Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Angelica,

You are helping, believe me and I appreciate it more than you can ever know. I just got home from work and need to take S13 to karate. He is getting changed so I wanted to drop a quick note back.

I hate self-pity. Really I do! I hate melodrama too so look where I am.....good grief! It's more of a self-loathing thing that being melodramatic. I just don't see anything in me that would ever be attractive to another soul. It's just a matter of knowing my limitations and knowing how fortunate I was to ever have met my H in the first place. I'll find a way to get on, I'm sure of it, but this is just so much pain and agony.

Truly, I have all the help my family can afford, which is none. My mom won't allow someone other than me to take her to and from dialysis except in case of emergency. Of course, my slipping sanity could be considered an emergency! I have other family here and they have offered to help with her but that hasn't worked out at all. They all have busy lives and are on the run constantly. Pinning one of them down to commit to taking her is virtually impossible. People like to offer, they just don't like to follow through. I guess that's why I just do it all myself. I stopped asking for help because it never came through.

I went through Divorce Care over the last 13 weeks and it was a wonderful support. I really feel like I bonded with a few of the women in the group. They are really great and I would like to get together with them again now that our group has ended. Maybe that would be a start to finding a new life for myself. I just get a WHOLE LOT of guilt from my mom whenever I leave the house and I'm not going to work or taking S13 to karate. Those seem to be the only times I can leave without her getting whiny.

I'm working on the sleep thing. I have Ambien but I hate to take it. I'm usually just so wired in the evenings and my brain is always in overdrive at night. It makes it impossible to fall asleep. When I do start to relax and close my eyes I have visions of my H and OW together laughing at me, having a grand old time together. H playing with her son and forgetting all about ours.

On my way home tonight I realized that I had a VM on my cell. It was my MIL. She started out by thanking me for the mother's day card I sent her from my son and I had written a note in it telling her that no matter what happened between my H and I, she would always be my family and I love her. She left me a LONG message that I couldn't understand half of because 1)she has an extremely thick spanish accent and 2)she was crying. Mix those two and it was impossible. I cried a lot on my way home. I know I need to call her back but it will have to wait until after karate.

I'll check in when I get back tonight.

Hugs to all of you! You are all such wonderful support and really are helping to pull me out of this funk.

[angelica]

Mishka - you mother is totally impossible, and as you know, emotionally blackmailing you. There are some very good voluntary agencies in most countries, staffed by people who will help. Since the US has one of the highest colunteering populations in the world, I find it difficult to believe that there is no help. You just have to tell your mother, or get someone else to, that you can no longer do all of this alone.

Mishka, no loving mother places her child in this situation. I am sorry to be blunt, but her behaviour is exploitative and selfish. She may manipulatefamily [which may be a clue as to why no-one 'helps' but she will not be able to manipulate outsiders in the same way.

What did your therapist say about your mother.

You feel unlovable because your h actually emotionally kicked you in the teeth, and you mother instead of loving and supporting you contiues to make demands. Dialysis isn't fun, I know that, but it does't make you behave in a selfish and unreasonable manner.

I am NOT criticising you Mishka, but only you can work through this. If you h does work through his crisis and come home he might like it if you had changed enough to face down this mother of yours. I am a mother with grown up kids, and I can tell you that if they looked after me the way you do I would be sobbingly grateful and make every effort to lighten their burden. I would go into respite care regularly, accept the care of strangers, and do what I could to help with your son. Raise your expectations of her. Read some books to change the relationship dynamics. Your mohter has no RIGHT to all to behave that way, and this behaviour has to change. Only you can start the process. She isn't stupid, just manipulative and selfish

Sorry to be brutal, but whatever happens to your marriage this r needs sorting.

Hugs A

[mishka422]

You are absolutely right and my therapist said the same thing. I need to put my foot down and lovingly force her to accept outside help and accept that I can not be her everything. I have always let my mother manipulate me emotionally and I let H do the same thing. I am a people pleaser and hate to rock the boat so I suck it up, paste a smile on my face, and pretend everything is just peachy keen. It is slowly but surely killing me.

My mom used to be a fun loving person who was always ready with a smile and a helping hand. Now, because of her illness, she has become whiny and crotchety. I have blown up at her a couple of times since this mess started and told her that I have to have time for me. I can't spend my life sitting in the living room with her because she doesn't want to be alone. I have to find a life of my own and figure out how to do everything on my own and having to bend over backwards for her is not helping that.

