State of Mind

[BeingMe]

Just journalling some thoughts, and feelings .....

So, mother's day came and went. Got calls from faraway daughters (which I appreciated), and some nice prezzies from D15, S20 and H. I took D15 and S20 out for cake on Sunday night, since H had left for Portland.

I spoke to H while driving him to the airport, very calmly and unconfrontationally (is that a word?). I asked him how long I should still wait before we have a more intimate M (it's been 3 years since we reconciled). I asked him if he even thought we should continue with the M since he is clearly not interested in me on a deeper level (not just sexually, although that too, since it's been about a year since we last ML, and not more than a handful of times in the last 3 years). I feel we are good friends, but that is pretty much as far as it goes. I told him that I will not be waiting much longer, and if he had plans with someone else, then now is the time to implement them. He said there was no-one else, he has no plans on leaving once D15 finishes school in 2 years, and that he still loves me, yadda yadda. Nothing new! His words show his actions as lies.

I also told him how there are husbands on this site who wish their wives had warned them that the M was in serious trouble, so I want him to know that I have done that now. Once my decision to leave and D is made, then there will be no turning back. At this point in time, I'm not sure how I feel about my H.

I had hoped that spending time alone when I drove to Portland for that week, would be beneficial to our M. That we could reconnect, but there was nothing. I told him he made me feel I was in the way, in his space. He says, "no, I didn't". Once again not hearing what I'm saying, and telling me how I feel. Sure, he took me out to dinner, we drove to the coast, we went exploring the area, but there was no real connection. At dinner one night, I put my arms across the table and kinda played with his fingers .... NO response! I sheepishly took my hands back, and felt really stupid for even trying to be romantic. Not going there again.

So, folks! I am almost at the point of checking out of this M. I have tried everything I could (and more), and gotten nowhere. Sure, I got my H back, but not the one I married, or even an improved, more willing one. I think he still pines for the OW. Unless there is someone else. He certainly isn't interested in me, anyway.

Not sure what I'm going to do. Will have to play it by ear now, and see where each day takes me.

Piecing is worse than DB'ing! I thought DB'ing sucked, but it ain't nothing like piecing, especially when there seems to be just one person in the game.

Hope everyone else is having a better time of it. Don't take me wrong, though. I am not depressed or upset. In fact, I am feeling more and more certain about my life, the more detached I get from my M. I don't cry, or anything ... it just is what it is, and I will just get on with my life, and be excited about what is to come. Not much else I can do is there. I can't force my H to be madly in love with me. If he doesn't, he doesn't! I would just like to know, so that I can move on, and find someone (maybe) who does.

Robert Anderson said, "in every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage". I am losing the grounds for marriage I had when I first discovered the EA.

'Eh! Whatever!