Naej, thanks for interesting and long post. I think that my h is slightly different from yours though, maybe not.
He is having a total meltdown/ breakdown - we went to one therapy session together during his last return attempt and that freaked him out, and he wouldn't go again, but I continued therapy, and the therapist said he was deeply traumatized. A week before he left the first time we were making serious long terms plans - at his prompting. He has made several attempts to return, and desperately wants to have a relationshp with his children. They resist NOT because they can't stand OW [whch is is true, but my h also has a very troubled r with her] but because he is too erratic and delusional about life to have a relationship with anyone.
He is classic MLC - everything is everyone else's fault. And yes, he may never come out of it, and if he does, the marriage may not be what he wants so I am not living in continual hope. He keeps his distance, but certainly is not one who never lookd back. For example we all got gifts this last Christmas, although he had been vituperative only 2 months before!
But it has been a long time. Although if you look at the stages from the start of Replay to coming out of withdrawl is around three and a half years, which is sobering.
I think the OW is a big clue - if they find someone 'suitable ' [even if we do not like her!] for them I think they are more likely to make a life with her. If she is crazy it is more likely a distraction while they sort themselves out - but again, there are clearly no hard and fast rules.
I would stress that this is just MO, and dealing with a MLCer has taught me that self delusion is extremely easy!