There are plenty of organizations that offer senior transport services to take her to and from dialysis and I think Medicare will pay for that. She just won't get out of her comfort zone and allow that. She is going to have to especially if I get the new job I am trying to get. It will mean a long commute for me everyday but will have much more opportunity than my current job and more money and benefits. I would no longer have the flexibility to take time off to run her around. Consequently, I also would not be able to attend a lot of my son's school events either. It's all about sacrifice for our families though isn't it?

I was completely amazed last night when I got to karate and opened my book, "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore, and the next chapter was about properly grieving loss. It was an inspiring chapter. I'm obviously grieving pretty hard over the destruction of my family.

Everyone says that I just need to change my vision of my family for the future. I can't seem to do that. When I try to visualize our lives without my H in them it goes black. It is full of sadness and loneliness. That's just terrible. I don't know how to move around that.

Thank you again for your support and your kind words. I really do need to brutal honesty too. It helps to snap me back to some bit of normalcy if even for just a minute.

Curiosity Angelica......where did you get the idea that the US is big on volunteering? It's really not true. The majority of this country is completely self-serving. If there is nothing in it for them, then people don't jump up to help. It's sad, but true.

[missmyfriend]

Angelica hit the nail on the head, Mishka. It is not loving to get your mom to have some self-sufficiency by utilizing services you already pay for! Medicare is paid by you and me and others to help in these situations. It is not charity in this case. And there is nothing wrong with using charity if one needs it.

Remember to teach others to fish so they can feed themselves. Don't do all the fishing for them or they become to reliant on you and you can't focus on what God wants you to.

I am glad Angelica had the courage to say something

[mishka422]

MMF - The verse I posted on your Faith thread was my "slap in the head" for the day. I had been sitting at my desk quietly sobbing most of the day in between phone calls and crazy clients with their last minute emergencies. It was pretty awful. I decided I really needed a major pick me up before I lost it. Do you remember that Susan woman with the diet infomercial that used to scream, "STOP THE INSANITY!!"? I kept hearing that over and over in my head and went to the place I get the most comfort and the biggest wake up calls.....The Word of God.

Specifically, I had Googled "uplifting scripture" and the first link that popped up was to a "daily scripture" website that will email you a passage every day. The example passage there was Matthew 10:39. It had it in the translation from "The Message" bible. I don't especially like that translation so I looked in up in New Living Bible Translation and that is what I posted. Looking at it again, I would have to say that the translation from "The Message" is actually pretty right on and hits with more blunt language. That translation says,

Jesus said, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”

WOW! Did I never need that! Get outside of yourself Mishka! Get out of your head! Get on your darned knees girl and pray for guidance, mercy, and peace. Do it now!

I'm already starting to feel better. I was seriously almost suicidal for a while there which is so unlike me. Not having any self-confidence and self-loathing are two very different things. I may not have any confidence, but I'm sure going to get some.

My H will have to be on a back burner. I can't worry about what he's doing, that he is humiliating me by being seen in public with OW by our friends, or the lack of fatherly attention he gives our son. I will be all things to S13 because that is apparently the way it is supposed to be. H is "fun dad" and not a parent right now. His loss. I won't let my son suffer the loss of me too. To be here physically but not mentally is not fair to him. I do know that I have more sensibility than that no matter how depressed I may be.

Suck it up! Move on! Be cordial, but DON'T be friendly with H. Here is my list of my goals for myself for this week. I would really love some feedback from you guys.

1)Smile when spoken to no matter how I'm feeling at the moment and when someone casually asks, "How are you?" I'm going to STOP answering with "OK." and start answering with "Blessed, and you?"

2)Take a walk immediately after work every night for at least 30 minutes. They will just have to wait for dinner.

3)Get a pedicure. Thankfully I get paid Friday so I am going to make a point of doing this on Saturday. I'm going to invite one of my friends to go with me. Not sure yet who....it's going to have to be someone that might actually say yes!

4)Make a concerted effort to clean my house. I have been spot cleaning but it's not effective enough and I think I would feel better if it was much neater.

