Hanging On To What I Believe In - 2

[ba065]

Hi Guys!

Thanks for all of your posts and words of encouragement. It really means alot to me.

I will get through this week...I know I will...I just hope that I can do it gracefully. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm ready to blow!

H had the nerve to ask me last night what I think about all of this mess....and how I can act like everything is going to be alright or is fine when we have an "episode" the day before. I asked him how I was supposed to act...he didn't have an answer. I told him that even though I want him to be happy, my biggest fear was that if he left, he would be happy and that he would end up leaving for good.....then after I said it....I thought to myself...well that's pretty dumb...if he's happier away, why would I want him to come back anyway? He asked me a few more questions and then he mentioned moving to the townhouse again. I simply said...well if that's what you think you need to do, then I guess you should do it....but you had better make sure it's what you really want...because there are no guarantees on you coming back....and he replied...what's that supposed to mean? I just told him, that I thought he would be making a huge mistake and that he may regret the decision down the road....but I didn't know where I would be "mentally" if he changed his mind. He knows I love him with all of my heart but if he's willing to risk losing it all...there are no guarantees that I will be the same mindset if he decides to come back.

I have detached alot in the past month...it still hurts alot...

He crawled in my bed this morning and cuddled up next to me...what message is that sending? A different message than our conversation last night was about. Thus the confusion on my part to understand if he is staying or going...if he loves me or not...he says he does all the time...but he still tells me he loves MOW.

In his mind MOW has nothing to do with us. According to him, my H loves her...but she will never leave her H (who still has no clue). So if he leaves...it will be to be alone. Only H and MOW still have lunch everyday, and coffee nearly every night...the still talk on the phone and leave each other sweet little love messages...it makes me sick. The alone part will come every evening about 7 pm...when she is with her H...or on weekends when her H is home....That's when he will be contacting me to go out for dinner...or bike ride...or go to church...separated people do not do those things together. Separated people do not cuddle in bed every morning...

H's favorite answer for everything is the typical "I don't know"...I don't ask alot of questions anymore...I already know his answers...his confusion is still as prevelent as ever...it's just that my patience is wearing thin.

I'm not giving up...but I am weary.

Hugs guys! I miss talking with all of you! As always you are in my thoughts and prayers!