the last couple of days, as I've said, I've been really looking at the marriage as a whole. As I've stated, he's never been there for me emotionally and I always felt "alone" to a degree in the marriage. but I let that slide because he always made me laugh and was/is a great father and paid the bills on time, etc.
I accepted "crumbs" basically. So yes, it bothers me that he is with OW. I NEVER in a million years thought he would even be capable of doing something like that. he used to make FUN of guys who f'd up their lives by doing that. We were always on the same page in terms of strongly believing and feeling how lucky Isabella was to have TWO parents together. We talked about that all the time.
It's just a shock in terms of the complete character change. But in reality, (I have a great therapist), he's always lied in the marriage (not about affairs), but other things and again, he inability to express or receive any kind of emotion (except during sex) kind of points to where we are now. Not that I didn't play a part. I KNOW that my depresson and anxiety of last fall was the final nail that helped him to cross the line.
So what's interesting to me NOW is that I'm not even sure I want him back! And it's not even about the affair, I think I could forgive him if we had MC. It's about the4 other stuff I just talked about. He is NOT the type of guy to EVER go to IC, not in a million years and I think I would have to require that in order for me to feel like he can see his part in what led him astray.
The things that make me sad now are just the little things. Upstate New York is fab for yard sales and auctions and we hit every one we could last summer. I see yard sale signs and think of him. Or driving in the car and hearing a song that he loves. just stupid stuff like that. I miss his sarcastic humor (he makes me laugh so hard), but other than that, I'm finding that since he was really so detached emotionally since pretty much right after the first few months of dating, my life is pretty much the same.
anyway, thanks for letting me journal. still have a problem that he took ow to buy a new car (for himself) on Friday when I was supposed to go (I got our "old" on -- it's only 3 years old, mine died). He lied to me about it of course, but the salesman let it slip when he called the house because h forgot something and the salesman needed some info.
I don't know why THAT is the one thing about ow that kills me. she was next to him in a chair at the car dealership helping him pick out a car. That was always MY job.