5)Make a date with my son on Saturday night. I'm not sure yet what we are going to do. I'd love any suggestions you might have.

Well, what do you think?

[mishka422]

Matthew 10:39 - Jesus said, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”

WOW! Did I never need that! Get outside of yourself Mishka! Get out of your head! Get on your darned knees girl and pray for guidance, mercy, and peace. Do it now!

I'm already starting to feel better. I was seriously almost suicidal for a while there which is so unlike me. Not having any self-confidence and self-loathing are two very different things. I may not have any confidence, but I'm sure going to get some.

My H will have to be on a back burner. I can't worry about what he's doing, that he is humiliating me by being seen in public with OW by our friends, or the lack of fatherly attention he gives our son. I will be all things to S13 because that is apparently the way it is supposed to be. H is "fun dad" and not a parent right now. His loss. I won't let my son suffer the loss of me too. To be here physically but not mentally is not fair to him. I do know that I have more sensibility than that no matter how depressed I may be.

Suck it up! Move on! Be cordial, but DON'T be friendly with H. Here is my list of my goals for myself for this week. I would really love some feedback from you guys.

1)Smile when spoken to no matter how I'm feeling at the moment and when someone casually asks, "How are you?" I'm going to STOP answering with "OK." and start answering with "Blessed, and you?"

2)Take a walk immediately after work every night for at least 30 minutes. They will just have to wait for dinner.

3)Get a pedicure. Thankfully I get paid Friday so I am going to make a point of doing this on Saturday. I'm going to invite one of my friends to go with me. Not sure yet who....it's going to have to be someone that might actually say yes!

4)Make a concerted effort to clean my house. I have been spot cleaning but it's not effective enough and I think I would feel better if it was much neater.

5)Make a date with my son on Saturday night. I'm not sure yet what we are going to do. I'd love any suggestions you might have.

Well, what do you think?

I'm not sure if anyone saw this and I wanted to highlight this from my last post hoping for some feedback.

Are these goals too simplistic? Too shortsighted? I'm just feeling as if I shouldn't try to take on too much at once right now. If I start small like this then maybe I can build on it.

What do you guys think? You're the experts, I have no clue what the heck to do to help myself let go and I would really appreciate your help.

Thanks!

[glamgirl]

Mishka that is exactly what you need to to do. Put the focus on you. Those are things I am working on to. I have been tanning, had my nails done, pedicure, shopping for me, hair done.

I am now looking into joining a gym. I also try to do something with the kids on one of my days off. Like movies, musueum, zoo, play structure, park. Just enjoying my time with them.

Speed racer and Iron Man are out in the theater. Maybe a matinee with your son.

You are doing good.

[angelica]

Mishka, your goals sound excellent - and don't worry if you sometimes don't fully succeed! Just having them is good.

Jesus also tells us repeatedly to love our neighbour as ourselves. The bit to remember here is that to love others you have to love yourself as well. Many Christians think it is purely about self sacrifice. And yes, Christianity is about looking outside of ourselves, but we do have to love ourselves. You were bought with a great price remember.

Where did I get the idea that American were great givers of time, and money? Official stats on volunteering for one thing, personal experience for another. Many British charities look to the US as a model for how they structure, use, train and encourage vounteering. Sure there are selfish people everywhere.

My MIL has just come out of hospital in the US and I am amazed at the care of her community. I was fully prepared to go over and help out, but she appears to have everything she needs.

A

[mishka422]

Angelica,

I'm so glad to hear that your MIL is being well cared for by her community. She must have a lot of good friends there.

Americans can certainly be great givers of time and money but it's not consistent or wide spread. The charities in this country have excellent support and are very well organized. The volunteerism I see is so lacking is local community support. National charities are great, but the local organizations have a much harder time attracting resources. I guess that is where my cynicism is coming from.

Self-love is certainly important. Without that, we can never truly care for others because we are trapped. I struggle daily with that as I have no confidence. Working on it.

I'm very excited to begin working on my goals.

[missmyfriend]

I am sure the volunteerism depends on the area of the country that you find yourself in. My city, has many volunteer organizations and my church provides many ministries to care for people and their circumstances. Plus many other churches do as well.

As far as taking care of yourself, definitely. I "try" to stay with Philippians 4:8,

"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Go get them nails done, girl!