this is not about me, this is not about me, this is not about me....
h called to say goodnight to the kids and we chatted for a few minutes as we normally do. he asked how I was, I said fine. he asked if I was mad at him about this weekend, I said no (I'm not). i asked how he was, he said, ehhhh. then he said he has removed himself from the situation and he hopes that helps. I asked what he meant by that, he said he isn't staying with ow. I asked if he had a place to be, he said he was working on something, or could always stay with his mom if needed (sounded a bit vague here, I didn't press).
hmmmm
just reminding myself this is NOT about me. and just because he is not with her now, doesn't mean he won't be tomorrow. and just because he is not with her ever again, if it comes to that, doesn't mean he wants to be with me again.
this is not about me.
this is not about me.
this is not about me.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
This could get interesting Sally. Hey, basically from where you were, any change is good. But you are so right to control your fantasies. Don't let your mind run off into happily ever afterland. You need to know more about what is going on with OW. We all need to know more about what is going on with OW!
SallyM...MY head is spinning and its not even my situation!!! Girl, wow. He is sure trying to prove something to you. He wanted you to know about OW. He wants you to know. I will probably be opening up more talks this week.
You are doing an amazing job! No matter what happens, you are really an inspiration in how you are owning your issues, and are alsolovingly detached from H's craziness. And LWB is right -- you can do this, and you are helping show a lot of us how!!
WOW Sally - long time since I've checked in on you and caught up today. You are incredible - I'm so impressed!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I think for me the word of the momnt would be 'gulp'.
Sara is right- you need to know about OW before you will have any inkling here of what's going on. Seems like your H is trying to show you something though.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
thanks all! you guys are giving me waaaaayyyy too much credit, btw. I'm just riding wakes here. and, to mix metaphors, just trying to keep my own little train chugging along.
Here's the thing. It isn't my business what happened with ow. most likely I will never know anyway. my motivations for wanting to know are because I'm just nosey as all get out and would love to know, but at this point, I just don't think its my business. that is his life, not mine, not ours (at this point). and honestly if we do reconcile, I want ow out of my life and out of my relationship.
am I offbase to feel that way?
maybe I'll change how I feel down the road, who knows. but for now, that is where I am.
I also do NOT think he is doing this to show me something, or for us. this is NOT about me. this is NOT about us. this is about HIM. all him. all his own confusion. all his own internal struggle (unless it is just a fight with ow and he's showing her he doesn't need her, blah blah blah).
in the end, he could end up alone by choice...no ow, no me. or maybe there is a new chica in the wings. at this point, the only thing I know is that something is making him miserable, he hasn't been happy for a long time, and he is confused. that's it. that's what I know.
and I know that I will be okay no matter what.
and I know that my therapist is going to need to buckle her seatbelt for today's session.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Yes, this is not about ow but about his conflicted and confused self. I took a conflicted and confused h back and he never put his act together, I see how he came back only because in his world "im tired of being alone" and because he thought he'd feel better if he was back, but at MC later on that year he said he still didnt feel ok, and at the drop of a hat the next year he took ow back and my hell began.
Keep on the same road you are walking hon))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
morning all. sooo tired this morning. after evening activities with the kids (art show/t-ball) h and I put them to bed and sat down and talked. we talked a lot. and we did end up talking about ow, I even asked some questions. no third degree, just talking. I got no sleep (mind racing, tossing and turning) so am exausted, but in a nutshell, these are things he said. are they true? your guess is as good as mine. time will tell on some things, on others, well, sure sounds about right. in no particular order:
he never stopped loving me, has been a fool, is very sorry, has missed me terribly.
once the fantasy/secret nature of the affair ended, the reality set in (so textbook) and the fog started lifting. he's realized since january how stupid he's been (back to those emails) but is just big old mess.
ow thinks she is peachy keen and played no part in the breakup of our marriage. (is she to blame? no. but hell yeah she played a part).
he left ow a few days ago, but nothing has been permanently ended but he intends to (yeah, we'll see, we'll see). they haven't spoken since he packed his bags and left.
they've had big blowup fights every week for the past several months.
she did push for divorce several times, but then stopped because at first he gave reasons (new job, the holidays) and then eventually he just started picking fights when she did, telling her to back off and such. but she feels like he would never go back to me so she feels pretty comfortable.
although he also thinks that she knows that the end of their relationship is likely coming (fights, unhappiness, etc), she would be devastated, it would kill her (his words) if he went back to me. I was really surprised by that for some reason. I asked why, and he said because then she would feel like a whore. right now she feels like she has done nothing wrong, if he went back to me, she would feel very used and whore-like. (um, yeah).
he said he started opening his eyes to how she is with her own son...she gets bored being with him, seems to get no joy from him, or very little joy. they would go to the park and 10 minutes into him playing SHE would be bored and want to leave. foreign to me, completely foreign. to h too. he was really surprised by that, and it was part of the reason he didn't push hard (and backed off easily) from introducing our 3 to her.
he took responsibility for everything he has done to me and to our relationship and to our kids and his remorse seems very genuine.
There was a lot more, but that is what I am remembering right now. it was a really good talk...it was like seeing H again for the first time in a long time. he sounded like he used to, not this foreigner.
it was late when we wrapped up and I let him stay, making sure he knew that this would not be repeated, that until he gets his own sh#t together, there is no point in even talking about anything else. all this he readily accepted and agreed to.
this morning the kids did see them. they thought it was a wonderful joke and surprise that daddy had had a sleepover...usually they go on sleepovers at his house! they were over the moon, though, and a reminder to use caution. if we do end up reconciling (and that is a HUGE if), they will be among the last to know.
we'll see what today brings. we'll see what the future brings. but for now I feel okay. and that isn't because of the possibility of him coming back, but because I know I'll be okay no matter what.
I have to say it was funny last night and this morning. I am NOT used to someone in my space anymore. just the moving about/different habits in the morning were niggling at me. lol. see how quickly those silver linings from separation are hard to give up? forgot about all that give and take in marriage. sigh. but that's okay. if it ends up being right that we reconcile, then we will, but it will take a hell of a lot of work. and I will NOT go back to the marriage we had...it will not be sliding back into old habits. it will be something completely and totally different. I told my therapist yesterday that I feel like I deserve someone better, but she rightly pointed out what I am really saying is I deserve someone healthier. and I do. and I do hope he can be that person. but time will tell. he has a tough row to hoe, and he's only just now checking the weather.
Last edited by SallyM; 05/14/0802:22 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
