the last couple of days, as I've said, I've been really looking at the marriage as a whole. As I've stated, he's never been there for me emotionally and I always felt "alone" to a degree in the marriage. but I let that slide because he always made me laugh and was/is a great father and paid the bills on time, etc.
I accepted "crumbs" basically. So yes, it bothers me that he is with OW. I NEVER in a million years thought he would even be capable of doing something like that. he used to make FUN of guys who f'd up their lives by doing that. We were always on the same page in terms of strongly believing and feeling how lucky Isabella was to have TWO parents together. We talked about that all the time.
It's just a shock in terms of the complete character change. But in reality, (I have a great therapist), he's always lied in the marriage (not about affairs), but other things and again, he inability to express or receive any kind of emotion (except during sex) kind of points to where we are now. Not that I didn't play a part. I KNOW that my depresson and anxiety of last fall was the final nail that helped him to cross the line.
So what's interesting to me NOW is that I'm not even sure I want him back! And it's not even about the affair, I think I could forgive him if we had MC. It's about the4 other stuff I just talked about. He is NOT the type of guy to EVER go to IC, not in a million years and I think I would have to require that in order for me to feel like he can see his part in what led him astray.
The things that make me sad now are just the little things. Upstate New York is fab for yard sales and auctions and we hit every one we could last summer. I see yard sale signs and think of him. Or driving in the car and hearing a song that he loves. just stupid stuff like that. I miss his sarcastic humor (he makes me laugh so hard), but other than that, I'm finding that since he was really so detached emotionally since pretty much right after the first few months of dating, my life is pretty much the same.
anyway, thanks for letting me journal. still have a problem that he took ow to buy a new car (for himself) on Friday when I was supposed to go (I got our "old" on -- it's only 3 years old, mine died). He lied to me about it of course, but the salesman let it slip when he called the house because h forgot something and the salesman needed some info.
I don't know why THAT is the one thing about ow that kills me. she was next to him in a chair at the car dealership helping him pick out a car. That was always MY job.
It's now 11:22 a.m. EST. I'm crying now. I saw a picture of us at our wedding reception (it was in a drawer, just kind of 'sitting' there). He looked so gorgeous (he has these amazing eyes and jet black hair), and I was pregnant with Isabella (yes, shot-gun wedding, but we were so in love).
I was doing so much better last couple of days. To the point where I didn't even think I wanted him back! Was feeling kind of exited about my future.
I guess this is the roller-coaster everyone talks about. God, it hits you out of nowhere, doesn't it? And it just a double-whammy knowing that he is "so in love" with ow (his words) and I KNOW it's not about ow, but it's so f'ing painful. She's replaced me. I can remember SO clearly when he was crazy about me. I had never been chased by anyone like he chased me. Never. I wasn't even that interested at first. But his wit and loyalty won me over.
The roller-coaster sucks, but just hold on and ride it out. Don't try and make sense of things that make no sense. Do something nice for yourself today and continue to believe in yourself. Stay excited about you future, you control that and it will be what you make it. Hang in there!
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Yep, it's a roller coaster for sure. Keep focusing on the positive, and those times will last longer and longer.
Be really careful about those assumptions OK? They'll drive you crazy.
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anyway, thanks for letting me journal. still have a problem that he took ow to buy a new car (for himself) on Friday when I was supposed to go (I got our "old" on -- it's only 3 years old, mine died). He lied to me about it of course, but the salesman let it slip when he called the house because h forgot something and the salesman needed some info.
Hmm. On Friday you said you called the place to "check on" the sale (which sounded more like checking up on your H).
And how do you know it was OW? It could have been a co-worker (non-OW co-worker) or something too. Making up scenarios in your head will also drive you nuts.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
thank you jws. God, this couldn't suck more. Even though after doing some serious looking at the marriage that I know I wasn't happy myself for a long time due to his emotionally closed nature, I miss the f'ing little things!! just sitting watching t.v., taking turns running upstairs to handle Isabella's crying or destroying her room. Talking about the funny things Isabella just said or did, "daddy, I can't get up for school right now because I have to stretch!". just crazy, little things like that. how do you get past that? you can't just go to the store and find another person just like that to go on with, you know? these things were unique to HIM and I guess I'll never have that again. I wanted SO BADLY to raise Isabella together (my parents divorced) and that's what I ALWAYS thought he wanted too.
I don't know if i should keep db'ing or what. I feel like calling him right now and begging him to come home. I know that's sick given how healthy I sound in above posts, but this whole thing has been sick since day one of "bomb" end of feb. I don't know who he is right now. i really don't.
Mary - don't rewrite history like your H did. It's worth looking at the M, but not rewriting it in your head until it was some horrible M.
And it could ABSOLUTELY "suck more." A LOT more. Look at all the positive, good things that you have in your life. You have your daughter who is normal and healthy, your own health, a home to live in, career prospects... so much more. Stop the pity party.
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I don't know if i should keep db'ing or what.
Why on earth would you NOT "keep DB'ing"? DB'ing is focusing on you, doing what works, making your future better. You want to do the opposite????
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I feel like calling him right now and begging him to come home.
You want to chase him farther away? Why?
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I don't know who he is right now. i really don't.
So quit focusing on him, and focus on you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Be strong and don't quit, you are doing the right things. What you are doing is not just the right thing for you but also for Isabella. You said that you don't know who he his right now, I would imagine that her does not know him self either. You cant predict how he would react to you because he is a different person. The only thing you can do with him is leave him alone and let him figure it out.
I know what you mean about the little things because they are killing me too. for now let the memories of good times be your strength not weakness, and work on creating new little things for yourself. There is so much in your world right now that is beyond your control. You need to surrender to that, and not think about anything outside of your control. You just shower Isabella with your love and focus on that R.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
thanks nik -- I'm sick today (feel fluish) and I had to wrap Isabella in a blanket last night at 3AM and put her in the car so I could get medicine. Made me so sad.
god, this sucks. I feel sick today and have cried all f'ing day. I SO badly just want things to be how they were only 4 months ago (before bomb). God, my biggest problems were things like blowing off work and having to make up an excuse.
It's like I've entered another world. I don't know who I am anymore. I only know misery. Yes, little moments with Isabella or friends do help, but in general, just plain misery.
I feel SO replaced. H acts like he couldn't care less about the whole thing. he shows SOME remorse with regards to Isabella, but me? Like yesterday's news. Like I'm nothing.
