You do see quite a lot of posts around the various boards where people comment about the WAS thinking the changes aren't genuine or won't last. I think that was just avoided in my sitch by the timing.
From my experiences, as you know, I agree with the 'tough love' approach - but if it had backfired on me I bet I wouldn't be saying that. I would still have taken the tough approach even if I had found out early in the A. I would rather be without someone than have them cake eat - to me it would just be letting them continually yank my chain - and I ain't letting any guy do that to me!!! However, I have the luxury of saying that from where I now sit......I am old enough now to know to say never say never about most things. Until you get to a certain position, you never REALLY know how you will act.
One thing I do feel is, that if you accept your S having an A and they know you will wait for them, why should they ever make a decision. Cake eating must just seem too good to be true sometimes.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
A year ago, I would have said that I had a lot of regrets....now, I would hardly say any. I think my one and only regret would be not living for myself and that happened long before my X started having an affair. I lived for him....I did what he wanted when he wanted....I was always worried about him being upset with me or unhappy. I've now realized that is no way to live.....you need to live for yourself....do things you want to do....say what you think. My X was broken and still is. He broke my heart, but he did not break me or my spirit.....that's the difference between he and I and that's the reason that I survived this...the reason that I rose above it....the reason I took the high road....and the reason that I turned into a better person while he pointed fingers and blamed everyone else for his problems and unhappiness....and still is.
In so many ways our sitch's are the same, but then again they are so different....so many factors and in the end it all depends on the character of the people involved....the WAS, the LBS, and the OP.
Did I handle things the best....probably not. I did some begging, crying, and pleading but I also did some tough love all while showing more patience than I ever thought possible. Sure I put up with a lot of sh$t....I was treated worse than a lot of people could ever imagine....I laid on the floor in my house hysterically crying more times than I should have, but I'm still here 8 months post-D and standing on my own two feet. My marriage ended, but I did things the way I needed to so I could look at myself in the mirror and know I did all I could. I'm not going to lie, I still sit here today wondering what if the OW was someone different....what if he would have listened to one of the hundred people that told him that he was making a mistake....what if OW wouldn't have gotten "accidentally" pregnant....maybe things could have worked out for us, but as time passes, I'm coming to the realization that things weren't supposed to work. My X and I were high school sweethearts. We had amazing chemistry and made each other more well-rounded people, but in the end that was all we had. He really is broken....I'm not....that is the reason that we are no longer together. I was happy with him....he wasn't happy with just me....he needed more. When we couldn't get pregnant, he went looking for more. He thought he found it, but in reality he didn't and he knows that...he's still an empty shell of a man walking around and now has brought an innocent child into this world. His affair was about him....the life he lives is the one he chose.....I don't believe that the things that I did or didn't do had much (if not any) impact on the way my story ended.
Time passes....people change....some for the better some for the worse. I made a committment to my X....that is why I stuck it out for 8 months while he was having an affair and living with OW. I never once said it was okay. I told him that he couldn't live in our house days after he disclosed the affair and refused no contact....he moved out the next day and never came back for more than a few days here or there. I did not shut the door on our marriage....but I refused to pretend that things were okay. I told him I WAS NOT GOING TO LIVE WITH HIM LIKE THIS....and that was the truth and I'm glad I said it. I've said many other things to him that I'm glad I did....he probably doesn't remember them, but I needed to say them for myself. I wrote him letters which I know we weren't supposed to do, but once again I needed to do it for myself.
We have been separated for a year and half now and if people would see us today, they wouldn't have ever believed that we were married. I married him because I loved him....I stuck it out for months while he was carrying on an affair because I promised to be with him through better and worse. I would have taken him back and he probably would have had another affair, so that is the reason that I say my sitch was one that wasn't meant to be. God has different plans for me and I wouldn't have realized that on my own....that's the reason that my marriage was not given a second chance. Some marriages are meant to be saved....some aren't. Some people can become better after this....some can't. The only person you can control or change is yourself....so start there and let the rest work itself out.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Thanks Puppy. Sorry for the long post (I tend to ramble on sometimes), but I wanted people to know that there is life on the other side. Things might not turn out the way that you planned, but give it your all and hopefully, you won't have any regrets.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Thanks sgc. Puppy referred me to check out some history - now I see why.
I too wish (as I think H4U said) I would have contacted OM right out of the gate. He was such a wimp on the phone. Couldn't believe it. Maybe I wouldn't have been through the wringer as much as I have been. But it takes a while to go through the NMMNG transformation.
I have not waivered from my "stubborn" approach. I have been firm in my "I do not want out, do not want to break up our family, am not leaving and ask you to do the same" stance. I am glad of this, but as of yet, no real results in the sitch.
The results have been in ME. And personally I think they are great. Friends have also commented as such. And really, that is the first step - isn't it?
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
The results have been in ME. And personally I think they are great. Friends have also commented as such. And really, that is the first step - isn't it?
As much as it sucks to be in this situation lost, to find yourself is a pretty precious gift.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Amen to that! Its scary as hell, but sometimes its pretty damn exciting too. There are days that I catch a glimpse of the old, ok...very old me and I'm glad shes back. Shes a pretty cool chick.
Some of the best things in life are "out of the comfort zone" though...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
