Almost a WAW, now piecing

[sandi2]

Hey sweetie, glad you made it. Now that you are here, I can tell you that your stitch and mine are very much alike....in fact...you almost got my title....Almost a WAW. I though that was kind of funny.

Well, I am older than you and I would be the last person on earth that anyone would suspect me of doing what I did. I grew up in a very strict religious home, married at 18 and have stayed M to the same man for many years. We were very different but I felt attracted to him....don't really know why, I think b/c he was quite and cute and kind of timid and I wanted to see what made him tick...lol. Well, that was cute at 22, but when you are nearly 60, it's not so cute anymore. He wouldn't talk and I grew up seeing my parents talk about everything. They would sit at the kitchen table and talk, they talked in the living room and even when they went to bed....although it was very soft talking. I thought that was what M was all about, but my H would not talk about anything. He would come in from work, eat supper and watch TV until bedtime. Oh he wanted sex all the time and me getting pregnant the second month of marriage didn't help there, nor living with his mother at the time! It's a long story, but over the years I tried really hard to make our M fun and exciting and fulfilled. But, he never fulfilled my emotional needs. I needed him to go to bed at the same time I did and cuddle and talk intimate talk to me and then make love. But, that wasn't what he did and he would not compromise. Somewhere along the way of this long story, I become more and more resentful of things in his family and things going on in our family and it took a toll on me as far as my sexual drive. In fact, I didn't feel like I had a sex drive at all. I decided that something was missing in me b/c I just didn't respond like those women on TV and I think my H thought that was the way I was suppose to act. Anyway, my life was very much a void in that area, so I tried to keep busy with raising the kids and being involved in church work. When one thing would play out or run its course, I'd try something else to fill my emptiness.

My age had never bothered me one bit, and then I was 59 and the big #60 was staring me in the face and boy did it hit hard. But in the meantime, I was playing games on the computer and learned how to "chat" while playing games. I also learned that a lot of men like to use those games as a tool to flirt and then get on the IM and allow things to go farther. I had a web cam and when they would see me they would tell me how beautiful I was etc. You know.....all those lies and I just ate it up. My ego was starved for all of that. I could tell them I was 40 and they believed it....or at least said so..lol. But it led to a lot of things that I had no business doing. It became an addiction and I didn't even realize it.

I got very careless and downright sloppy b/c I wasn't trying to conceal my contacts. I did not think my H knew enough about computers to find out what was going on. But he did and he confronted me about it. That was bad. He told me to go delete every person on my "friends" list and no more contact or he would throw the computer out the back door. So, I did delete all of them. I couldn't believe the loss I felt afterwards. Then a couple of nights later, I was on the computer and this one man came on line that had been on my list. I thought I had deleted him, so I don't know how he did it, but I clinged to him like glue. But, my H continued to snoop and he knew everything I ever said to the OM. The big blow-up came about two weeks after Valentine's day a year ago. If I had had the money to live on my own, I would have walked away. But, I didn't have the money and I didn't want to stay with my mother b/c I wanted to be free. Anyway, it's too long of a story.....if you want to read it you can get my thread. But the thing is, my H's actions caused me to cling to the OM much more. It would have faded out and never even turned into an EA if my H had stayed out of it. My H started smothering me after years of neglect and I felt like I could not breathe. So, I told him to back off or I was leaving......and he did. But getting over OM is very hard to do.

I read in one of your post that you heard someone say it took about three weeks to get over an EA with OM. I think it was three months....not three weeks. However, I was just like you and was working toward that mark on the calendar thinking that when that three months was up, I would be fine and back to normal. I was wrong. I still grieved for the OM after three months. I would think about him and wondered if he was doing ok. I went to bed (alone for 22 years) and would fantasize about OM. That was the hardest part to get over.....the fantasy. I had such a fantasy of him rescuing me from my miserable life. He was in a place of "power" (sort of) and told me he would come get me and take care of me. He told me every thing I wanted to hear. I was so hooked. He certainly was my drug and I could hardly get through a day without a fix.

So, I told you all that so you would know that if anyone can understand what you are feeling and what you are trying to do....it is me. And, don't be so hard on yourself when you catch yourself thinking of OM sometimes, b/c it will take longer than what "they" said. I don't know who came up with that three months thing....but it depends on how long the EA went on. If it turns into a PA.....then it takes a much longer time to get over that. I can't imagine trying to get over a PA when it was so hard getting over the EA.

Anyway, I see by the clock that I need to get ready for bed. Just wanted to give you a very short version of my story and let you know I'm right here with you.

Sandi