement we have. This arrangement has worked fine because we spent so much time together as a family, they saw their father so much more than just during his time.

S5 was upset and I called H so they could talk. I told them I needed to talk to them when they got off. It wasn't a short conversation. In fact, it was probably one of the deepest, most honest and open conversations we've had in a long time.

To sum it up (not) quickly, I told H about my realizations today regarding me always being here for me. He said he wasn't surprised, that I was an inherently strong and centered person. I told him how freaked I was that I'm not going to be with my kids so much in the future, that I feel my job, my purpose is being taken away. H responded that he understood, but that I stopped "just" being a SAHM a long time ago and that I'm very multi-layered. (This from the guy who last fall said that I had a lot of smarts I wasn't using by staying home.) I told him that while I felt horrible, I didn't feel as bad as I did back in July when everything was a shock. This didn't shock me, he's been telling me this since then and I refused to really believe it.

He said that he didn't know what he was saying back in July when he dropped the bomb and said he wanted out, that he didn't know back in January when he moved out. Said that if he really wanted/needed to walk away from us, he would have. Next he mentions that it's not that there isn't any hope left and that taking a few days like I suggested Sunday was a good idea. I meant it in that I couldn't talk to him, he took it as a suggestion to think. He said he's doing horribly, that he's at the bottom. Well, actually that on Sunday he was at the bottom, he's a little better than then, but that the past ten months were necessary. That we both have used them as growth periods and we needed it. Then he said that I/us really isn't at the bottom of all of this, he is. He said that the past ten months he's been pretending like he hasn't been listening because he really didn't want to, but that I said a lot of things that made him think.

I was able to validate during this whole time. The first part of the conversation was him listening to me, then it turned into me listening to him. DBing becomes a way of life, I guess, it wasn't like I was purposefully doing it. We then both cleared up a few miscommunications we have between us.

I told him I was seeing a lawyer on Monday, but that I wasn't filing, that divorce wasn't what I wanted. I asked when he was going to see one. He said he wasn't planning on it at this time, mentioned that the county has some seminar he wanted to attend. Then he said he understood if I couldn't wait and wanted to move. I reminded him that I wasn't going to do that, that I think a divorce would just make more problems without solving the ones we are dealing with.

I took this time to tell him that I am committed to him, to us. That I realize that while I wish this was all different, I realized he had to follow his own path. Lastly, I told him that I meant this in a sincere way, not trying to project my own wishes upon the situation, but that I didn't want him to do something he would end up regretting. That I know the man I met ten years ago, and the man he was just a few years ago, would regret throwing it all away and that I believed that man is bigger than he gives himself credit for. Told him I really wish him to be happy, not to just do what I want him to do.

He thanked me for the conversation and we both agreed it was one of the best we've had in a long while.

Does it change anything? IMO, no. But I'm feeling better.